I mentioned in my last post that I’d update this week with a current full-length photo so that you can see just how out-of-control I’ve gotten over the last several months. When I compared it with the photo I submitted back in July of 2010 while I was going through the casting process for The Biggest Loser, I wanted to cry. OK, I did cry. A lot. We went back to Maine for the weekend and I asked Gareth to take a quick photo of me when we’d stopped at Nubble Light to let Gaby climb the rocks. He mentioned it probably wasn’t the best spot to take the photo and that I might want to take the photo (for comparison purposes) in the same place, every time. However, I was being argumentative and I just wanted to get it over with.
I’m in such bad shape and seeing this photo makes me feel like I have a near-impossible journey in order to crawl out from under. I wish I could blame my deterioration entirely on the months spent on high doses of Prednisone (it contributed but that’s not the sole reason I’m where I am), or that I had some excuse, but I don’t. This is all on me. Literally. While I don’t hate me, I do hate how I look.
July 28, 2013
I’m not sure what was up with the expression on my face. I look like I just ate a lemon. I was probably thinking about what an unflattering photograph this was going to be. When you compare it with the photo I had taken back in July of 2010, I just look so much . . . sicker – I guess that’s the word I’m looking for. I look so much sicker, and much unhappier. While I’m not hugely (no pun intended) unhappy, I am frustrated that I’ve let myself get to this place.
I can’t blame the recent RA diagnosis either with where I am. It doesn’t help, and it makes me mad that I can’t get off my ass to the degree I’d like to, it’s not got any bearing on my current poor physical state of affairs. I can’t even recall what I weighed in the above submission photo.
I started the liquid diet this morning. I’ve already had two Unjury shakes mixed with a half cup of frozen fruit. One for breakfast and one for lunch. They’re actually pretty good. Then I went swimming but not nearly long enough. My hip has been pretty achy and I didn’t even feel like hanging out in the hot tub for a while in order to try and ease some of the pain.
Readers and friends have emailed and asked me if I think I’m going to get really hungry while doing a mostly-liquid diet. I don’t think I’m hungry. I think I’m bored. While I’m busy enough processing images from a photo session back in Maine, processing my own personal images, and working on a freelance writing project, I think that when I take breaks, I’m so used to getting something to eat, or thinking about what I’m going to eat later, or thinking about food in general to avoid dealing with whatever it is that I’m avoiding, that the lack of actual food has me . . . confused? The hardest part, when trying to make serious lifestyle changes in order to lose weight and become healthy is dealing with head hunger vs. genuine hunger. Not until just recently did I become acutely aware of how often I was thinking about food in one form or another.
It’s obvious that I’ve spent the last 23+ years using food as a means of literally burying the pain of other things that have happened in my life. It wasn’t just Joshua’s death either. It was the subsequent nervous breakdown, my divorce (s), reconciling with my children which meant dealing with the pain that my absence caused, and so many other things that I didn’t want to think about or deal with – I didn’t deal with. I ate in order to avoid processing everything.
I wasn’t ready to deal with anything in my life, emotional or physical, that killed any chance of success I might have had when undertaking the many various means and methods by which I’ve attempted to lose weight in the past, including weight loss surgery. If your head isn’t in the game, if you really don’t want it, and if you aren’t willing to do what it takes and make the permanent changes, then there is no way you’ll succeed. I guess the feelings I’m dealing with now are mostly related to the overwhelming disappointment I feel in myself at having wasted so much of my life being this unhealthy. In the back of my mind I’m also wondering if something about being super-morbidly-obese contributed to being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis? It’s already difficult enough to be fully present with Gaby, in every meaningful way possible at my current weight, but when you throw in something as painful and potentially debilitating as RA and wondering if my weight contributed to that at all? The disappointment is overwhelming.
The only thing I know at this point is that I can’t allow myself to wallow in the disappointment and misery. If my attitude doesn’t reflect a willingness to move forward and take steps, no matter how small, towards getting better, and being better equipped, both physically and mentally, to deal with life, then what’s the point?
Being able to live my life to the fullest and enjoy everything about it, including my children – especially Gaby. I can’t keep up with her at this point and she’s becoming keenly aware that because mom is fat, mom can’t do a lot of the stuff that normal – healthy moms do with their 7 year old daughters. That’s been a probably one of the more horrible things about being this fat. You just can’t keep up! RA isn’t going to stop me from doing that, but my weight? Well, isn’t it obvious that it already has pretty much stopped me in my tracks.
To that end, upward and onward!
I know this is kind of all over the place, and rambly at times; I’m just trying to get all of it out of my head. If I put it all out here, then maybe months, and years down the line I can come back to look and see that I actually did make progress and that all this pain, confusion, and hard work has been worth it.
Before you undertake any lifestyle change when attempting to lose weight, please consult your own health care provider and don’t rely on something you read on the internet as your guide to making healthy choices, in particular, don’t assume that because I’m super-morbidly obese and beginning a mostly liquid diet, that you should do this too. It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyhow) that we’re all different and have different needs and different health scenarios. The changes I’m making and will continue to make are probably not the ideal choices for your life. Put the due diligence into researching healthy lifestyle options that fit your own needs and lifestyle, consult with your doctor and then go from there.