In my case, I’m still losing the weight, so on paper I’m winning, but I feel like overall, I’m still a big fat loser.
Let’s get the numbers out of the way first . . .
Previous Weight (August 22, 2013) 322lbs
Current Weight: 309 1/2lbs
Not quite 13lbs in a little over a month, which averages out to just a little over 3lbs a week. For someone who is supposed to be consuming 2/3 of her calories through high-protein liquid shakes and a protein dense evening meal, that’s a pretty crappy number, and I know it, my doctors know it, hell, at this point, everyone knows it. I have not stuck to the two protein shakes a day. Before they cut my calories back to 1500 on the 25th of August, I wasn’t overly hungry. Granted, I’m feeling better overall, but once I cut my calories back I literally felt like I could not get enough to eat. I completely cut fruit out of my protein shakes and added plain Greek non-fat yogurt, but there are milk-based sugars in the yogurt, so I cut that out too. I still loaded them up with flax seed, but that hasn’t prevented the constipation completely. Now I’m going back and forth between going too often and not enough. My gut is so completely screwed that I don’t think it matters what I do, I just need to deal with the fact that I did this to myself and try and make the best of things. I just wish I knew what combination of foods were “the best.”
The RD/Nutritionist that I’ve been seeing thinks I have serious issues with sugar and that what I’m craving is sugar. I think she’s probably right, but every time my AIC numbers are drawn it’s not even borderline. Both my bariatric physician and the nutritionist think it would be a good idea if I were to keep a blood-sugar diary which would necessitate me taking my blood sugar levels at home, a few times throughout the day. I’m up for that but my insurance company won’t cover the testing supplies and monitor unless I have a diagnosis of Type II Diabetes with the numbers to back it up. I’m hoping that in time, I won’t need to go down that road, and that I’ll eventually get to a point where I’m not craving sugar all the time, but right now? Right now, it’s all I want. I had a a really terrible, no good, horrible very bad day last week where I binged the entire day and ended up making myself ridiculously sick. After calling and confessing to my doctor said it was probably a case of my upper and lower GI tracts being thrown into complete upheaval after not having the combination and amounts of food I was eating, shoved into what is becoming smaller spaces. Whatever the reason, it was gross and I never want to do that again. Of course, how many times have people woken up with the mother of all hangovers, after having spent the previous night with their hair dangling in the toilet bowl, only to make the very same promise?
Speaking of “smaller spaces,” one of the moms at Gaby’s dance studio who hadn’t seen me in a while asked me if I was losing weight because it “certainly looked like it.” I do not see it when I look in the mirror. The only outward sign I notice is that my bras are all very loose and some of my pants sag in the butt. But when I look in the mirror, I see the same old fat lady that I’ve seen for the longest time. I’m still over 300lbs and as large as I am, I’m just not sure I believe it when someone says they can tell I’m losing weight. If I keep losing weight in my boobs and butt, I’m not going to be able to stand up straight because mostly all of my weight is abdominal and a lot of that is that is a lovely (I hope you read the sarcasm that was clearly implied when I say, “lovely”) hanging-down thing called a paniculus- which is just the medical term for the fat that hangs down to my mid-thighs. And people wonder why I hate being seen in a swimsuit, let alone outdoors. It’s a pretty unattractive!
So, what am I eating at this point? One Unjury shake a day made with low-fat milk, a light lunch of usually soup and a salad or soup and a half-sandwich and a normal, but not gluttonous dinner. I continue to think I am hungrier than I actually am when it comes to dinner and I make these huge meals and then plate mine up and by the time I’m 5 or 6 bites in. I’m done. So I think my only saving grace has been through portion control and a breakfast that is still pretty restricted, calorie-wise. I have had 3 Cokes in the last month, and while that’s not great, it’s not what was once upon a time, 3-4 Cokes a day. For the most part I find them too sweet and never finish them. Plus, Gaby has made me promise to never drink them again outside of once a year. I do not want to break a promise to her . . . a promise that over time, might help save my life.
Next Monday I go back in and my Nutritionist is going to help me plan out my meals – meals that I can make for the whole family as well, for the next month. I’ve never been very good at cooking for the number of people I’m feeding, and always end up making too much food. Leftovers aren’t always a bad thing, but when it’s a high-calorie yet nutritious meal, having that same food there for the eating isn’t exactly healthy. Plus, if I have my meals planned out, instead of just throwing something together at the last minute, I’m more likely to stick to it. Of course, I’m back to two shakes a day – but I’ve been given the go-ahead and add frozen fruit back. To be honest, the shakes are just barely palatable without the fruit.
All in all, I’m still losing weight and while I’m certainly disappointed that I haven’t controlled all of my destructive behaviors where food is concerned, I’m slowly becoming more and more cognizant of the additional areas where I need to recognize how I’m feeling and what I’m doing when I feel like I must eat something or I’m going to starve to death. Sometimes though, I feel like I’m never going to be able to eat *insert any food you can think of that tastes good but isn’t exactly conducive to living a long, robust, life* and that I’d better eat as much as I can because at some point it’s going to be forbidden. For instance, I’ll see a lovely cherry pie in a bakery window and tell myself, “No cherry pie for you fatty, you don’t deserve it!” That’s not exactly healthy, but it’s sort of where I am mentally. Then I walk away wanting the cherry pie more than anything!
I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and it’s going to take time and consistency.
Time and consistency.