Why don’t we kick this off with me cutting to the chase before I go off on a mini-rant? It’s been ten days since I weighed myself and I had the best of intentions about posting as soon as I did, but well, if good intentions were horses we all know what the streets would be lined with!
Previous Weight (April 1, 2014): 286lbs
Current Weight (May 16, 2014): 275lbs
I let time get away from me during May because Meg was finally back home, Gaby was baptized and then the following week had her First Holy Communion, then we did about a million things while Meg was here, including going here . . .
. . . and managed to not have any sort of cardiac event. I didn’t ascend the very last part of the underground trail because while going up would have been hard, coming down would have killed my ankle. I’m finally getting to the point where my doctor thinks she can stabilize my Achilles tendon and keep any more damage from happening as well as prevent the tendon from further separating from the bone, and coming down a bunch of steps would have been agony and possibly jeopardized the progress I’ve made.
Howe Caverns are pretty cool except for the fact that they’re way underground and there’s all this rock everywhere, some of it pretty close to your head while you’re walking, and then there’s an underground river and did I mention that it’s way underground? Yeah, it is. And there I go, hyperventilating again just thinking about it. All in all it was pretty cool and I’m pleased I managed to not die on what was probably a little over half a mile of walking.
My ankle is feeling even better since my last doctor’s appointment where she nearly killed me with another steroid injection! The past two I’ve gotten I haven’t felt at all, but this time around she told me she was going to “fan it out.” When she said that, I didn’t think anything of it . . . until she did it! I may or may not have pictured punching my doctor in the throat. Oh my gosh that hurt like a sonofabitch (sorry Bob). There may or may not have been a tear and sniffle or two on my part. However, two weeks later I’m feeling better than I have in a long long time.
I’ve even managed to keep moving during the day, at a snails pace, but hey, I’m moving. My eating isn’t as clean as it should be, but my portions (outside of the evening Gareth made Shepherd’s Pie. Yum!) are where they should be.
I should be happy that there continues to be any downward progression with the numbers, especially when I look back where I was over the last 18 months. The thing is, I look at me and I don’t see a single change. I hate looking at myself in a full-length mirror, absolutely loathe it, but I do it every once in while and then I get angry because I see no outward signs of weight loss. Nothing. My boobs are deflating, but I think that’s just my age. Sometimes I think I can see the weight loss in my face, but then I look in the mirror with my hair pulled back, and nope, those three chins haven’t evacuated the premises yet. The only physical anything I’ve noticed is that all of my shorts from last summer are really really loose, but I that could just be the fact that they’re stretched out. The other thing is, no one else is noticing anything either. I think when you’re as big as I am, the weight loss has to be massive before it’s noticeable. That’s just my theory anyhow.
This photo of me and Gaby was taken back on May 10th at her school’s annual Kid’s Mini-Gala (it was luau-themed this year, hence the goofy Hawaiian leis) and every once in a while I’ll look at it and think, “Oh yeah, I do look a little smaller.” But then I reason that it’s only because my kid is on my lap. I don’t know. Maybe once I’m under 200lbs it will be noticeable?
So now that we all know how much I weigh (I physically cringed when I wrote that. I know a few of the moms at Gaby’s school have shared my blog and it’s always in the back of my mind when we’re at school functions, “Oh my God, they know how much I weigh and probably know, if they’ve dug very deep, that I’m not exactly “Catholic-School-Mom-material) can I ask you a favor? If you’re going to compliment an obese woman, can you just leave it at the compliment and say nothing else, especially nothing about her weight? Or is that too much to ask? OK here’s an example from last week when I was at a certain high-end cosmetics store at the mall, looking for a my normal brand of mascara. Typically I order it online but I only needed the mascara and didn’t want to pay shipping on top of $30 for the mascara. It’s my one make-up splurge and it’s already damned-expensive enough! Anyhow here was the exchange:
Girl behind the counter: “I use the same brand. Do you know it comes in a really deep sable brown as well? Do you mind if I ask you something personal?”
Me: “I guess not.”
GBtC: “You have such a beautiful face. You have great skin and the prettiest eyes I have ever seen – what color are they, exactly? I . . . I just feel bad for you because you’re so big. You could be really really beautiful if you lost some weight. I have a friend . . .“
I don’t know what she said about this friend of hers because I put the mascara down and walked out.
I walked out because this is not the first time I’ve heard something similar either about myself, or someone else. We hear it all the time when it comes to fat actresses who happen to be attractive in addition to being fat. “She’d be stunning if she weren’t a fat ass.” Don’t sit there and deny that it happens all the damned time, because it does! I heard this from our postman a few months ago. I’ve heard it as long as I’ve been fat which has been . . . Oh pretty much my entire life. I’ve even heard it, ad nauseam from my own mother. So, I grew up believing that my self-worth was predicated on my weight, and that there was no way I’d ever be truly beautiful if I were fat.
Here’s the thing, when you say something like that to someone (it’s mostly always women), you then negate every other single thing about them that makes them the person they are. It’s as if being fat takes away any other aspect of their existence. We’re all still good people. Some of us have profound and accomplished careers, others are just happy to be productive members of society, being happy in who they are, until some moron comes along and tells them that being fat nullifies everything else worthwhile about them.
Apparently we can’t be accepted as truly beautiful because we’re fat.
Listen, you all know, especially if you’ve been reading me for any length of time, that I walk a very fine line when it comes to the “fat hate” thing. I don’t believe in the general “fat acceptance” movement because it tries to perpetuate the myth that you can be healthy at any size. No, no you can not. If you are 50+lbs overweight, at some point, your body is going to let you know just how not healthy you are. That said, the fact that you are overweight, obese, or even like me, morbidly obese, the fat itself does not dictate the kind of person you are. No one has the right to tell you that you are any “less than” simply because you are more than the societal ideal that is shoved down our throats all the time. I get asked pretty frequently if I hate fat people? No, not at all. I just don’t think it’s acceptable to facilitate the fallacy that you can be 5’5″ and 300lbs and be as healthy as the person next to you that is 5’5″ 140lbs, eats a healthy diet and gets moderate amounts of exercise. Human physiology just doesn’t allow for this on the long term. I do not, for one moment, believe that you should be discriminated against because of your weight. However, let’s all take minute to be honest . . .discrimination against the obese is not only legal, it’s perfectly acceptable. That has to stop!
As much as I don’t know how to stop the collective runaway freight train that is the obesity epidemic in this country, (it is NOT as simple as saying, “Just put down the Big Mac! Our entire food supply chain is screwed and full of obesogens and that’s part of the problem, the other part is probably a combination of not knowing what an actual, healthy serving size/portion is, and then the fact that we eat a ton of sugar which is proving lethal to the human body), I do know that until we get ahead of that train in order to slow it down, there are fat people and we’re going to continue getting fat, but we still owe each and every person their dignity. Being fat doesn’t strip you off that dignity.
I will never be my ideal, perfect 125lbs. I know that. For me, if I can get myself down to between 145lbs-160lbs, I’ll be happy. I have endless plastic surgery ahead of me to remove hanging skin which can, in and of itself present some awful health problems, but even after having all of that removed, I’ll be lucky to see 145lbs. And I’m going to have to work my ass off – literally – to get there. At the end of the day though, while I’m still 275lbs, I’m still a good person who doesn’t deserve to have everything else about me impugned because I’m fat.
Here’s another thing about this whole “You’re pretty but you’re fat” thing . . . I can’t help but wonder if the people who say these sorts of things about fat women, would say them about fat men? When was the last time you looked at your overweight husband, boyfriend, brother, father, co-worker, friend, and said, “You know, you’re really handsome, but would be drop dead gorgeous if you weren’t fat!‘
So, if you’re going to pay your fat friend or family member (just because you’re family, it doesn’t make it OK to say it and then try and say, “Well I’m just being honest.” Because no, in reality you’re just being an ass) a compliment, leave it at that. If you can’t stand associating pretty with fat and the fat obscures every thing else about that person, then you should probably just shut your mouth!