It was 19 years ago today that I sat in a hospital bed,
after almost 40 hours of active labour and almost having had a stroke and then
having an emergency c-section, with Grammie Cass sitting next to me, we counted
your toes and fingers and marveled at the miracle of you. I was still so loopy from the general
anesthesia that Grammie even had to help me count. I think you’d laugh about that now,
especially hearing Grammie tell it.
It was 19 years ago today that my life forever changed. I ceased being a teenager, and became a
mother, your mother. Your
protector. Your nurturer.
It was 19 years ago today that I stopped looking at the
world through my own eyes and began seeing the world through the eyes of an
8lb, 3oz. 19 inch gorgeous little boy with twinkly eyes and adorably kissable
cheeks. I envisioned a world of
possibilities and everything the future held for you.
It was 19 years ago today that I truly understood what it
meant to love someone with every cell of my being…to my very core.
And it was 19 years ago today that I knew I’d do anything
for you…lay down my life if God required it.
Happy 19th Birthday Joshua.
Like every year since your death I am playing the “what
would you be doing if you were alive” game. But somehow, this year it’s harder. I have spent the last 16+ years since your death waiting for this “numbness”
to take over, so that the pain of this day isn’t so keen. I keep waiting for the year to pass when your
birthday isn’t so hard. I keep hoping that the pain of missing you is
somehow lessened by the passage of time.
True enough, I make it through the rest of the year, and
even have good days. Certainly the good
days outnumber the bad ones. For some
reason though, this year’s birthday is pretty rough. Maybe it’s the strain of everything we’ve
been through with Zack lately…or
perhaps it’s just stress in general, but that old familiar ache, the one that
never really leaves, yet I’ve gotten good at ignoring, has flared up again.
I should be making your birthday cake or rushing off to the
bakery to pick it up. I should be running around to assure I’ve
wrapped your gifts and put a little note into your card. But
instead I’m sitting here waiting for Gaby to wake up and make me laugh so that
I can get back to ignoring the painful thoughts and memories which fill me with
so much sadness. Your little sister Gaby is pretty good at
making me laugh. Sometimes Josh, she’ll
look at me a certain way…just the tilt of her head, or the twinkle in her eyes
followed with an impish grin and it reminds me of you so much.
Even Zack has
shown a lot of concern. I can’t count
the number of times he’s asked me this morning if I’m ok. I say yes but inside I’m screaming; “No I’m
NOT ok…it’s not alright and it never will be!” I’m glad he’s here though. Having him here this year helps. It gives me even more of a reason to not
wallow in this swamp of missing you. And as always, Gareth is my rock. He steadies me when I feel like I’m about to
be overwhelmed with grief and his shoulder offers me a place to rest my
tear-stained face. God really blessed me when he helped me open my heart to
him. Of course, if it weren’t for God, I’d
never have gotten through this many years since your death. He is there. Always has been. And it is
through him that I know I’ll see you again.
But I do miss you Joshua. And tomorrow, when we celebrate Zack’s
14th birthday, when he’s blowing out the candles, I’ll say a little
wish for you too.
I miss you so much, but love you much more and I know I’ll
see you again.
Mom
