Barking Mad

I Miss You Josh...Happy 19th Birthday

It was 19 years ago today that I sat in a hospital bed, after almost 40 hours of active labour and almost having had a stroke and then having an emergency c-section, with Grammie Cass sitting next to me, we counted your toes and fingers and marveled at the miracle of you.  I was still so loopy from the general anesthesia that Grammie even had to help me count. I think you’d laugh about that now, especially hearing Grammie tell it.

It was 19 years ago today that my life forever changed. I ceased being a teenager, and became a mother, your mother. Your protector. Your nurturer.

It was 19 years ago today that I stopped looking at the world through my own eyes and began seeing the world through the eyes of an 8lb, 3oz. 19 inch gorgeous little boy with twinkly eyes and adorably kissable cheeks. I envisioned a world of possibilities and everything the future held for you.

It was 19 years ago today that I truly understood what it meant to love someone with every cell of my being…to my very core.

And it was 19 years ago today that I knew I’d do anything for you…lay down my life if God required it.

Happy 19^th Birthday Joshua.

Like every year since your death I am playing the “what would you be doing if you were alive” game. But somehow, this year it’s harder. I have spent the last 16+ years since your death waiting for this “numbness” to take over, so that the pain of this day isn’t so keen. I keep waiting for the year to pass when your birthday isn’t so hard.  I keep hoping that the pain of missing you is somehow lessened by the passage of time.

True enough, I make it through the rest of the year, and even have good days. Certainly the good days outnumber the bad ones. For some reason though, this year’s birthday is pretty rough. Maybe it’s the strain of everything we’ve been through with Zack lately…or perhaps it’s just stress in general, but that old familiar ache, the one that never really leaves, yet I’ve gotten good at ignoring, has flared up again.

I should be making your birthday cake or rushing off to the bakery to pick it up.  I should be running around to assure I’ve wrapped your gifts and put a little note into your card.  But instead I’m sitting here waiting for Gaby to wake up and make me laugh so that I can get back to ignoring the painful thoughts and memories which fill me with so much sadness.  Your little sister Gaby is pretty good at making me laugh. Sometimes Josh, she’ll look at me a certain way…just the tilt of her head, or the twinkle in her eyes followed with an impish grin and it reminds me of you so much.

Even Zack has shown a lot of concern. I can’t count the number of times he’s asked me this morning if I’m ok. I say yes but inside I’m screaming; “No I’m NOT ok…it’s not alright and it never will be!”  I’m glad he’s here though. Having him here this year helps. It gives me even more of a reason to not wallow in this swamp of missing you. And as always, Gareth is my rock. He steadies me when I feel like I’m about to be overwhelmed with grief and his shoulder offers me a place to rest my tear-stained face. God really blessed me when he helped me open my heart to him. Of course, if it weren’t for God, I’d never have gotten through this many years since your death. He is there. Always has been. And it is through him that I know I’ll see you again.

But I do miss you Joshua. And tomorrow, when we celebrate Zack’s 14^th birthday, when he’s blowing out the candles, I’ll say a little wish for you too.

I miss you so much, but love you much more and I know I’ll see you again.

Mom

Nightmares About Sheryl Crow

Typically I  never dream about celebrities, nor do I care about their toilet habits.  Well that is until this entire ruckus about Sheryl Crow and her tidy little practice of using only one square of toilet tissue per bathroom visit hit the media.  Now, what about those big jobies when Ms. Crow has been pounding the fiber?  Is one square really going to be enough? 

Not that I care (and really, it's not anything I want to think about when it comes down to it!) but for some reason my nocturnal reveries were interrupted last night by horrifying images of the aforementioned girlie-rocker and her one spartan piece of toilet tissue.  And, being that she's so "green" I'd imagine her TP of choice is one of those organic, environmentally friendly types that's more akin to sandpaper covered with sawdust than to, oh lets say a sheet of Charmin.   But then maybe she's exfoliating whilst she's taking care of business.

Seriously though, it's no wonder Karl Rove didn't want her to touch him at the recent White House Correspondents Dinner which both attended.   I mean, how do we know she washed her hands?

It's all well and good to be concerned with consuming less, recycling more and being more eco-friendly, but come on Ms. Crow, get real already!  You seriously think that by proposing a limitation (Sheryl Crow's Green Toilet)  on the amount of squares one uses per loo visit is going to go over real big? 

And just who is going to assure that we adhere to the "one-square per visit rule"?   Following your own train of thought, what about those "pesky situations" when two or three are needed?  Who determines just how pesky the "situation" has to get before it warrants those two extra sheets? 

I don't know about you, but I think her whole stance on toilet tissue stinks!!!!

Someone....Just Shoot Me Please! Teeth Number 15 and 16 Are Coming In!

Whoever it was that said toddlers aren't supposed to cut their eye teeth until they are 24 months old was obviously on crack!

Gaby has 14 teeth already...yes, a few more than most kids her age and now she's decided, on the heels of cutting her top eye-teeth, to cut her bottom eye teeth.

None of her other teeth have given her the least bit of trouble except for the eye teeth.  Perhaps this is what her "cold" is all about?  Whatever it is, I sure as heck wish those teeth would come in already.

I used to tell Gareth how much I was looking forward to the day when Gaby was weaned because I could finally, once and for all, schedule my breast reduction and lift.  Well hell, if she keeps going this way, gnawing at me like she does (seeing as how she's never going to wean) I WON'T NEED A BREAST REDUCTION!!!!!!!

She's like a little pirahna! And those new little eye-teeth are like needles.  OUCH!

Update Coming Soon - Aftermath of 4 Days Without Power or Hot Water Due to Huge Nor'Easter

We finally have power, as of 3PM yesterday.  We spent a very cold and frustrating 4+ days with only what a generator could provide.  We mostly used it for keeping the sump pump going after having to pump out our basement which was underwater thanks to the storm. Wednesday night we were able to borrow a space heater from our close friend Stephi, which kept us nice and toasty all night long!   We were fortunate though that our neighbours and co-workers came to our rescue until we could go out and buy our own generator, and serendipitously, Gareth just happened to be at Home Depot as they were offloading a shipment of them.  Prior to that, due to the storm, you couldn't find a generator anywhere. We probably could have plugged a lot more into it, but we ran out of extension cords.

We are still without hot water and no ability to use the oven, so we're waiting for the gas company to come out and rectify that.  We also are waiting for an appliance repair-tech to come out and inspect the washer and dryer (they reside down in the basement) to assure us we can use them.

We were lucky...very lucky.  Most of our neighbours saw 4+ feet of water in their basements and they all, for the most part have gorgeous finished basements.  Ours just has drywall.  And had Gareth and Zack not busted their butts Monday afternoon, between bailing out the basement and moving all of our storage back into the garage (and unfortunately my dining room!), we would have lost a considerable amount ourselves.  We did spend one night in a hotel, but decided that we'd rather be miserable in our own home than miserable in a hotel where Gaby completely lost it.  Oh yeah, great time for her to get her first cold! And I've come down with a dual ear infection and Gareth has a cold as well.  Zack, aside from being seriously bummed that he has spent his entire spring break dealing with all of this, seems to be doing well.  He's just glad the power is back on and that we aren't all huddled in the family room at night, trying to keep warm.

Anyways, I typically keep a journal of sorts in Word and was unable to do that due to the lack of power (I completely forgot about the laptop) and used pen and paper to write while we waited out the storm and power outtage. I'll post what I wrote, later today.  Well, if I can read my handwriting that is. 

In the meantime, we're slowly trying to catch up with everything else going on in the world.   We heard bits and pieces of the VA Polytechnic tragedy and only yesterday got the full story.  How horrible.  I don't know that I have words to adequately express our shock.  I can tell you though, as a result of a certain person learning about the shootings, a huge  Poison Pen  entry is in the works.   Until then, it's back to cleaning out my fridge.  Everything went bad.  Fun fun fun!

Such a Picky Eater!

What am I going to do with this kid? 

She has texture issues, wet and dry issues, taste issues and smell issues!  Of course it goes without saying that breastmilk is still her preferred food.   Seriously though, this kid has almost no variety in her diet and what I can manage to get down her throat STILL comes out of a baby food jar.

In the beginning I made all of her baby food but as we got into newer foods it got too difficult and time consuming to keep up with steaming, pureeing, and then storing them so we started using those Earth's Best, or whatever the heck they are called, jarred organic baby foods.  And now, unless it's grilled cheese, breaded fish fillets, crab cakes, Kix, Cheerios, dried apples, bananas and strawberries or pizza, she won't eat it.  Well, she'll eat green beans and fruits out of a jar and sometimes she'll even deign to eat one of the larger jars of chunky baby food.  Her only other "consistent" are those no-sugar-added little 4oz tubs of applesauce.

This is really frustrating because when we were letting her use those mesh safe feeders the kid would eat ANYTHING we put in there.  Heck, I probably could have put Brussels sprouts (just the thought of those makes me gag) in it and she would have gnawed it to death.  We put apples, bananas, watermelon, blueberries, you name it, it went in the mesh feeder and she would pulverize it.  But try putting sliced apples or strawberries in front of her now and she won't touch them.  She picks things up - but ONLY if they aren't gooey and wet...then she sniffs it and if and only IF it passes the sniff test will she put it in her mouth! Rarely does anything new ever get beyond the sniff test. 

A few months ago she was even eating ground sirloin and grilled chicken but now she won't touch them unless we're at a restaurant. Grrrrrrr.  This is totally and completely frustrating.  Last Sunday night she devoured some roast turkey breast we had for Easter tea.  But the other day she threw it on the floor. Uhg!

I've even made sure she watches us eat a variety of foods thinking that would entice her to try something new.  Nope.   Doesn't work.

Believe me, I have read everything out there on picky eaters and trolled the message boards that deal with toddlers and picky eaters and we've tried it all.  I've even done something I said I'd never do...give her juice. I don't like juice because it's just fruit flavourred sugar water without the satiety she'd experience, nor the fiber, if she ate the fruit itself.  But I was desperate.  Nope, she really doesn't like it.  Same with cow's milk.  The cow-milk thing doesn't concern me so much because of all the crap that they give the cows, and the damage that homogenization does to milk.  But it does kinda make me wonder if I'm still gonna be a milk-mama when she's 5!!!!! Oi!

She will drink organic smoothies that I "water-down" with either soy or rice milk and sometimes cows milk.  But that's about it. 

What's a mom to do when her 15 month olds dietary repertoire is so limited and she can't get the kiddo to try anything new?