I can safely say that I did not inherit my mother's penchant
for gardening.
Let me just say that whilst I love tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinth's, I do not
like planting them myself. I don't know where I got the impression that I
would somehow be fulfilled as a homeowner, woman, blah blah blah if I planted a
flower garden. What was I smoking when I thought that one up?
I'd like to add to the above that I will be a very happy woman should I never
have the occasion to ever muck around in the soil, yank weeds with trailing
root systems 50 feet long, come across something that looks like a bee but has
a little hut-like home deep in the soil (dug up about 75 of those, whatever
they are!), and have worms the size of my thigh ooze their way across my hand,
I will be a very happy woman. Don't talk to me about digging deep into
mother earth, smelling the rich earthiness of the soil and getting in touch
with my inner-gardener because I will probably slap you into tomorrow.
Frankly, it's much ado about nothing!
That earthy smell? It's dirt! Plain and simple. It doesn't
smell good at all. Especially not when it looks like someone's cat has
been using my planting beds as a litter box! Come back to me with a rose,
or a hyacinth and then tell me how good it smells. Just don't make me
plant it myself.
Getting in touch with my inner-gardener? How can I do that when she
doesn't exist.
Digging deep into mother earth? Um, did you happen to read the part about
mud bees/wasps and worms? If not, then re-read all of the above and see
if you want to try and sell me on the finer points of starting a flower
garden. Worms are for birds and people who fish. I do not
fish, therefore I have no need to see one up close and personal - I still have
the heebie jeebies just thinking about it crawling across the back of my
hand.
Oh and did I mention my aching back and bruised knees?
Oh oh oh, and the math! Who woulda thought you'd need to know anything
about math in order to plant a garden? Well let me tell you, YOU
DO! Tulips have to be planted so far down and the bulbs need to be
spaced so far apart. Well here I am with two huge beds out front, not
having a clue as to how big they are, or anything else for that matter, with 45
tulip bulbs and 12 hyacinth bulbs. If I were smart I would have
measured my planting area and then had someone figure out the rest...and had
them dig it up, and pull those damned viney weeds out, and then plant my
bulbs.
Next year I’m paying someone with a certified green thumb to come reconstruct my flower beds. And I’d be willing to bet that whoever it is, enjoys fishing too!
