This is a onetime shot. A once-in-a-lifetime chance to view the Swiss cheese that is my soul. I probably won’t ever get this candid about my life and personal spiritual beliefs on my public blog, ever again.
A word of caution…you won’t find any “funny” in this post. I am literally, as the title says, Bearing My Soul. To be honest, there hasn’t been a whole hell of a lot of “funny” in my life lately, save for The Little Imp, Meg, and my absolute rock of a husband. I think you’ve all sensed a change. I also wanted to preface this by saying as genuinely as I can that if you are reading this and don’t go to church, or even if you don’t have a personal relationship with Christ or any sort of spiritual deity, please know that I do not, and I won’t ever judge you. This is about me. This is about my spiritual crisis and a window into my soul.
Writing has always been cathartic for me, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that I might possibly be good at it. Especially the funny stuff. Lately though it’s become a chore. I have to struggle to write about the more amusing aspects of our day to day lives. Before January that probably wouldn’t have been hard at all. But now it’s like I’m wading through waist high mud in order to see the more amusing aspects of my life. It's not a stretch to say that I am really having trouble. Yes, I’m working with someone, as a result of certain things that have happened recently, to get back to “me”…”working” being the ideal word in the above sentence. Maybe once I dig through all the crap and can find “me”, maybe then will the “funny” be back. That’s my hope at this point.
Anyhow, it really isn't anyone's business why we aren't attending church this year for Easter services. However, people have asked me and Meg and I have been talking about all things religious lately. She told me when she first set foot in Maine that she didn’t want to go to church, further to that, with everything going on lately in her own life – it’s not exactly enamored her of church - anything additional to that I’ll let Meg handle explaining if she so chooses), I will delve into some of our reasons. And you know something, it really sucks that I feel I have to justify our reasons at all. I will say this, a lot of it has to do with feeling comfortable with a home church, and frankly, I haven't felt at home anywhere around here lately. The people in this community scare me. That’s a whole other kettle of fish…my deep longing to return to Cape Elizabeth and those I know and am comfortable around. Quite simply, its home.
I'm also dealing with some internal conflicts that I don't know that I have the words to articulate and for other reasons, I can’t – I literally cannot give voice to. Some of you have probably sensed a depression of sorts and you wouldn't be too far off the mark. So much has happened in the last few months that it's going to take me ages to sort through it all.
Yes I know, for those of you who do attend church, you are probably sitting there shaking your head and saying to the computer screen; "silly girl, get your butt in church - that's where you're going to get help sorting this all out." It's not quite that simple though.
Those of you who know me intimately, know I have a strong personal
relationship with Christ, but you also know that I seriously question our religious
institutions and the politics involved. So if I'm sitting there having
doubts about a church I'm going to, I'm certainly not going to get so involved
with them to the point of opening up about the many internal wounds going on in
my personal life that have preceded this spiritual and personal crisis of
sorts.
Bottom line kiddies....I have to trust in my own one-on-one personal
relationship with Christ right now, because I don't trust the people in the
community I live in, so it’s logical that I wouldn’t go into a church in my own
community and bear my soul. Part of that
bottom line is having the faith to trust in my relationship with Christ to get
me through this. Because when you put
your cards on the table, at the end of the day it’s not your friends or people
you know who you need to put your faith in. It’s God. It’s having faith in your relationship with The
Father and his Son. Period.
Isn’t the saying; “Let go and let God.”? So why, when I’m already in a crisis, would I look to a church family to get me through something anyhow…a church family in a town I’m not comfortable in? Not to mention, I have serious misgivings about the decisions those in positions of leadership in our area churches make, all in the name of appearing politically correct and saving face. In my eyes, that’s not how you run a place of worship. It’s not a business nor is it a soapbox for political views or expressions of outrage aimed at our government.
When I walk into a church I want to feel God’s love and
grace envelope me. And lately I
haven’t. I don’t want to hear about
gays, the war in
Add to that, I am really questioning the nature of true Christians. I can hear the audible gasps from some of you. Wow, I’ve really opened Pandora’s Box with this one haven’t I?
I can safely say that I think I only know a handful. That’s right, a handful of people that I think are genuinely Christ-like and isn’t that what being a Christian is? I only know a handful of people who I believe truly live to glorify the Lord and Christ. That’s pathetic! Oh sure, I know a whole boatload that say they are Christian (and in all fairness, they themselves probably believe they are the epitome of what a Christian is but in my eyes, they are the antithesis of what I think being a genuine Christian is) and go around proselytizing about being a Christian and chastising others for the way they do or do not lives their lives. They act holier than thou and incredibly self righteous. They are quick to judge and they are even quicker to anger. And that bothers me to no end.
It’s not just watching other people who are supposed to be paradigms of Christ and all things Christian that has me where I am right now. There are other issues, some might even say larger issues, at play.
Part of me is asking God; “ok dude, I’ve yelled Uncle, I’ve screamed mercy, when is enough, ENOUGH? Because lemme tell ya Big Guy, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!” I know, now that I’ve written it, that you’re thinking; “wow, your life must really suck!” It doesn’t. I'm just having an incredibly hard time feeling worthwhile and feeling like I have a place in this world.
My point is, all the Christians I have ever known, and even the very Bible itself says to give your pain, your heartache and your sorrow to God and he will heal you. Well folks, I'm still waiting.
Then of course there is the anger. There is a whole hell of a lot of anger, probably enough to fill the Atlantic Ocean.
I can’t help but sit here amidst all the other chaos and ask God, “Why…why do you let bad things happen to good people? I think I’m a good person, albeit I don’t always make the right choices, I think I am fundamentally a good person yet I’m getting crapped on time after time lately and it’s getting old!”
All of the above is sad and confusing. It all contributes to my lack of desire to spend this Easter Sunday in a house of worship…in ANY house of worship. And when it all is said and done, I have to feel at home in a church. And right now, the only place I feel at home, or at least am comfortable around, is my own little small family. So we will celebrate Easter surrounded by those we love, care about and cherish and right now, right at this moment in time, if it’s good enough for me, it’s going to have to be good enough for you.
