Dear Joshua:
Happy Birthday son....Happy 20th Birthday!
Twenty...not yet twenty one but no longer a teen. You would have been a coming up on the close of your sophomore year in college and probably conspiring with Matt and Meg on summer plans - and a huge send off before their first year of college. Oh how old I feel thinking about THREE of my babies in COLLEGE already.
I suppose you look down from your place with Heavenly Father, all the old Dutch Aunts, and Great Granma and Great Granpa W. and watch life around our house. I bet you've been shaking your head lately. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, especially after days spent where it's just Meg and I, if you and I would have had some of the talks that Meg and I do. Sometimes they are quite silly, bordering on the absurd, and other times they are serious - the weight of the world on our shoulders. Meg is my diamond in the rough and so many times I wonder what her life, and Matt and Zack's and eventually the Little Imp's would have been like with their big brother looking out for them.
The Little Imp knows who you are now. She can point to your photograph and say your name. I'm sure it will be some time before she actually realizes who you are. Ya know? Sometimes its hard watching her and keep myself from wanting to bundle her inside the house, safe from all the dangers outside...always. She is now the same age you were when we lost you. As much as I worry, I can't help but smile at her impish ways and how she delights in being so amusing. Her smile reminds me so much of you.
This year has been pretty rotten so far, kiddo. It's been tough slogging through all the crap that's happened. Then recently, I had a hard time letting the Little Imp head out on her first field trip with her Montessori class. You know, she's only two...it was too soon. I decided to keep her home with me. There will be other field trips. Maybe it wasn't the right decision, but it was the right decision for me. I felt like a huge boob for making a big deal over it, but Grammie W. and G were my rocks and supported whatever decision I wanted to make. Thankfully the director of the Montessori was very understanding and knew where I was coming from, and that it was not that I lacked trust in them, but it was just something I was dealing with. She gave me the option of accompanying the group out on the field trip, but I'm just not real sociable right now and I simply wanted to keep the impish one home and spend the day doing fun stuff with her.
One thing I have realized through it all though is that I don't think I grieve as hard for the two year old I lost, as I do the young man that would never be. Oh sure, I still have days when I miss my mischievous and funny little Joshy....but more than that, I cry for the young man that never got to hit his first home run, score his first touchdown, proudly bring home a report card full of good grades...I weep over my own loss as well. I didn't ever get to watch you pedal those first tentative times, on your own - without training wheels...I never saw the look of accomplishment on your face as you got your driver's license and I was never able to scream with joy (like I did with Meg) over your acceptance to your first choice college. I grieve the little boy, the child, the young man and the adult who never got the chance to grow up.
Of course it goes without saying that you and I missed out on those common teenage/parent tussles. Believe me, Meg and I make up for it. But like a brief storm, it passes and we are stronger. She is so much like me that it's frustrating sometimes. It's like arguing with myself. More often than not though, the arguments end in giggles and we realize what horses asses we are. She's a real blessing, that sister of yours. I think you'd be proud of her.
Joshua, as much as a I grieve and long for things that never came to pass, as much as the pain sometimes permeates me to my very core, I know with a deep-seated knowledge, that I will see you again. I will hold your face in my hands and I will bury my face in your golden brown curls. There will be no tears and there will be no pain. Only love. I long for that day.
Happy Birthday Joshua. I miss you kiddo, but I love you more.
Mommy
