Barking Mad

Monday Madness: Yet Even MORE Randomness

Seeing as how last Monday's randomness went over so well, and seeing as how it IS Monday after all and whilst I might not have to head into an office, my brain is still functioning at a very basic level this morning. 

• Why, when I'm driving around looking for an address (even when the nice GPS lady tells me I've arrived at my destination, which usually is wrong!),do I always turn down the radio?  I guess there's something distracting about Mick Jagger telling me that I can't always get what I want.
• Is it some fluke of nature, or perhaps God's whack sense of humour that every time I just finish applying mascara that I sneeze?
• Why, dear God WHY, when I give Casey a bath because he smells like ass, does he end up smelling worse even though I use great smelling pet shampoo MADE FOR DOGS WITH SPECIAL HAIR LIKE CASEY'S?
• Speaking of Casey, or animals in general...the last time we took Griffy and Gracie to the vet  was back on Lion Cut Day and we were talking about why cats enjoy mice so much.  Our vet looked at me and said; "Mice taste a great deal like roast beef."  She didn't bat an eye when she said it.  So of course I asked her if she was serious and she told me she was and that it had been proven.   OK, so that begs the question, WHO was the poor soul who got duped into taste testing mice, roasted mice at that?  And if they do in fact taste like roast beef, why isn't there mice flavoured cat food and why don't I see little "Mice rump roasts" at my local stop-n-shop?  Bacon-wrapped fillet de mouse anyone?
• How is it that my two year old, at 5:30AM no less, can manage to get her shoes on the RIGHT feet on the first try, but I can't get my panties on right way round?
• Where does the fat go when you lose it? Not that I'm looking to find it, but seriously, this keeps me awake at night.  Especially people who have lost HUNDREDS of pounds.  Where did it go?  Did it just vanish into the ether somewhere and isn't it entirely possible, keeping the laws of physics and all that other mumbo jumbo in mind, that it could all come crashing back to earth in the form of some massive cosmic blob of fat, potentially wiping out all humankind?  It could happen...just sayin'.

Feel free to leave me a comment linking back to your own Monday Madness Randomness.  And who knows, by next Monday I may have learned (but don't count on it) how to create a link wizard thingy. 

I Have Mad Skillz

The "Mad Skillz" reference was just a friendly little dig at a friend of mine (hello Jerry, see, I'm waving!) who thinks my gangsta aptitude is lacking!  Imagine that.  I was Twittering away my time the other day and posted something like; "Yo, where all my tweets be at this morning?"  I do contend though that had eldest daughter been standing there, she would have rolled her eyes and then admonished me for using language like that. 

Seriously though, "Mad Skillz" probably isn't too off the mark for the week.   I have discovered hidden talents for getting myself out of certain situations that I didn't know I possessed.

Earlier this week, I was in the car with Katie and Meg, driving Katie back home when I was pulled over for speeding.  Yes, I was speeding. I will own up to it.   It's been ages since I've been pulled over for even so much as a burnt out tail-light, so as I sat there shaking and digging through the glove box trying to find my registration and proof of insurance, Katie leans over and says; "Mama, (you can take the girl out of the south, but you can't take the south out of the girl) I can make myself throw up if you think it will help."  I gave her a withering look (all of you moms out there know the one I'm talking about) and replied; "That's OK sweetie, you keep that Big Mac where it belongs, happily digesting!" 

If that wasn't enough, Meg pipes up from the backseat, "Yo mizzmo, I'll take off my shirt, how about that?"

"NO NO NO NO and DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT!" I screeched back at her.

The officer walks up to the car and requests all the usual paperwork and then asks me if I knew why he pulled me over and I squeak, "Yes sir, I was probably going a little too fast."  I immediately felt all of ten years old and like I was standing in front of my dad after he's caught me sneaking in after curfew.  Not. A. Good. Feeling.

"Ma'am, you were going 51MPH in a 35MPH"

Gulp. 

I sat there thinking about the hit our insurance rates would take after a ticket like that and how the hubby was going to give me that look.  He might even possibly have a stroke, or worse, take my keys away.  Oh the disappointment would be major!  And I couldn't miss the irony either...day after day spent yelling at Meg about never ever ever getting a ticket, now that she's driving, or I'd take the car away.  Strains of Allanis Morisette were playing in my head. 

"Officer, I'm sorry.  I was carried away listening to the girls chatter about college - both of them accepted at the same great private college, and I probably wasn't paying attention.  I'm going to miss these two when they head off in the fall."   

I thought about adding a few tears, but didn't want to go overboard.

The officer walks back to his cruiser, runs my info and comes back and lets me go with a warning, a rather stern one I might add.   Phewwww!  The air of relief in the car was palpable.

Fast forward to Wednesday afternoon and I'm late for an appointment.  OK, technically I wasn't late but getting close.  I can not stand being late.  I'd rather not go if I'm going to show up late.  I check my rear view mirror and there are the telltale lights flashing, announcing to the entire world; "You naughty naughty girl, you did a bad thing!"   I pull over, grab the requisite paperwork, not without feeling an overwhelming sense of deja vu and turn to see that I recognize the officer walking towards the car.  I think to myself; "There is potential here, don't screw it up!"

"Oh hi Officer SoandSo!  Wasn't graduation beautiful!  Didn't all the kids look great!"  I exclaimed, trying not to sound too much like Mary Poppins on crack.

Officer SoandSo replied; "It was a nice ceremony, but I reckon a wee bit hot. If I recall correctly, your little sprout slept through the whole thing. She's a cutie patootie that one!  Daddy's gonna have his hands full with her, 'bout as much as you do with your Meg!  Not to change the subject Mrs. YouKnowWhoYouAre, but I clocked you going 36MPH in a 30MPH.  You might want to slow it down just a bit, construction zone and all.   Now if you'll just rustle those papers I'll make it look official and you can go on your way.  Just a warning this time. " 

Playing along I asked him if I should look upset and maybe throw in a pout or two.  He said that he just wanted to make it look good, as the Staties were watching and had been bragging about issuing $6,000 worth of tickets in the last week, but he'd appreciate the pout, for dramatic effect seeing as how he was getting a reputation as a softy.

I have never been so glad to oblige someone carrying a gun in my entire life.

As I pulled away from the side of the road, I was doing a little touchdown dance in my head and high-fiving myself as I drove down towards the highway. 

How Long Could You Survive Trapped in Your Own Home?

Created by OnePlusYou -

Wow, who would have thought  that genuine leather products (that fabulous couch your ass sticks to in the summer heat) could be used as an alternative food source!