Meg was sitting at the kitchen table and called down the hall to me, "Hey mom, did you get any good shots?"
I hollered back from my bedroom, "I don't know. Not sure yet. I need to upload the pics to the computer. I did get something though, but it wasn't what I was expecting - well not what I went looking for anyhow."
I suppose, considering the early hour we left this morning (my overall aversion to people in general lately, has me leaving the house at the oddest of hours in order to go take pictures and not have to deal with people), it was a miracle I was able to talk my eighteen year old daughter into going with me. Her normal roll-out-of bed time is 11AM. She can be rather prickly when it comes to waking up any earlier.
It could have been the mention of Starbucks that prompted her to get out of bed, or it could have been the fact that I scared the bejeezus out of her this morning when I walked into her bedroom. I DID knock beforehand. I'm not sure who she thought I was, not even the Boogeyman would make his rounds that early. She screamed, which scared me as I wasn't expecting the hibernating lump to even move, so I screamed then she screamed again. Fun times.
The other thing that made it all the more surprising that she went along is that we've been going through some fairly strong mother-daughter squabbles lately surrounding her burgeoning independence and the fact that she's about to leave the nest and fly off to college. We haven't seen eye to eye on several things lately. I know our arguments are not unique, not at all in fact. I'm sure there are millions of families across the country right this very minute who's offspring are heading off to college in the fall, and are trying to balance the child they still have at home with the adult who is straining against the invisible chains that they think still bind them to mom and dad.
Our situation is a little unique in that I haven't always been there for my older kids (from my previous marriage). This is the first full year Meg has spent with me and for the most part it's been wonderful. However there are times when I overcompensate for my absence and try too hard to be both mother and friend.
We are very close, but sometimes the line between mother and confidante/friend becomes blurred and the ensuing arguments can get quite heated. She's also feeling a fair amount of ire towards her paternal family back on the west coast as they have all but abandoned her. It all makes for more "attitude" sometimes than I am willing to deal with.
Meg asked what I was shooting today and I told her I wanted to use the new lens and shoot coastal waterfowl and perhaps some photos of tide pools out at one of the local state beaches. I'd also heard about a couple of Great Blue Herons that were nesting in one of the more accessible marshy areas and I thought I'd try to get a couple of decent pictures. As my luck would have it, the end result [of the photos I took] wasn't great. Not even close.
I was far too nervous about falling into the water and whilst I'm a fairly good swimmer, I'm pretty sure my skills don't extend to the boggy marsh areas I was standing in and the thought of drowning my camera absolutely terrified me. Oh sure, it would have been blog-worthy (stay tuned for the time I drowned my Subaru), but I would be mourning the loss of a fairly expensive piece of equipment and my hubby would give me that look. (You know the one I'm talking about, the same exact one he gave me tonight when he learned that I had managed to talk my way out of yet another speeding ticket.) My hands shook pretty badly and the result was images that were not clear or crisp and certainly not something I'm going to boast about.
We headed out towards the beach and Meg and I did a great deal of talking about life in general and what she wants. There's been a lot of debate lately in our house around this topic. I think she needs to be more focused but the truth is, she doesn't know what she wants. In the end, that's OK. I have learned to back off when it comes to that. She just wants to go to college and feel her way around from there.
I know that eventually she'll find her way and slide into her niche. I think she just wants to know that she will always have a safe harbour here with the hubby and I and that regardless of what career path she chooses, she'll be given our support and encouragement.
I'm hoping she'll always know that I won't ever give up in trying to find the balance between mother, friend, mentor, and confidante. I can't promise I'm always going to be the best judge of when to be what, but I won't stop trying.
Her arrival to our home was tumultuous at best...having been kicked aside like so much garbage by her father. She's a good kid; intelligent, witty, a bit of a daring-do, but genuinely good. So it's no shock that her self esteem took the hit it did. Despite it all though, she's blossomed into such a gorgeous young woman.
After we left the beach we took our time coming back home, winding down bucolic coastal roads and stopping, as we frequently do, at the old cemeteries that are such an integral piece of history in New England. Several date back to the Revolutionary War era.
Meg stopped to look at one of the headstones and was struck by the age of the deceased...only eighteen years old. The same age as the young lady standing there, thinking about what life must have been like in 1868, the year he died.
She wondered if he had the same arguments with his parents that she and her peers have with theirs. There weren't any of the modern conveniences we have today, but was life so very different for him?
We both thought that it was sad that, for whatever reason, his life was cut short. To her, it seems like her life is just now really beginning. This deeply impacted me. I get it now! She's bursting at the seams to begin this journey called life, and I'm pulling as tight as I can, trying to reign her back in. But for once, and probably to her immense relief, I am beginning to see things through her eyes.
I had all intentions of heading out this morning, in hopes of finding something beautiful and wanted to capture the essence of the moment. I had forgotten that it's often when I set out, with no real path or clear intention of what I want to shoot, that I get the best photographs...the best results, and so it was today, but on a much deeper, much more gratifying level. I found something more priceless and beautiful than any National Geographic photograph. I didn't get anything resembling a perfect picture...rather, what I did find, after looking through the lens of her life, was my daughter.
