Dear Mr. Neighbour Man Who Whistles at 6:00AM in the Bloody Morning:
My name is Auds and I live directly behind you. Yes, that's right, we are the ones with the cute puppy your kids are always wanting to play with and call their own. No, they cannot have him. As much as he irritates me from time to time, he cannot go and live at your house. And no, I will not take seven marbles, a jump rope, and a Barbie doll with no head in trade, for Casey. Oh and please remind your spawn to quit trying to climb the fence into our backyard. Should your evil seed fail to stay off the fence we will be forced to landscape with Poison Oak.
As much as I enjoy talking about your offspring, the real reason I am penning this little missive to you is to address your habit of early morning whistling. Can you please STOP THAT!
It's not the fact that I abhor whistling. It's not even the fact that you insist on doing it at the butt-crack of dawn. Simply put, its WHAT you are whistling that unnerves me and makes me want to punch you in the face.
Seriously, the theme from The X-Files followed by The Exorcist?
Listen dude, I know you are just as excited about the new X-Files movie as the rest of us, but come on already, every freaking morning? Oh and don't get me wrong, I love me some Tubular Bells followed by gratuitous vomiting of pea soup and compelling of the demon in the name of Christ. But lets keep it in context shall we. It's not exactly morning music now is it? I prefer (and I can probably speak for some of the neighbours too) to be gently roused by the twitterings of songbirds perched in the treetops. Oh but wait....there are NO songbirds perched in our treetops are there? They've been scared away by your creepy whistling!
STOP THAT ALREADY!
Seriously, I'm getting to point of answering back every morning with an air horn. Now whilst I realize this might backfire and end up waking the Little Imp, I'm ready to take that risk as I think it just might get my point across.
And if that doesn't do the trick, you might just drive me to the point of resorting to Super-gluing your lips shut. Yeah, I'd like to see you whistle ANYTHING then! Oh you don't believe me do you? Well, let me tell you a little something about me! I happen to be a Super Glue savant of sorts.
Still don't believe me? Well just ask those folks down in Texas, they'll tell ya all about it.
Annoyed and Slightly Creeped Out,
Auds at Casa Barking Mad
