You know it's going to be good when your oldest daughter, who is eighteen, calls the land line from her cell phone, downstairs in her bathroom, and says;
"Mom you have to PROMISE me you won't blog about this! I mean it, PROMISE me!"
I told her to just shut up and tell me what's wrong already.
Now that I have recovered from the near seizure I almost had caused by fits of hysterical laughter, and have called my vet to make sure my dog would survive, you know the first thing I am going to do is blog about it.
Earlier this evening Meg had taken Casey (our seven month old Goldendoodle puppy, AKA Hell Hound, Demon Dog and Satan's Canine Spawn, for the two of you that are new and have no idea who I'm talking about) downstairs with her while she was in exercising on the elliptical machine and Ab Lounger. Casey apparently fell asleep in the family room and Meg decided to get in the shower.
A little word about the downstairs shower. It's approximately the size of a toaster. Well, OK, it's a tad bigger, but you can't bend over, so there's no shaving. Ever. Perhaps your arm pits but that's it. The bathroom itself is huge, but the shower, um yeah, it's minuscule.
Meg was headed to the beach so she did what any other female who is about to sport a bikini would do, some pruning. Now without getting entirely too graphic, because this is my daughter, I'll just say enough to let you know that she was standing in the bathroom while she was taking care of business and was letting all the hair drop to a towel below.
She finishes up and runs upstairs to get the broom and dust pan in order to take care of any pieces of hair that might have escaped the towel and when she gets back downstairs she discovers that Casey has awoken from his nap and is standing in the bathroom having a snack.
The snack? Yeah, you guessed it.
Now, before I went into fits of laughter I was genuinely horrified that my dog might choke on his snack and wasn't sure what to do. Do I Google it and see if any other dogs have met some horrible fate after eating pubic hair? I decided to just bite the bullet and call the vet. That is, until I dialed the number and someone answered and I had no idea what the hell I was going to say.
Vet's office: Hello, after hours help line, this is Marcy, how can I help you?
Me: Um, Hi Marcy, Um my name is Audrey SoandSo and I have a seven month old Goldendoodle puppy that is seen at your office and he just ate something I don't think he should have.
Vet's office: And what was that Mrs.SoandSo?
Me: Well um. Errrrrr, it was um hair.
Vet's office: What kind of hair was it?
Me: Just hair, you know. On the floor. The kind that's on the floor.
Vet's office: How much hair was it? How long was the hair? Was it human hair?
Me: Um yes.
Vet's office: Mrs. SoandSo can you tell me how much hair? Was it long hair?
Me: Hang on, I'll have to ask my daughter.
Me shouting downstairs: Meg!!!! Come up here for a minute. *teenager stomps upstairs* Just how much hair was it?
Meg: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Me: Meg, I'm serious, the vet wants to know how much hair he ate.
Meg: Well, all of it.
Me: So it wasn't just a trim or a light pruning, but rather you gave yourself a Brazilian without the wax?
Meg: Yeah you could say that.
Me: Oh for fuck's sake!
Meg: Well what do you think I was going to do, measure it? I didn't exactly have any measuring cups down there.
Me: You could have eyeballed it, just guesstimate how much hair there was. Never mind, I don't want to know.
I go back to the phone conversation with the vet's office and I can hear laughter as soon as I place my ear back up to the phone.
Vet's office: Ma'am, I couldn't help but overhear part of that. Did Casey eat pubic hair?
Me: *whimpering* Yes. A lot apparently.
Vet's office: Mrs. SoandSo does your dog appear to be in any distress? Is he vomiting?
Me: No. He's acting normal. He was pretty thirsty when he came back upstairs and I went ahead and let him drink two bowls of water because, you know, I thought, well, um, he might wanna wash it down so it didn't get stuck in his throat.
Vet's office: Mrs. SoandSo I think everything is going to be fine. Dog's do after all, bath themselves and ingest quite a bit of hair and it goes through their digestive tracks often without trouble or distress. Watch him over the weekend and call us on Monday if you are concerned and we'll get him right in. Was there anything else that I can help you with?
Me: No, I'm good. Um, thanks.
I can never show my face in that vet's office ever again. Everyone is going to know that I'm the one with the dog that ate the pubic hair.
First thing Monday morning I'm changing veterinary practices.
