"Change, she is a' comin' faster than a fat lady falling off a short building." ~ Auds at Barking Mad
The other day I walked downstairs to throw a load of clothes into the washing machine and happened to glance towards my right into Meg's bedroom. I noticed cardboard boxes which were strewn everywhere, clothes that had been tossed out of drawers and yanked off hangers, brightly coloured bottles of lotions, creams, perfumes and other assorted cosmetics which were lying on the shelves and on top of the unmade bed. The deep maroon and green floral comforter that I had chosen for the guest room, that Meg adopted, was tossed to the side and crumpled in a heap. If the casual observer were to have walked into her bedroom at that moment, they might think someone broke into the house and was rifling through everything looking for the good stuff. To me it looked like an Abercrombie & Fitch and Bath and BodyWorks bomb went off!
It wasn't a clothing and body product bomb nor did anyone break into the house. It was however, the early stages of my daughter getting ready to head off to college, which she did this morning.
Last week I was reading Bossy's account of taking her son to Columbia the week before and the tears started. This wasn't even my kid, yet just reading about it primed me for today. On the exterior, Bossy seems to have weathered the change well, with her easy sense of humour and third person description of the trip into Manhattan and setting up her son's dorm room. I was tempted to email her and ask for the real dirt, and how she's handling things now and if she's scared and worried and anxious, but this is Bossy we're talking about. She has always been so nice in the past about replying to my emails, but this is something personal. I don't know that she's ready to swap "sending kids off to college" stories with one of her readers.
Looking back across the wreckage of Meg's room I noticed several things that represented change, in both her life and mine, this past year, one of those being framed pictures of her close friends here in Maine. It's often our friendships that help us weather the storm of change that occurs in major life events. She had discarded so much of the old stuff she was hanging onto that was little more than representative of the hurt and pain she went through when being shuffled off to live with us.
Last summer was particularly troublesome for Meg. She wanted to live with us here in Maine but didn't want to upset the dynamics of her paternal family back in WA state. At times she was made to feel bad for wanting to come and live here. She was torn between wanting to be able to explore all her options here, and staying there to possibly not have her full potential realized and settling for whatever she could get. At times I would glimpse text messages she'd receive from her father's girlfriend telling her that if she made the decision to move in with us, she'd be letting her father down and he needed her help, especially now that he was going through another rough divorce. I felt she'd already played "little mama" long enough. She derserved better and needed time to be a kid, and not be responsible for helping her father out of whatever mess he'd gotten himself into. I didn't pressure Meg either way. I wanted this to be her decision, but it was difficult, watching her be put through hell for wanting something different, something more for herself!
In the end, her father's various crisis after crisis was the determining factor and he basically gave Meg a week to; get her stuff together, quit a longtime job, say goodbye to close friends, a boyfriend whom she had dated for the better part of two years (this ended up being a blessing in disguise) and get on a plane to New England. It was a stressful move and the adjustment took faith on both our parts.
When she arrived she was certain she'd end up sitting at the "loser table" at her new school with few friends. Knowing that my daughter is the outgoing social butterfly she is, and draws people to her with ease, I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle hordes of teenagers running through my house and the change in our own family dynamic it would create.
Little did we both know that we'd weather that change with ease and great success.
In no time Meg and Katie, both transfer students from vastly different areas of the country were best friends. Katie, as did her husband, became frequent and very welcome guests in our home. Katie has become like another daughter to me.
Meg quickly found herself the center of an awesome group of friends who could quite often be found in our home, studying, celebrating, or just hanging out. I discovered I enjoyed playing host to them and it became common to hear a knock at the door and be greeted by one of her friends asking if they could talk to me about this, that or some other thing.
It wasn't unusual to have several of her close friends join us for the holidays.
Even the Little Imp took every opportunity to endear herself to Meg's friends as they did her.
These bonds did change the dynamic of our family, but only in the most positive way. Some friendships ended (well, as far as boys...they will come and go I've learned), and some have only strengthened over time. All of these remarkable friends have helped her adjust to living on another coast, to culture shock which included a new school with NO walls, and to life away from a family she had spent a great deal of her life with. They rallied around her when she thought she'd never get over the hurt of things done and said by her paternal family. They became a support net of sorts.
Nothing says friendship like being able to pierce your best friend's nose, blow up (and that's putting it lightly!) a lighter in her parent's backyard fire pit which destroyed some outdoor furniture, or cover her mom's kitchen in powdered sugar and live to tell the tale!
Both Meg and I have learned to be more tolerant and open to people who have different lifestyles but are no less special or brilliant. We've both changed in that we've learned to look past things we may disagree with, to see the humans standing in front of us. I've met some truly beautiful kids this year, the "twins", Scott and Taylor, amongst them.
Meg and I were also a little concerned about how she'd react to life with a toddler. Soon enough we found that our fears were unfounded. These two have quite the mutual admiration society going.
It was no shock, when leaving the college today, the tears flowed fast and furiously when it came time for the two of them to say, "See ya soon, sis!"
Meg and I often battled over time spent studying. She worried about grades and I fussed over whether she knew what her priorities really were. I learned how to change how I approached her about this, and she learned how to respond to a mom she was getting to know all over again. There were times when we'd butt heads and there was the occasional knock-down-drag-out. We are so very alike that it was surprising the times we didn't see eye to eye. She was, once upon a time even busted for breaking curfew. Here in New England though, we have unique ways of dealing with house rule violations...
I don't think she'll ever want to rake another leaf as long as she lives!
At some point, something "clicked" and we both changed how we reacted to one another, and how not (well OK, sometimes) to push the buttons that would set each other off. I learned to stand by her side, rather than in front of her, and offered myself as a buttress to whatever confidence shattering thoughts she may have had about working towards her goal of graduating with honours and going on to college.
The hubby and I spent hours encouraging her to go after everything she wanted no matter what it was. When she came home one afternoon and told us she had chosen a college; a small, private school here in Maine, but was afraid she wouldn't get in, we supported her and worked with her to improve her SAT and ACT scores. We cheered her on as she submitted her application, prepared her essay, and then went through the interview process.
We all waited anxiously for the post each day in hopes of news from the college.
In early March, her hard work, optimism, enthusiasm, and faith in herself and her ability to rise above everything and meet the challenge of getting into a top notch college was repaid!
So it came as no surprise, three short months later that she graduated from high school with honours!
As I write this, Meg is now settling into her dorm, the size of a raisin (I'll post pics soon), with our spare Megan, and we are now settling into a house forever changed by the presence of an amazing and beautiful soul. It's far too quiet. It remains to be seen how we both deal with these "changes." If I know my daughter, and at this point, I think I do, I know she's going to have the time of her life and prove to everyone just how damned intelligent she really is.
I would be dishonest if I said I will weather the first few weeks of this adjustment with anything resembling grace or aplomb. These past several difficult and unsettling months, Meg has been my constant cheerleader, the kick in the ass I have needed from time to time, and my staunchest defender - wanting to go kick the junk out of those who are responsible for my current state of mind. I miss her incredibly right now. About this time every night she'd come into our bedroom, stop a moment in the alcove to tell Casey he smelled bad and then go on to tell us how her day went and then say goodnight.
Tonight I'm settling for text messsages.
You'd better believe I eagerly await the holidays and being regaled with tales of college life, her classes, her professors and OK, all about the boys she's met too!
I love you my beautiful and talented Megawatt and I have been so proud to watch you grow and change into a gorgeous woman who is articulate, charming and so very loving. You have embraced life here in Maine, which I know at times is not easy, and you've been a huge blessing to DDG,the Little Imp and I. You've grown up before my eyes, and I hope that I can make you proud, by doing the same.
