Tampon-Gate
Back when this happened, I was a tad grossed out, but seriously amused because...well because it didn't happen to me. Had this happened to me, chances are good that I wouldn't be sitting here writing this today. Nope, I'd be in a convent somewhere in Switzerland singing hymns in the Alps, or possibly even nannying for a large family.
Twenty some-odd years have passed since this occurred and I was going to tell eldest daughter about this after a recent problem we had concerning our plumbing and tampons (let this be a lesson, tampons and septic systems DO NOT MIX!), but decided I'd save it for the blog when I was really stretched for something to write. I thought I'd tell ya'll about a certain girl I went to school with who, as a result of what happened, will probably never be seen romping through the waves in a white bikini during that time of the month.
There was a girl, we'll call her "Susie" who I went to high school with. She was athletic, insanely intelligent, and blond...very very blond in the literal and metaphorical sense. Susie was the kind of girl who got along with almost everyone but wasn't really close to anyone in particular. She kept people at arms-length distance and whilst she had parties that most of us went to, and was involved in loads of extracurricular activities, she just didn't seem to "click" with any BFF's. Imagine my surprise when she came and tapped me on the shoulder one day during Zoology class and almost begged me to come to the ladies loo with her.
Susie was...a "late bloomer" as in her initial visit from Aunt Flo didn't occur until she was almost sixteen and she was, unprepared to say the least. The vending machines in the loo were out of the necessary stuff that one needs in times such as these, and having long been acquainted with Aunt Flo, I gave Susie a tampon. She looked at it like I'd given her a live bunny rabbit to shove up inside her. She exclaimed; "I can't use THAT! I'm still a virgin!" I told her it was all I had but that I could run to the nurse's office and ask if she had any pads. Well, that wasn't going to work for Susie so she grabbed the tampon and held it out from her, as if it were a snake and would strike, and then looked me in the eye and asked me how was she supposed to use it?
"Dude, are you SHITTING ME? Didn't your mom like totally explain this to you? " I asked her.
She replied that her mom gave her a book about it and told her to ask her older sister if she had any questions. Well, "older sister" was currently 3000 miles away at college and not available to give Susie a tampon tutorial.
So I looked at her and said; " Dude, it's a tampon, you know, I mean, for sure, a tampon and you just, you know, like totally just stick it up inside, like just, you know...."
Talk about wanting the floor to open me up and swallow me. Susie opens the wrapper and then walks into the stall and asks me to stick around in case she needs help.
What the fuckity fuck?!?!?!
I told her I was sure she could manage on her own, it didn't require an instruction manual and I had to get back to class.
I could not get out of there fast enough.
A couple of hours later at lunch Susie walks toward me and a group of other kids I was eating lunch with in the round, and asks me if she can talk to me. I assumed she was going to ask me if I had any spare "stuff" she could have until she got home. If only it were that simple.
"Audrey, something isn't right. It HURTS, like BAD! Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I can't even walk without it pinching and stabbing me!"
I had no clue what to say, so I said something totally asinine.
"Suz, dude, I'm not a nurse, I don't even play one on TV, you better go to the real nurse, 'cause like I totally don't know whats up, for sure!"
Ever the valley girl (as if you couldn't already tell), I had no clue what was wrong with her and I actually wondered to myself if that little lone tampon had...um...well, I wondered if perhaps it hadn't deflowered her if ya know what I mean. I would have said "popped her cherry" but my mom gave me a stern lecture about using that term, whilst she was here on holiday. Oops, I went and used it anyway. Damn!
Sixth period rolls around and it was P.E. Susie had sixth with me and she walks out of the locker room, onto the tennis court looking like she'd been on a horse for about a week. No sooner had the teacher paired us up did she sit down on the ground and dissolve into tears. The teacher walked over to her and bent down to ask her what was wrong. After a few minutes speaking with her and trying to calm her down, she walked Susie back inside and that was the last I saw of Susie for two days.
Turns out that Susie had inserted not only the tampon but the applicator too...and LEFT IT THERE.
How do I know this?
Our P.E. teacher was a lovely lady...all 200lbs and 6ft of her, with her girl-stache and seldom shaved pits...she sat us down the following Monday afternoon and implored us all to make sure we knew the proper way to use feminine products and that tampon applicators; "For the love of Christ, should ALWAYS BE REMOVED!"
I moved to another city and school soon after that and I've often wondered if Susie ever got over that. I'd heard she got a full-ride to Cornell but no one knows much more than that because she has never gone to any of the reunions or kept in touch with former classmates.
Part of me felt horribly sorry for her, but the other wicked part, still laughs hysterically when I think about it and I wonder what she thinks about the phrase, "Have a happy period" that's etched all over Always Maxi Pads.
