I was sitting here minding my own business...OK, stop, rewind, backspace!
Who am I kidding? I was reading someone's blog, that someone inparticular happened to be Big Hair Envy, and she posed all these questions that I think need answering, and having overdosed on caffiene, pizza and a decadent two hour afternoon nap (um yeah, those Frappacino come-downs are harsh!) I think I'm up to the task of answering them. Well, I'll keep telling myself that and you just keep up now, will ya!
Why don't people use turn
signals? Are some vehicles no longer equipped with these handy devices? Because it's now trendy (the same way that booty shorts with slilettos are trendy - only in someone else's mind) to psych the people out, who are behind them - or waiting to make a left turn in front of them and make them nearly collide in with the non-signaling driver, giving them a heartastroke - or nearly! Fun!
Why do people go
through the drive- thru bank line when they don't have their paperwork ready? Shouldn't the
teller make them go INSIDE? Have you seen the inside of those people's cars? Um yeah, it has that lived in look if you know what I mean. The tellers won't make them go inside because it means they get to sit there on their big banking butts, that much longer and not have to deal with the walk-in customers. Banking Brilliance!
Who woke up one morning and
decided that the mullet would be a great hairstyle? Why do some people still
believe that to be true? Because those same people have a deep held belief in the saying, "Business in the front, party in the back!" and they're also the ones who tend to have a '72 Ford Pinto parked on cement blocks in their front yards.
How does one slice of pizza turn
into six pounds on my butt? Hell, consider yourself lucky! It turns into NINE on mine!
Why can't I read the letters that
I am required to type in order to leave bloggy love for my friends in the blogosphere? You, my dear friend, are asking a question as old as Stonehenge itself. I once tried to answer it only to fail miserably.
Where does the time go? On vacation to Maui. Or to your hips. Take your pick.
Why does food have to taste so
good? What, you think it should taste like sheep testicles? Well, perhaps if it did I wouldn't have just put another nine pounds on my ass!
How does my cat lick herself like
THAT? Probably the same way my damn dog licks himself like THAT!
If I decided NOT to cook dinner
one night, would my family starve to death? No, but they may be forced to forage for something in your front yard, or go find some sheep testicles.
Why do my clothes keep shrinking
in the dryer? Because they are in collusion with the pizza. It's a huge conspiracy I tell you!
Why do they grow up SO fast? Well, I'll tell you what, I'll take a pack of pre-teens any day over my non-potty-trained two year old! You wanna change diapers for the rest of your life?
How can I make a living blogging?
Could I quit my day job? Only if your name happens to be Dooce AKA Heather B. Armstrong. Of course, if your name also happens to be Black Hockey Jesus and you have aspirations of Dooceness.
Will I EVER meet any of you? Sure! Come on up to Maine and I'll throw a lobster on the grill for ya!
How do I always manage to pick
the slowest line in the grocery store? It's all in your strategy m'dear! You really need to up your game so you beat those prune-drinkin' grannies (therein probably lies the answer, drink more prune juice, that'll speed things up for sure!) to the checkout. But be careful, all that prune-induced power can make those geezers wiley!
Why can't I quit work and go to
the beach every day? Because your name is not Dooce AKA Heather B. Armstrong or Black Hockey Jesus.
Is it wrong to tan? Don't be silly! Of course it's not wrong to tan! If you didn't you'd be depriving millions of oncologists the world over of much needed income (you know, from taking care of your malignant melanomas) to keep their BMW's out of the repo man's paws and keep their golf club memberships in check.
Does anal retentive have a
hyphen? It DOES have a hyphen. I am, so I should know.
Has Kiefer Sutherland ever been married? That's probably a very good question for Camelia Kath and Kelly Winn...his EX-wives.
When did I become my mother? Probably around the same time I opened my mouth to tell my daughter to, "For the love of all that's holy, turn down that crap you call music!" and my very own mother jumped out of my mouth!
What was so great about Marcia,
Marcia, Marcia? Because it's so funny funny funny!
Is it strange that I would still
like to become a Marine Biologist? at 42? No more strange than me wanting to become e best-selling author at 39 and 3/4.
Why do I miss my grandmother so
much? Still? Probably the same reason I still miss him so much.
Are you still reading this? But of course!
Why? Because I am the mom and I said so, that's why!
What is the purpose of a kelp
supplement? To produce wonderful kelpy burps to remind you of why you can not quit your job and go to the beach every day.
Now, if you think you can provide some additional answers to these questions, head on over to Big Hair Envy's place and have a whack at it!
All this thinkin' makes my brain hurt.
