So many times over the last several months, as I have sat in my dark hole and counted the hours until I could crawl back into bed and ignore the world and all the bright, shiny, happy people in it, I have often sought out the words of others to lift me up, make me laugh, remove the focus from the blackness in my own soul, or simply distract me. Those words have been your words, your thoughts, and most of all, your time. You've poured so much time and thought into the words you put on your blogs, or the words you leave for me in your comments. If you take away nothing else from this post, please know that I am eternally grateful for the time you spend leaving me comments or emailing, or even sending a tweet to say hello. Your words find a place deep within my soul that encourages me to keep reaching and hanging onto and pulling myself back over the edge.
A lot of you have emailed me, wanting to know how the new antidepressant has been working out and how I'm feeling. Since starting the Lexapro a few weeks ago I've not had any of the nasty side effects I experienced with the others, especially the Zoloft. I was a tad scared to start it, because once you've had thoughts of sitting in a bathtub, slitting your wrists, watching all of your lifeblood drain away and thinking that your family and friends would be better off without you, and you manage to come back from that perilous edge...you never want to go back there again.
I also fired my psychiatrist with the help of my psychologist. We've decided that seeing as how so many of the issues that I have that were precipitated by the Very Bad Thing, and now, as a result have trouble dealing with men, it would be better to not only find someone who had their heads out of their ass, but someone I could trust and felt comfortable with, which leads me to believe that perhaps a female provider might be a better fit for me. Frankly, Dr. Sweeney Todd/Comb-Over needs to go back to Medical School and study up on MODERN pharmacology! Me bitter? Not at all. Well, perhaps just a tiny bit.
As far as whether or not the Lexapro is helping? Well, it's hard to say. Whilst I'm not sleeping the 16-18 hours a day like I was, I still think I sleep too much. I'm not as irritable as I was nor am I nearly as weepy and inconsolable. However, I still don't feel like socially reintegrating myself with the rest of the world.
The hubby and Little Imp begged me to go apple and pumpkin picking with them this past Sunday, and for an hour, I humoured them until the panic had risen to a point where the hubby said it was like a palpable air around me and he knew it was time to leave. In a funny sort of way, that was probably a good thing. A year ago I probably would have picked close to 100lbs of apples instead of the merciful 25lbs we came home with. I did enjoy seeing the smiles on the Little Imp's face and loved watching her run through the rows and rows of apple trees, who's branches were bending with the weight of their bright red bounty, and listening to her giggle as she pried apple after apple off it's perch on a limb. Seeing her come running back towards me, blond curls bouncing along with her, and showing me her prizes; lifted a part of my spirit that hasn't been quite so buoyed in a long time. When we got home though, I broke down in tears and then slept for nearly two hours. It just came out of nowhere. It was as confusing to the Little Imp and my hubby as it was to me.
Sunday night I came back out here, after feeling a bit like I was suffering from an emotional hangover and read some of your comments and emails and was once again reassured that whilst it might not be tomorrow, or even next month, or even two months from now, but eventually, I will get through this. The thing that scares me about then, is that I won't have changed enough into the kind of person that I need to be in order to overcome this. I'm afraid that if I don't change, I will always see myself as the worthless person I've been led to believe I am. Deep inside I want to be the strong woman again, who, before all this nastiness happened, could have cared less about what people said or thought about her, the one who pretty much told people to "fuck off" if they didn't like her.
Part of getting back to that woman, is admitting some of my shortcomings, and that's where you, my wonderful and brilliant friends come in.
I have been remiss in reciprocating the kindness and time you all have shown me over the last several months. Please know that if you've left a comment, or sent an email, it hasn't gone unnoticed or unappreciated. More often than not, I come back to those words and am grateful for the feeling and emotion, care and concern behind them. I'm thankful for those words...words which build up and strengthen and fortify a battered soul. It's those same words that bring me back out here, day after day, especially when I have come very close these last few days to bringing the blog to an end. To be honest, it has gotten to be a bit overwhelming and it leaves me feeling a bit unbalanced...trying to recover from everything, complete edits to my book that's coming out, do the laundry, and be whole enough to care for my family. There are days when I just can't keep up and I can't find the time to read all of the blogs I love and leave comments as thoughtful and heartfelt as the ones you leave me. I end up feeling like I just want to throw in the towel. But then, I don't. And I probably won't because this community of women (and men too!) I've discovered through blogging mean a lot to me, or as Megawatt refers to you all; "mom's little friends in her computer."
You're all much more though, than my "little friends in her computer." You are real men and women, with real lives and children, spouses and loved ones, jobs, with troubles of your own, complications of your own; yet you find the time to uplift others and share your lives with the rest of us. Hopefully in time, I'll get around to each and every one of you to let you know how much I enjoy your own words...be it those you leave here at Barking Mad, or those on your own page. Your contributions to the blogosphere and the people in it don't go unnoticed or unappreciated. The value you add to our world is immeasurable at times.
Eventually I'll find the balance I'm seeking, to get it all done, and the laundry too!
