As I sit here and write this with a little over two hours left in 2008, I take a deep breath and am grateful that what has been, in many ways, one of the worst years of my life, is about to be over. In other ways, very meaningful ways, it's been a year filled with as many blessings as there have been disappointments and heartache.
I know, just by virtue of the fact the clock will be striking 12, and the new year beginning, all that has happened this year which made it a painful one, won't magically disappear. I also know that much will remain unresolved from 2008 that will hopefully be resolved in 2009.
I've made a promise to myself to try and get back on track and dig deep throughout 2009 to find the old me...dig through the layers of pain, anger and depression and fill the holes that remain with happiness, joy, and the pleasure of being alive and surrounded by people I love. I know this will be a long road, and it's apt to be filled with a few potholes and struggles and coming to terms with what happened in January of last year - The Very Bad Thing...I have to do this though. This hard work, this soul-searching and redefining of who I am -- who I want to be. If I don't, I fear I will lose what little is left and won't have anything to rebuild myself on. I know there will be more anger, tears and frustration, but in getting that out, I hope it purges the bile that's been building up over the last year and threatening to overtake every aspect of my life. The physical effects of this last year have been almost as devastating to me as the emotional. I have gained almost 50lbs whilst trying to bury my anger, my hurt and my pain over the last 12 months. This burden I carry is as heavy physically as it is emotionally. I've gone from feeling ugly on the inside to looking just as hideous on the outside. When you are already overweight to begin with, any excess weight becomes almost too much to bear.
In an effort to begin the healing process and lay the foundation for a happier and healthier life, we are taking Megawatt, the spare Megan, the spare Zack, Paul (these kids have become such a huge part of our lives over the last year, and I love them as if they were my own), Zack's friend Elira, and the Little Imp out to the shore to greet the new year, despite subfreezing temps and high winds. While we're out there, I'm taking a piece of paper on which I have written all the negative things about the last year, and burning it in a symbolic gesture of destroying the old to make room for the new. Sometimes you can't grow new crops without razing and burning the old field. Doing so will yield beautiful healthy crops in the future. I'd like to be able to accomplish the same, within myself. I have a wonderful family who supports me and I know will do whatever it takes to make sure I sow seeds of empowerment, health and happiness this year. If wealth was measured by the love our families provide us, it is without a doubt I'd be among the wealthiest women on earth.
It goes without saying that some of the happier moments of 2008 came from my involvement in the blogosphere. I've developed some wonderful new friendships and existing ones have blossomed even more. I am so grateful to be able to share part of our lives with you and feel incredibly blessed for the glimpses into your lives that you all share with the rest of us. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the lifeline that some of you have provided to me during some of my darkest hours. Your emails, comments, phone calls and expressions of love, hope and encouragement have meant the world to me.
It is my fondest wish for all of you that 2009 brings you as much happiness as you desire, friendship, prosperity, health, humour, and love...
