Barking Mad

Wanna Swap? ***WE HAVE A WINNER***

CONGRATULATIONS To Wendy from Ruen's on the Run!  She is the winner of the Wanna Swap contest! 

READ THE ENTIRE POST...There's a contest at the bottom!

It's no secret that the economy sucks right now.  Even if you inhabit the upper income levels (aside from the stratosphere where the likes of Oprah, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffet hang out), you're probably feeling it.  Regardless of where you sit in terms of income level, you're probably well aware of the downturn and it's probably affected you in some way, be it small or large.  Maybe you've cut back on eating out, Friday nights at the cinema, daily Lattes at Starbucks, or are switching from brand names to generics. 

For us, it's been a combination of a lot of things.  With the added expense of almost full-time Montessori for the Little Imp, (whilst I sort through my issues), and added co-pays for my therapy and the huge jump in our heating oil costs, (last year we were spending about $125 a month for heating fuel oil which is the more common method of heating homes here in New England, we're spending roughly $425 a month now.  OUCH!), the economy has hit us pretty hard and I'm no longer as confident as I once was about our future financial stability...a sentiment that millions of families across the country share right now.  It didn't help that shortly after we bought our home in July of '07, the town tax assessor re-evaluated and adjusted property values and our property taxes almost doubled! 

The hardest thing for me to have to halt almost immediately was spending on the Little Imp and Megawatt.   It wasn't uncommon for me to get the Little Imp an entire new wardrobe every few months.  I'd throw new stuff at Megawatt too, be it clothes, make-up, or shoes.  I love shopping for my girls.  I sign up for all of the email advertisements as well....Gymboree, Children's Place, Hot Topic, Macy's, GAP, Juicy Couture...you name it.  If they are having a sale, and I can get it online, I'm all over it.  Back in the good old days when I didn't mind going to the mall, the folks at Gymboree knew me by name!  That's how bad it was.

Not any more!

Now I'm trying to find ways to keep my toddler, who happens to be growing like a weed (don't they all?), in clothes.  I've been browsing Ebay and Craigslist but to be honest, I don't get the whole Ebay thing and having to get up close and personal through people on Craigslist kinda scares me.  Frankly, some of the prices and starting bids for kids stuff on Ebay is a little outrageous.  I understand that everyone is trying to make a buck where they can, but come on!  I'm not going to pay almost the same price for a pair of tights on Ebay that I can get locally at Gymboree!  Totally defeats the purpose.

I was literally sitting here with our budget last week, trying to figure out how to robb Peter to pay Paul so that I could get the Little Imp a few more pair of jeans and some sweaters, not to mention snow boots that didn't pinch her feet, and still manage to pay the electric bill and make sure there was enough money left over for groceries.  I was about to give up when I got an email from MommyPie telling me all about this fantastic new website she was starting.  I immediately fell in love with the concept behind Swap Mamas.   I also knew, despite having shipped a box the size of a small European car to my little sister Amanda, who just gave birth to her first baby girl, that I still had so much stuff from Imp's babyhood and early toddlerhood that was in wonderful shape and could benefit someone else.

Here are just a few of the catagories...

New (or Nearly)

Kids Books & Movies

Toddler Clothes 18-24M

Cloth Diapers Etc.

Kids Clothes 3T

Baby Bed & Bath

Sports Gear

Artsy-Craftsy  (I know there are at least two or three die-hard scrappers that read Barking Mad! so get out there!)

...those are just a few of the catagories/groups that you'll find out there! 

Sure...I could put this stuff on Ebay or Craigslist and try to make some much needed money.  I could even bag it up and take it to Goodwill or Salvation Army, itemize it all, and wait for a receipt so that we could deduct it on next year's taxes.   But ya know what...?  I like the idea behind Swap Mamas a lot better.  I like the fact that even if I don't find an ideal swap, I know that eventually I will, and I also know that someone out there who maybe I only know through the blogosphere - is going to get a lot of use and probably be grateful for whatever I send.

You don't always have to "swap."  You can just give...but the more you give, eventually the more you'll get.  Right now though, giving just feels better to me and I'm happy to support MommyPie's brilliant idea! 

Now, because I am soooo in lurve with this idea, here's the deal.  Go out to Swap Mamas.  Join. Then, go back your very own little bloggy space and post about it.  Nothing major.  Even if it's only a paragraph.  Just post something about it.  Even if you're already a member, you can still enter.  Just post about it!  Eventually, through word-of-mouth, I'm quite certain that Swap Mamas will be huge and have vast quantities of stuff to swap.  Once you've joined and created your post, come back here and leave me a comment along with the url (just cut and paste, I'm too lazy right now to create a Mr. Linky for this.), and on Tuesday at 8:00PM EST the Little Imp will pick the winner.  What will you win?  So glad you asked!

• One month subscription to NetFlix
• $15 Borders  Gift Card
• $15 Starbucks Gift Card

Oh and if you don't have a blog, just send out an email letting your mommy (even your daddy!) friends know about Swap Mamas.  Just be sure to cc/bcc me too - iambarkingmad (at) gmail (dot) com -  and I'll enter you in the drawing for the contest!

Good luck and get swappin'!

THE FINE PRINT - Void where prohibited...which really is just my fancy way of saying that if I've had sex with you,  you gave birth to me, if I gave birth to you,  if you are a sibling (rivalrous or not), or in any, way, shape, or form related to me, nanny nanny boo boo, you can't enter the contest. 

A Favor

For so very long now I've become apathetic to the world around me.  It seems, the lower I sink into my own personal abyss of pain and the deeper I wallow in my own personal hell, I become numb to the pain of those around me...

Today was different.

I'm a member of a little bloggy-love group called SITS.   See that badge over there on the side --->, Yeah, that pink and brown one...go click it and hook yourself up with some comment love and discover some new blogs. 

Lately I've become quite a neglectful SITSa.  I just haven't had it in me to go out and read and comment and be part of the whole thing...or the blogosphere in general.  Today I actually opened the daily email from SITS and went to the site they recommended. 

It was all about Tuesday.

I can't explain what happened afterward.  I read and immediately the tears began.  An hour later I found myself on the floor, cheeks soaked with salty tears, my throat sore, my head pounding like so many tribal drums, and my heart...my heart so very heavy with feeling for this beautiful little girl who is leaving the hospital to be at home with her family.  This will be her final journey home.

Tuesday is two. 

She is only two.

I don't know this gorgeous, bald, little two year old girl.  I'd never even heard about her until this morning.   I do know that she reached across the miles and ripped my cold, insensitive heart out of my chest, shook it...and touched it,  and woke something up inside me. 

I have a favor to ask all of you who read Barking Mad.  Go out to Tuesday's family's home on the web and leave them a kind word, a prayer; let them know they're in your thoughts.  Even if, like me, you aren't quite sure what you believe in, just send them whatever positive thoughts you have.  Peace...love...comfort.  Whatever you can.   They need to be wrapped in love and comfort right now. 

If you're a college freshman in Syracuse, go.

If you're a grandma in some small town with a silly name in so Cal, go.

If you're a doting auntie and uncle in the UK, go.

If you're a group of girls on the 2nd floor of a college dorm in a sleepy Maine town, reading the blog of one of your classmates moms, go.

If you're a blogger who devotes her time and talent to shredding others on the internet, in the name of "keepin' it real", go.

If you're a DJ in Washinton D.C., go.

If you're a busy mom with two kids and an insane dog, go.

If you're a computer geek in Rancho Cucamonga, go.

If you're a pre-occupied man in Saudi Arabia who loves to sit and stare at blog posts about spiders, go.

If you have a heart...a soul...some spare compassion...go! 

Individually our efforts might seem so small, even insignificant.  But together, I really believe we can do so much.  The impact we make as a whole is incredible.

Please, please envelope this family and this beautiful little girl in love and comfort.

 

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Shattering the Facade

Fair warning...this won't be a post with photos of cats, tales of childbirth or humorous anecdotes about life with a toddler.  This is just me, being honest..brutally honest.  Folks, this is the harsh reality of my life right now.  I know several of you are getting whiplash from my back and forth moods, but it is what it is. It isn't pretty and it isn't happy...but then, neither am I. 

There's a phrase that's being bandied about in bloggy-land; "Keepin' it real."  There are a few blogs  that call out the bloggers and writers who they feel, aren't "Keepin' it real."  Well folks, this is my blog, and right now, this is my life and I'm doing my best to keep it real!

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from someone who reads Barking Mad, asking me about the photos of me that are out here (In particular the photo that used to be above the "about me" section) and was wondering how recent they were?  It was innocuous enough but it kind of rankled with me for a few days, like a burr that starts to fester if not removed right away. 

I never responded to the email because frankly I didn't want to deal with it.  It also bothered me that someone asked a question like that.  To be honest though, I've been expecting it.  The photo in question is not quite four years old.  I happened to like it and have used it on various social medial avatars.  As a general rule, I really don't like having my picture taken and don't feel I'm particularly photogenic.

I let the email irritate me for a little while longer before I deleted it.  I thought, "out of sight, out of mind."   But it wasn't.  It was still there.  Maybe not physically, but on the not-so-subconscious level it was a bit like a grain of sand irritating an oyster, except I rather doubt a pearl with result from this.

I was taking pictures of the Little Imp a few nights ago and asked the hubby to snap a close up of me.  I thought to myself;  "For fuck's sake, just put a recent picture up on the blog and all the other social media you try and keep up with!  Just do it already!"   He ended up taking about 90 photos and out of all of them, I only marginally liked one.   This is the lone survivor out of all those wasted shots...

 

I uploaded it and darkened the edges and increased the light and that was it. I slapped it up on Facebook, Twitter, and the blog and called it good. 

Except it wasn't.  Good. Or anything else remotely close to being good.  Or honest.

The photo hasn't been retouched, but the face...the smile...  None of it is genuine.  It's not an accurate representation of the woman who sits in front of the computer, completely safe from the scrutiny and judgment of the outside world; who regales you with tales of her cats, her toddler and her wretched  life. 

There's a lot that you don't see when you look at that photo.

You don't see the entire picture, and if I have my way, you probably never will.  You don't see the obese woman, who is so terrified of people and the things that come out of their mouths...the judgments, the looks, the condescension and superiority complexes that she stays in her home unless she has a doctor's appointment or her husband forces her to leave.

Oh...but wait, there's more. The coat hides the layers of fat that surround my neck and my 3 ever-present chins. 

The make up conceals deep, dark circles under my eyes from nights spent trying to keep myself awake so I won't have the same goddamned nightmares over and over again.  Under eye concealer also covers up the cracks and sores on the sides of my mouth created from the hours I spend making myself sick so as not to gain any more weight. It's an ugly little habit, but it's mine.  I can control it when everything else is spinning out of control around me. 

Let's face it, 60lbs in ONE YEAR is a hell of a lot of weight to gain, I don't care who you are.  One might assume, due to what happened back in January of last year, I might have gone the opposite way and done anything to lose the weight.  Well, the brain is a strange place and mine is no exception.  It wouldn't be too far off the mark to say I'm trying to bury myself alive.

The bottom line...Attractive to no one.  Repulsive to everyone.  I'm getting the message loud and clear. 

This is just one of the many reasons I've decided against attending Blissdom and BlogHer '09.  Women, as a rule, can be catty and petty...not to mention consummate gossips.  Why open myself up to any more of that kind of bullshit than I have to?  I've read the blogs...the ones where they spend time getting off on ripping other bloggers/writers apart.  I've seen how they talk about the women who attend these conferences and list all their faults and make fun of them.  I'm really no one out here, certainly not an A-Lister, not even a Z-Lister, but why open myself up to it in the first place? There are some wonderfully talented women (writers and bloggers) attending these conferences that I'd love to learn from, not to mention a few truly awesome friends I've gotten to know that I'd love to meet...but not so much so that I spend the entire time making myself ill because I'm terrified of the things that people are thinking about me.

There's one thing I want to know though...why am I assumed to be a second class citizen because I'm not your idea of perfect?   Why is it the rule of thumb that I must be slovenly, ignorant, uneducated and dumb?  I don't fit your mold of the ideal woman, so it's OK to treat me like something you'd wipe off the bottom of your shoe after walking across a cattle farm?

You know what the most ironic thing out of all of this is?  I'm trying to raise two daughters to not give a shit about what everyone else says they should look like. I'm trying to raise them to have healthy attitudes about their bodies and be confident young women who are intelligent and compassionate humans.  I'm trying to show them that taking care of yourself and being healthy is important, but not to the point where you try to fit someone else's idea of perfection. 

That's really something coming from a mom who just stuck her finger down her throat so she wouldn't gain any weight from eating dinner.

 

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