I'm feeling very ill-equipped to handle everything that's going on right now.
For so long this blog has been not only a place where I share little bits and pieces of our lives with you, but where I connect with you on some level. It's also been a journal of sorts of the past hellacious year...the year that won't end.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I don't seem to be able to find the inner strength to deal with life on a daily basis. I'm back to sleeping more than I'm awake and not dealing with things that need to be dealt with. The Little Imp is in Montesorri more than she's out of it. How's that for an epic failure as a parent? I've gotten to the point (actually, I think I've been there for a while now) where I'm barely able to care for myself, let alone, her. Having her in Montessori so often is taking a huge toll on us financially and we're losing control of that as well. If I were a better person I'd go get a job at McDonald's or a gas station to keep us off the slippery slope that we are rapidly descending. But I can't. I am terrified that what happened last year will happen all over again. If I'm being completely honest, I'm probably not even marketable anymore in a job market that only wants the best, brightest and prettiest.
Now that Megawatt is back on campus and with her, all of her friends that kept our home filled with noise, laughter and commotion, are back on their respective campuses as well, I have no reason to get dressed, put on make-up and try and deal with the outside world. My "cocoon" of sorts has left until the spring. Truthfully her winter break wasn't very pleasant. More than once I bitched at her in front of her friends and made everyone extremely uncomfortable.
The hardest part of all of this is watching those around me not know how to deal with this and what words to say to help. I'm lucky when it comes to having married a man with the patience of a Saint because seriously, this last year has not been easy. I feel like I'm letting everyone down on a monumental scale...even you, my few lovely readers. Maybe you've come to expect more happy shiny posts and assumed all the shit was purged. Nope. It's still there. Just buried underneath a cute toddler with curly hair, Christmas trees, Marmite and curry and my extreme loathing of the Sound of Music.
I'm feeling like so much of what's going on is my fault. And what makes me really angry is that I can't open up about it and spill everything in a way which makes you all understand what this has been like. I don't ever want anyone else to go through what I've gone through. But in opening up about it, I guess I don't trust everyone enough to not hurt me in the same way that I was hurt almost a year ago now, a way which has sent my entire life into a tailspin. I don't trust anyone to not make fun of me the way that I was made fun of almost a year ago. I don't trust anyone enough to be sure I won't be abused the way I was a year ago.
I don't know what kind of person you see when you read this blog. I know the kind of person I'd like you to see, but in reality she doesn't exist. She uses words much the same way she uses food to bury the internal pain so that she doesn't have to deal with it. She coats everything with pretty pictures made up of words and photographs so that you can't see the gaping hole deep inside that's left her bleeding, and aching and longing to just be accepted. I have more pretty posts; sitting in draft folders but it just takes too much effort to make them be more than mere words at this point.
Suffice it to say, I intensely dislike our legal system at this point. I desperately want someone to read this and know what the hell I'm talking about --someone who's been through this and can tell me it gets better. But that won't happen because I have to be archaic and even when it's all said and done, I'll probably be gagged from ever talking about it. And THAT.TRULY.SUCKS! On the flip side, I worry, if I were to open up about what happened that you would see the real woman who sits behind the keyboard, as she truly is, and think she's just as hideous as the creeps who did this to me in the first place, find me.
Maybe I'm the elephant and you all are the dog. Or vice versa. Or perhaps that's being too hopeful.
