The following is a recipe for a beautiful early Sunday morning. I can positively guarantee that you won't need any caffeine at all if you start your Sunday the same way we started ours this morning.
- 1 19 year old female who came home from college for "Family Movie Night" on Saturday night. This was an exceptionally important "Family Movie Night" because this FMN movie was.....Twilight! She crashed at home and was supposed to get up early because she had to be back in time for work at the grocery store in her sleepy little college town.
- 1 Automobile
- 1 POSTED speed limit of 45MPH
- 1 Police officer with a radar gun and thick Maine-ah accent.
- 2 soundly sleeping parents
- 1 Phone call...and this is important folks. The phone must ring at precisely 6:22AM, waking you out of a sound sleep.
***Side note to the above ingredient. The first phone call came at 6:22AM and one of the sleeping parents hadn't made it to the phone in time, but had looked at the caller ID and noticed it said; "Small Town Maine Police Dept." The female parent had a small heart attack knowing that the 19 year old drives through Small Town on her way back to her sleepy college town, after visits home.***
- 2nd Phone call at 6:24AM from Small Town Police Dept.
Answer the phone cautiously whilst the life-giving-blood-pumping heart in your chest almost seizes into cardiac arrest before hearing why the police would be calling. A million scenarios run through your mind with only the worst presenting themselves at the forefront.
Sit down anxiously on the sofa whilst the Officer Small Town introduces himself and then the following conversation takes place:
Officer Small Town: Hello, is this Mrs. Barking Mad?
Mrs. Barking Mad: *croaks out a barely audible* Yes.
Officer Small Town: Mrs. Barking Mad I am sorry to phone you so early. Are you fully awake? Do you own a 2000 Volvo, license plate XXXXX?
Mrs. Barking Mad: *croaks out another barely audible* Yes
Officer Small Town: Mrs. Barking Mad, I have your daughter, Megawatt, pulled over. Now before I tell you why I've pulled her over, I want you to understand that this is very serious.
Mrs. Barking Mad: *breathing a very audible sigh of relief that her daughter is still alive...for the time being anyhow!* Yes, Officer, I think I understand.
Officer Small Town: Mrs. Barking Mad, I pulled Megawatt over for going 22MPH over the posted speed limit and....
Mrs. Barking Mad: WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Are you kidding me? You didn't shoot her on sight? Seriously, you have my permission. Can you hold on for just a moment so that I can take a baby aspirin to prevent the heart attack that I think I'm about to have?
Officer Small Town: Mrs. Barking Mad, I see that the car is registered in your name. I have her pulled over and I'm not going to ticket her. I do see that she has an accident on her record, and being that she's a newly licensed driver a citation like this carries a $280 fine and would mean losing her license for 6 months, in the state of Maine, it's an automatic suspension for someone who has had her license for less than a year.
Now, she tells me she was on her way to work and was going to be late, but I'm going to let her off with a very stern warning, and I imagine, from your initial reaction, a'yup, that she's in far worse hot water than she'd be in with an automatic license suspension, expensive fine and points on her driving record.
I understand you're probably wicked angry right now, and rightly I would be too, but I'd much rather be making this sort of phone call, than a "Death Notification Call." She needs to slow it down so that you never receive one of those phone calls.
***At the immediate mention of "Death Notification Call" I immediately burst into tears and thank the officer. Just hearing those words takes me, instantly, back to a time when I have been the mom who has received that sort of phone call. He then asks me:
Officer Small Town: Mrs. Barking Mad, would you like to speak with your daughter?
Mrs. Barking Mad: No! *choking back tears to make way for initial wave of anger* No, I probably shouldn't speak to her right this minute but can you give her a message for me, it's simple really, one word only...."BLOG"
Officer Small Town: I'm sorry Mrs. Barking Mad, could you repeat that?
Mrs. Barking Mad: Certainly. Just tell her this one word; this one word will make an impact, I'm sure. "BLOG."
Officer Small Town: I'm sorry to have woken you so early Mrs. Barking Mad. I thought this was preferable to you getting a call from your daughter at 6:30AM this morning telling you that she'd just lost her license.
Mrs. Barking Mad: Thanks, I think.
Take all ingredients and shake vigorously. Toss in a few "F" Bombs, some other choice expletives, some righteous indignation, a heaping cup full of anger, three or four idle threats including; "She's never ever driving again!", "She's so dead they are going to have to bury her twice." or, if you happen to have it on hand, "That does it! I'm taking the car away and buying her a bicycle!"
Toss all above ingredients in a huge stock pot and let stew for several hours.
