It's April again.
April and I have a love-hate relationship.
This particular April afternoon as I sit here and gaze out my window at the softly falling raindrops and watch the splashes that hit the glass as they slide down like drops of silver; I'm listening to the Little Imp tell me about the dragon she's drawing and how she wishes she could tickle it; I'm fighting back tears and huge pangs of guilt. I'm also cursing the month of April.
This blogging thing sometimes touches me in ways that I never expected and sometimes in ways that I wish it wouldn't. Today is one of the days that I wish I didn't know it existed, wasn't part of it, and wasn't aware of the outreach it creates.
Today I found out that precious little Madeline Alice Spohr passed away suddenly yesterday, after being hospitalized Monday for breathing problems. The moment I found out, there was a tightness in my throat and an agonizing pain in my chest - an old familiar ache that opened anew and burst into flame.
Like many who are familiar with Maddie's mom's blog, The Sporhs Are Multiplying, I'd occasionally pop over and say hello, often with the Little Imp sitting on my lap, and enjoy reading about what the beautiful Miss Maddie was up to. Her gorgeous blue eyes were intoxicating and her smile was like something out of a fairy tale.
Maddie was born prematurely at 28 weeks and has battled off and on since her birth with various breathing related issues, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. Her mother has been nothing short of amazing in her tireless work with the March of Dimes, trying to bring awareness and education to issues that can lead to premature birth.
Here's where it stings...The Little Imp was born prematurely with severely immature lungs that developed two pneumothoraxes and as a result, we almost lost her on three separate occasions. Yet she fought, and with the help of her teams of physicians and nurses in the NICU, she made it through those bleak and terrifying first few weeks of her life and now you would never know that she had such a rough start. I have this beautiful little girl, who against the odds, survived, thrived and is the light of my life. I held her tight and cried into her golden ringlets when I read about Maddie's passing. I felt so guilty for all the releif I've felt over the years that we haven't had the respiratory problems associated with babies who go through what Imp went through...what Maddie went through until her tragic passing. Part of me felt so guilty for celebrating her life whilst Heather's arms are now empty and her heart broken into a million shattered pieces.
And I'm angry, dear God I'm angry! I don't understand the why you had to take Maddie. I will never understand the needless death of a child and the unending pain it leaves behind. Learning of her death, whilst not my loss, brings back a loss that was mine. Totally mine. I feel that old familiar ache in my heart and in my womb and to the core of my soul. Nearly 19 years later there are still things that can stir this pain into a foaming boil again and that is the knowledge that another mother will now feel this pain and wear this loss like some sort of morbid badge. Forever.
Heather and Mike...thank you so very much for sharing your beautiful Madeline Alice with the rest of us. Know that whilst I don't "know" you, that I care deeply about you and will be holding you up in prayer and thought as you pass through the valley of the shadows.
Dear sweet, beautiful Maddie...There's a wee lad of 2, with golden curls, chocolaty brown eyes and the most darling and endearing smile you've ever seen; floating around up there. When I talked to him a little while ago I told him to show you around and help you get the hang of your beautiful new wings and show you how to avoid bumping into the pearly gates, 'cause I hear St. Peter gets pretty grumpy when the new little ones bang about up there. Thank you, dear sweet Maddie for being a light for so many of us. Your earthly light faded far too soon, but from here I can see your heavenly light shining brightly down on everyone who loves you.
In lieu of flowers, the Sporhs ask that you make a donation to the March of Dimes in memory of Maddie.
