Barking Mad

21...Happy Birthday Joshua

Hi Josh,

I guess, in reality, this day is no different from all the other days I write to you, except that it is.  Today is your 21st birthday, or, it would have been had you still been alive.  That's a pretty momentous occasion in my book.

Happy 21st Birthday Josh!

The universe went out of it's way to make me smile today, on what is traditionally a very difficult day for me.

The first thing I saw this morning when I went outside was this...

...for some reason those goofy daffodil faces make me grin.  This is the first year we've had white petals with orange "faces."  I don't know why I think of them as silly little floral faces with tongues sticking out in mock jest, but I do.   Last year they were yellow.  Who knows, maybe we still have more yellow daff's to bloom yet?  Today was the first day they bloomed wide open too!  How's that for irony?  Normally they don't open up until the second week or so, in May.  I'm glad for the reminder of new life and God's promise to us.

Normally I don't spend so much time walking around the front garden, but this morning I did.  I thought about how you'd probably laugh at me for my total lack of a green thumb and complete aversion to digging around in the soil out of fear of something crawling up my hand, or brushing against a worm.  Well beautiful boy of mine, I'll have you know that those 18 tulips I planted in the fall of '07 are rearing their heads again!   So I'm not a total loss at this gardening thing!  Here's one of my "bloom babies" about to show her beautiful face...not quite yet perhaps but in another day or so!

I think the tulips know I love them best, yet they tease me.  They're lazy and want me to anticipate the blossoming of their velvety pink, purple, and mauve blooms.   They play coy, however, they aren't fooling me...I know they are total show-offs!

As I walked through the garden on the morn of what is such a sad reminder of the life we lost, your life - still in it's own pre-bloom stages- I was constantly reminded of the life around me...the vibrant colourful life. 

The forsythia screams bright yellow shoots at me, despite my yearly efforts to kill it and completely cut it back!

Then there are the demure pretty pink petals from what I think is a hyacinth.  I love to run my fingertips along the petals much the same way I used to run them through your curly blonde ringlets.  So very soft and precious to me.

Even as I walk through the garden and revel in all the vivid new life around me, I mourn the loss of my precious 2 year old with the deep brown eyes and adorable smile.   I mourn the loss of the life you had and the one that you never got to enjoy.  I still find myself playing the "what if" game.  I often daydream about your adventures as a boy and then a young man and wonder what your future would look like had it not been stolen from you.

I still miss you... with every cell of my being I miss you.  I will miss you until the last breath leaves my body.   I still ache in the deepest recesses of my heart.  I will bear that pain and those scars until I close my eyes one final time.   I still weep cold, bitter tears when I think of you lying beneath the hard, dark ground.  I will still cry those tears until my body is stilled forever more.

Yet something this year has changed.  Underneath the hard shell of the pain, anguish and depression of what has been one of the worst years in my life since your death; as I was walking through the garden this morning I was flooded with the sense that as the tulips and daffodils renew themselves every year, so does my spirit and so does God's promise to me that through him my own life is renewed and saved, just as yours was.   Yes, I still cry out in pain when I think of you, dead.  But I know that you, the real you is in a place where there is no pain or anguish, only beauty, love and perpetual renewal.

Your cake is in the oven.  This year it's vanilla bean cake with vanilla frosting with a hint of orange zest, in celebration of those silly little daffodils outside and most of all, in celebration of your life.

I miss you so very much, but I love you so very much more!

 

What They Don't Tell You About Having a New Kitten

Since bringing Geronimo (who has since been referred to as several things, including: Meemo, Nimo, Beggar Butt, Big Mouth, Shredder, Freddy Krueger, Ouch Dammit, and Little Shit just to name a few...), home, there are several things we've discovered about having a kitten around the house that we had either forgotten or never knew in the first place.

This gorgeous kitten, whose deep blue eyes and full-bodied purrs can instantly make you forget that your house looks like a bomb hit it, that you have 12 loads of laundry to wash/fold/sort, bills to pay, or a nervous breakdown to have...

...can also be a rather, um, well errrr, a rather, well, a helpful soul...of sorts.

He loves to play muse when you have writers-block...

That is, until he decides that he doesn't like what you've written and wants editorial control over content!



About that being "helpful" stuff, well sometimes it's more nuisance than help...

Geronimo has also, rather unilaterally, decided he wants a say in the interior design of the house, in particular my knick knacks and ships - which I'm rather fond of!

It's days like this when I think we'd have been better off naming him Godzilla!

Caught in the act!  Right as he was about to swipe that yacht off the shelf, I snapped his picture!  Stinker!

Nom nom nom nom...

Despite the demasted ships, the chewed ankles, the stolen bits of a meal filched by tiny claws off of our dinner plates, pounce and bite attacks in the middle of the night that have left both the hubby and I swearing at the tiny body who sits in between us in bed and purrs in utter content (he's probably really laughing hysterically to himself about waking us up for the millionth time!), and the posts I've had to rewrite because a certain blue-eyed furry someone has stomped all over the keyboard and erased everything I was attempting to say, there is something, some little thing that having a kitten, some aspect of happiness and joy, they don't tell you about, when you bring your new ball of fluff home.

They don't tell you that all the stress just melts away as you cuddle together with this new member of your family...

They don't tell you about how, after you've just spent an hour pouring over photos of the long lost boy-child you buried nearly 19 years ago who would have been 21 in just mere days; as the tears roll down your cheeks and onto the floor, that this tiny little kitten will sense your moment of need and hop into your lap, crawl up onto your shoulder and lean into you as he rubs his cheek against your own...his soft furr against your skin a reminder of the softer, gentler things in life when the harsh realities seem too much to bear.   He offers up silly antics as means of putting a smile on your face and is a constant reminder that all is not lost, despite whatever mess needs to be cleaned up - emotional or physical.

And they certainly never tell you, once you bring this little ball of sunshine into your life, that he'd love nothing more than to curl up with your 3 year old and watch a cartoon about a dog, and be perfectly content to just lay there next to her and let her soak up the happiness and joy that this small creature has brought into your home.

Go Fly a Kite!

We did exactly that, this weekend.  We packed everyone up, got away from the stench of remodeling and decided to enjoy the first genuinely gorgeous spring day with temps nearing 75F. We made our way down to Ft. Williams State Park in Cape Elizabeth and attempted to fly the behemoth of a kite I ordered.

I've never flown a kite before...ever, so this was a fun 'first' for me.  Not nearly as thrilling as it was for the Little Imp though!  She was absolutely bubbling over with enthusiasm and excitement as we drove south and then pulled into one of the parking lots at Ft. Williams...

The hubby putting the butterfly kite together.  It was not as easy as the directions on the box alluded. 

Racing after her daddy in anticipation of the kite setting sail overhead.

I'm not sure what was going through her mind here, but she appears to be stalking the kite!

The hubby lets Imp take over.

Unfortunately the kite's size and the wings worked against it despite near perfect kite flying conditions.  It only got about 20'-30' off the ground and that was it.  Regardless, it was still great fun and we had a blast enjoying the gorgeous day, the ocean and just goofing off!

The Little Imp very nearly ran herself ragged!

When she got tired of all that running, she "allowed" me to take a few pics of her seated.  I can't decide which one I like best.  Perhaps ALL of them!

Alas, it's Monday, once again, and back to the reality of our ripped up kitchen - which is more just a room at this point than a kitchen.  I have no countertops and no sink so basically it's worthless.  It's been a joke; trying to get meals together.  We've stocked up on plastic cutlery and paper plates and plastic cups and bowls because with no sink, counters or kitchen water supply - there goes any ability to clean up after cooking.  I've eaten more cereal over the past 4 days than I have in the last year!  I am counting the days until all the work is completed and my kitchen is my own again!

I have to say though, I'm in love with the colours and how things are finally starting to look the way I envisioned them more than a year ago when the hubby and I decided to update things around the house.  We knew we had an uphill battle because our budget was tiny, but despite not having a lot of money, things are really coming together.   Randy, our contractor, from Freedom Builders (website in the works) has been invaluable plus he's absolutely gone the extra mile when it comes to us asking him to take on other little projects at the last minute.   He's always been cognizant of our tight budget as well, and has made suggestions that have saved us time and money.

Yes m'dears, I do have tons of pictures of the ongoing remodel.  I've taken over 1200 so far, from the very beginning of work last week.  Once everything is complete, I have a huge post in the works that I'll share with you, which include the complete build of our granite counters.  The folks at Blue Rock Stone Center (something is wrong with their website, otherwise I would have linked), have graciously offered to let me chronicle the entire process starting with the template build (which was done Friday), choosing the slab (which comes from Brazil), and then cutting the slab to the template and the entire finishing process.  It might sound a tad boring, but it's not.  It's absolutely fascinating.  Well OK, to me it's very interesting.

I could always throw out a couple of teaser pics, but this post is already long enough doncha think?   Plus, I couldn't close it without reminding you of the awesome chocolate and cash giveaway I'm hosting.  If you haven't entered, what on earth are you waiting for?  You have three ways you can enter...so go on, read about it and enter already!