Earlier this evening I was lollygagging out on Facebook and for some reason my "blurb" (the tiny little section to the left, on your profile where you can write something profound or pathetic about yourself.), caught my attention and I read it over to myself several times...
I started to think about why I always say that I am a wife first, before mother. Always.
Now, try to follow along with me here. I'm not absolutely positive I'm going to word this the right way.
Maybe it goes back to the traditional ways of building a family; you get married, have kids, grow old and sit on your front porch swing, drinking reduced sugar/acid lemonade, and hold hands as you stare together, off into the sunset. So, traditionally speaking, you are a wife first, then a mother. But even if you marry before having kids, something about placing your status as wife over that of mother just seemed a bit off to me.
Looking at that last paragraph, I can see how one might begin to infer that I might be trying to say that I love my children more than my husband. I've seen this debated over and over, especially in the blogosphere and it always tends to inflame tempers and start these huge debates. I don't think that's where I'm going with this.
What I think I'm trying to say is that in today's society it's easy to throw away a spouse that you're no longer fond of, have grown tired of communicating with, or feel that you two have grown apart. It seems easier to cut all marital ties than to stay together and try and reconnect your original bonds. You can change your status as wife any time you want. It's as easy as taking out a loan on a car...well given today's economic climate, probably easier. So, whereas once you were a wife, you are now single. You might not always be a wife, but once you've had children, you will always be a mother.
I have divorced two husbands in my life, yet I've always remained a mother. I will always be a mother. Death, divorce, anger...none of those things change that fact. Regardless of whether you give your child up at birth, walk away from him in a divorce, or write him off after he's sentenced to life in prison, you are still a mother. You can't change that.
Maybe I am saying that I think the status of mother should be elevated over that of wife? Or does that rock the boat a little too much? I can hear the shocked gasps from here; "Oh my God, she places her children above her marriage!" Or, "Well, you can guarantee who rules the roost in that home and it sure as hell isn't her or her husband...it's her kids!" That's not the case in our family, not even close. I think Megawatt could probably tell you that the hubby and I present a united front when it comes to being the people in charge around here and our kids don't tend to question or challenge it.
I am so proud to be the wife of such a wonderful, caring, compassionate and loving husband. Don't let the topic of this post be the cause for you to have any reservations about that. Having said that though, I still wonder whether I am a wife first, or a mother? There seems to be so much more that goes into motherhood than being a wife.
In the end, it's our actions as mothers (and father's too. I'm not trying to downplay the role of fathers with this post.) that determine what kind of adults our children will be. They are the end result of all the years of total and complete happiness, utter frustration, unending joy, painful heartbreak and more love than any of us have words to capture.
As I have read and then re-read this post, prior to publishing, I almost am of the opinion that this question could be as circuitous as the old "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" question. Also, some small part of this entire scenario goes back to the traditional roles of marriage first, and then children. However, fewer and fewer of today's families are the "nuclear families" of the Ward and June Cleaver era. It's no longer frowned upon to put the baby carriage before the wedding ring, and in a lot more cases, there isn't even a partner, be it male or female, there to begin with. Women no longer need to procreate with a physical partner. Although, let's not go down that road as it tends to be filled with the potholes and frost heaves of heated debate and ethical argument.
Does any of this make sense? I'd really love to know how you think of yourself...for the mother's reading this (OK and you father's too, as I suppose it applies equally), are you a wife first, or does your motherhood take precedence over your role as a wife?
If you are married with kids, how do you describe yourself in the "blurbs" of your life?
