A Note From One of the Feline Inmates Here at the Asylum

Dear Humans,

We might look cute and cuddly, soft and snuggly, but alas, we are highly effective and lethal killers capable of sending you mere walking bags of bald flesh running for your plastic surgeons.  Don't be fooled by the pretty exteriors.

A great injustice has been committed against us, the proud, regal inmates (and when I use that word, I mean it.  We are indeed inmates, locked in this plasterboard and timber box.  All the humans need now is to dress us in striped pajamas.), against myself in particular.  If they are willing to do this to me, what stands in the way of them dressing us like circus clowns and parading us for all the other fleshlings to gawk at?

The vet told my human mistress that I weighed too much for only being 7 months old.  I heartily contest this.  I am not fat!  I am merely fluffy!

Despite my protestations, the evildoer called "the vet" told my mistress to put me on a strict diet and to...WALK ME.

Yes, I hang my head in shame as I show you these pictures.  But I do so in the name of justice for felines everywhere!

I will not take this!

I will not take this standing...INDEED!

I will lower myself to that of the dog and roll in the dirt so that when my mistress takes me back inside I might jump upon her white suede sofa and rub myself all over it.

It was only after my mistress screamed and cried to her male partner, the one who speaks in a voice similar to the human who calls himself 007, about how filthy I was getting that he took pity on me and carried me, the way I should always be transported, back into the asylum.

Nay!  I will not be tethered again to that blue nylon hell-device.  I shall vomit upon it.  I will vomit in the path to the bathroom so that when you step into it on the way into the bathroom in the middle of the night you might feel my wrath.

Humans, heed my warning.  You shall be made to regret this most terrible trauma you have foisted upon me.

Expect it when you least expect it.

Geronimo

Comments

[Kelly]

Well, we all know that cats really rule and only allow us humans to live to serve them... at least that's my kitty's take on the situation.
Uh-oh. What are the humans going to do if the feline refuses to be walked???

[Mommily]

Geronimo:
Grammie here. I send you greetings from the Left Coast. Please take this in the spirit in which it was meant; you know your Grammie loves you dearly, but, honey, that's the biggest butt I've seen on a cat your age in a looooonnnnnggggg time.
I'd send you some of my Unjury, but as I'm bafck on program and pushing for those last few pounds, yer on yer own, mate.

[pixie]

awwwwww he is way too cute to have evil thoughts like thaT!!!!!!

[Vic]

Geronimo
I understand the problem with your fluffiness. I can't beleive your vet didn't understand how much hair weighs. However, if you don't go on walks (and it is a cruel injustice to be walked on a leash) Auds may decide that your food rations be reduced. And you wouldn't want that. Would you?

[Rebecca]

Geronimo,
Max here (weighing in at a light, fluffy, 23 lbs) sends his sympathies that your humans also thought a leash was a good idea - someday they will all learn.
In (not)fat kitty-brotherhood,
Max

[deb@birdonawire]

Having spat coffee all over my computer screen this morning (again) (Thanks Auds) Dear Geronimo,
Bubba! You are indeed the ummmm, how to put this politely, fattest cat, next to my own dear LB(lard butt)kittie I have ever seen. LB has an excuse, almost, in that hes over 6 years old now and has been deflowered,and held captive in this tiny condo for some time now. However, you should take the heed of your dear vet and hit the walking trail or at least let my friend, your primate Audrey walk you. Apparently, you, young man are far too accustomed to napping as opposed to chasing flies, birds, squirrels or other rodents. I love you man, but come on..stop the insanity or I fear your rations may be cut!

PS//Audrey you're a gem!

[Linda]

Pipurr weighing in here (29lbs) Max is right. I refused the nylon hell device and now have to suffer the injustice of the food ration. My keeper actually doles out my daily "recommended" intake into a special container and when it's gone, it's gone! I'm SO hungry! I sit next to my empty dish and scream for more but they ignore me! If you don't hear from me agin you will know I died a slow and painful death. Keep the faith, Geronimo. Yours in Fluffiness, Pipurr (aka Fat Cat)

[Ramona]

Poor Geronimo - Even fluffy, your beautiful. Love U.
Ramona

[noe noe girl]

Poor baby!
<><

[lceel]

Somebody, somebody PLEASE cut off my fingers so I don't type "Damn. That's One Big Pussy!" here, because if I do, I just KNOW I'm gonna be in trouble.

[Audrey]

ROTFLMAO!

OMG, you owe me a keyboard and possibly a wireless mouse.

Audrey

On Tue, Sep 8, 2009 at 2:31 PM, wrote:

[kaylen]

Poor kitty!!
My cats have both spurned the blue harness as well - they don't do the rolling in the dirt trick. They do the "our legs are broken" trick and will refuse to move at all. Ever. Until we take the harness/leash off of them, at which point their legs are instantly healed and they can walk again!

And seriously---that's a BIG cat for under a year!!!

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

I cannot let my cats read this post; they leave enough vomit around without getting any encouragement.
Too funny. You got you some big cats.
But they are fluffy and such cuties. It's not like you want them to model or anything...
We had a cat years ago we used to walk on a leash. She liked it, but it took her a while to get used to it. Good Luck!

[G]

Iceel - that's nowhere near the worst double entendre about cats.

Don't get Auds started on what Brits do with their felines.

[Karen]

Don't take this the wrong way, Geronimo, but when I saw that picture of you walking away I couldn't help but think what a big bottom you have. Maybe a walk or two will be good for you...

[Marlene]

What they all said. Yeah. Big butt kitty. Cute, though. Very cute.

[deb@birdonawire]

Geronimo, buddy, this is LB. My primate told me she left a note for you today and mentioned my, ahem, weighty condition. All I can tell ya man, is stand your ground. Leashes are for those things called dogs..after all they're not the brightest of creatures and they need the primates to walk with them. We, of the feline persuasion, however do not need said leash, rope or string except for entertainment purposes.
Stand firm, ole boy, don't be fooled into thinking that leash is anything but a toy.
Your friend,
LB

[Mental P Mama]

lol. They are planning something quite dastardly--they even called my cat in for reinforcements;)

[Jayne]

Dear Geronimo,

My maid, Jayne is typing this as I dictate. I too was a little fluffy until the maid started taking me for walks at night so I could hide my shame. I don't do the leash thing but do have a collar that flashes to alert oncoming drivers. I now weigh in 2lbs lighter -- enough for the nasty vet to get of my back about my extra fluff.

I also love playing with a Fling-ama-string and recommend your maid gets one for you too. It has to be supervised play otherwise that nasty stuff could get caught up in your guts.
http://www.moodypet.com/NewPages/fling.html

Or check the video here:
http://www.moodypet.com/string_video/

Lots of love, Miss Haze

[Suzy Voices]

Dear Geronimo,

Do you like dogs? Because I am a dog, and I LOVE to walk! Come walk with me and I'll make you less fluffy in no time.And I promise I won't eat you. No really. I like cats.

Sincerely,
Kaia the Shiba Inu

[the mama bird diaries]

He is so cute!! On the leash. Too funny