Photo by me
"Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..
And I'm feeling good....
There are so many things that I have been wanting to post about but so far they remain as half-written posts in a burgeoning draft folder that more resembles a bird cage, packed with hundreds of brightly colored birds - some a little darker than others whilst some so bright that they are almost blinding. Vivid violet parakeets and navy blue nightingales all beating their wings at the bars of the cage with nary a single space left between them. That's a little how it feels to be in my head right now too.
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the trees
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me...
And I'm feeling good....
So much going on and I can't slow it all down long enough to sort it out and just let it flow into cohesive words that form sentences and paragraphs.
The thing is, I feel like I'm starting to see shreds of light at the end of the tunnel. It's far into the distance but it is there. I have to squint to see it sometimes, but it's there dammit! I feel it deep inside my soul. For the first time in a long time, I feel it. Despite other people in my line of sight trying to blot it out, I see it. Despite nagging fears and feelings of self-loathing, I see it. I am fighting hard to not let go of it.
You know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all out having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace
When, the this day is done
And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world
For me...
On that note, can I ask a favor of you?
Please be patient with me whilst I begin the process of sorting out all of this and start dealing with..., well - me. My posts might be dense with substance and emotion or light and airy - sort of like my brain sometimes. The point is, I'm just beginning to feel again and it's an overwhelming process. But to begin the hard work of healing, I must feel these things. I have to allow myself to feel them. Some of them aren't pretty and are from the foul bowel of the hell I've been living in.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. If I want to survive, and please believe me when I say I do, if I want to spend the next years living that dream I had, rather than spending it wondering how long until I actually sit in that icy cold bathtub full of water and do what I very nearly did last year, or continue to stick my finger down my throat until my heart and my body simply can not keep pace with the destruction, then this hard work of putting myself back together, must be done.
This "feeling good" thing is very new to me. Some days it's not there, but some it is and I am just barely in the embryonic stages of it. I still have to give myself permission to feel good, to feel positive and to feel this fleeting sense of hope; hope that I will survive and come out of this - whole, and well and healthy.
Even on the days recently when I haven't been completely "feelin' it" there is still that glimmering strand of light that I see in the distance. I just have to keep reaching it and believing that I deserve my place in the light.
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
yeah, freedom is my lie
When you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..."
This is my anthem!
