For too long now I have been complacent; I've sat back and let things go. I argued that I didn't want to make waves or rock the boat. At one point I even thought that someone else might take a stand and demand some answers.
Well, the questions still remain unanswered and people, the situation is dire! It isn't just time to rock the boat, it's time to blow the damn thing up!
As I began to raise my voice and start asking some vital questions, I knew I'd need a partner. I knew someone else must take a stand with me, someone who has asked the tough questions before and who wasn't afraid to get ugly and be confrontational in the name of our nation's most valuable assets...our children.
Parents of America, it's time we demanded to know where the hell are Max and Ruby's parents and...
...where is Caillou's hair?
So I sat down and wrote a passionate plea for help to...
I know your time is valuable so I will get right to the point.
In the past you've not had a great deal of success solving certain mysteries, not that I'm rubbing your nose in it or anything, but I thought that perhaps this sort of "mystery" might be right up your alley. I know that you have the balls to confront the powers that be in the worlds of Max and Ruby and Caillou and demand some answers. After all, you got in Bill O'Reilly's face, so how much harder can this be?
Maybe you'll finally get some of the journalistic acclaim you've been seeking, if you put your news-hound nose to work, and help me uncover the bold truths about these parentless bunnies and the bald 4 year old...even if it is only kindergartners lauding you with that acclaim. Hey, you have to start somewhere!
I believe that you alone sir, possess the chutzpah to attack the meaty truth behind the scenes of these wayward bunnies before something goes horribly wrong - like Ruby having to resort to selling black market coloring books to support the verbally challenged Max. Ruby may even go down a far more desperate road and start selling her brother's feet for money. Rabbit's feet charms still fetch something on the open market!
I wouldn't be surprised if the stress of having such an overbearing, domineering older sister like Ruby, leads Max to never gain full range of his verbal abilities and he ends up becoming a white-trash Rabbit, chain-smoking, living in a single wide trailer, covered in tattoos and doing what bunnies with no direction in life do...screwing like bunnies. How many offspring of his will become a burden to society because no one bothered to step in and demand some answers when he was still young and able to be saved? A bunny on the dole is a terrible thing!
Worse yet, if we don't discover the real truth behind Caillou's lack of hair, he may resort to joining the Hair Club for Men...no good can come from that! Caillou is 4 years old, but has not got a single strand of hair on his lollypop-shaped head. His little sister Rosie has hair in abundance. Might he be suffering from alopecia and the folks at PBS aren't quite sure how to address it? I don't know but I suspect there's something much more sinister at play. Geraldo, I know you can get to the crux of the matter, and soon, before things in poor whiny Caillou's life go terribly pear-shaped and he joins a violent gang of other wayward bald kids and begins to terrorize small Canadian fishing villages.
Please, won't you help?
Yours in Anarchy,
How hard can it be to hook a brother up with some hair? If I can do it, so can you!
