Barking Mad

Relocating an Asylum is a lot of Work!

Our quick trip to upstate NY this past weekend netted faster results than we thought possible.  We were able to find a place to rent and settle on a move-in date, which is good seeing as how Gareth started his new job....TODAY!  When is the move in date you ask?  Pardon me whilst I cackle uncontrollably and then sit in the corner, and rock back and forth while licking my Valium necklace.

We move in on the 12th of December.  Let the insanity begin!

I'd be remiss if I didn't say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who sent texts of encouragement, called us,  and thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes for our trip to NY.   We were worried we wouldn't find a place on such short notice and just the overwhelming nature of this sort of change, happening so fast...well we were really afraid that things wouldn't work out.  But for once, I let that tiny silver strand of faith, that same strand that's been pulling me along lately - well I fell back on that string and let it once again, pull me along.  It wasn't all roses, puppy dogs and lollipops though.  Friday night at the hotel Gaby had a slight meltdown around 12:30AM (so I guess that makes it, technically, Saturday morning) saying that she wanted to go home because this place didn't smell like home and she missed her kitties. 

I crawled into her bed with her, drew the covers over both of us and pulled her tight into an embrace.  Her meltdown and the tiny teardrops that ran down her cheeks in that dark, distant hotel room mingled with salty bitter tears of my own.   I did the "silent cry" that moms the world over and for eons, have perfected.  Eventually her snuffles quieted and her tears dried and she fell asleep.  I piled some pillows around her and then climbed back into my own bed and snuggled next to Gareth and drifted into a fitful sleep with dreams where question marks chased me down dark corners and blankets of thick fog billowed around my ankles. 

I woke Saturday morning to a full on anxiety attack and made Gareth, Gaby and Matt go and get breakfast while I tried to pull myself together.  For the first time in years, probably more than 20 years, I got down on my knees and through the hysterical hyperventilating I begged God and whatever Powers That Be to grant me the presence of mind to reign myself back in, get it under control and be there, fully, for my family.   I eventually hauled myself back up and managed to send out a message to close friends and family that I could really use the prayer and then got myself into the shower.

I don't know what it is about a good, long hot shower that's somehow so restorative, but I felt so much better once I got out of the shower.  I felt like not only had I cleansed my body, but my soul as well.  OK, and I managed to wash off all the tear-smudged make-up that I'd forgotten to remove the night before which was making a rapid descent down the sides of my face, which I'm sure, added to my very frightening appearance.  By the time Gareth and the kids came back from breakfast I was completely calm and I daresay, peaceful too.

In reality, I had no reason to be calm or peaceful.  I hadn't had a great deal of success finding places to rent and we only had three to look at.  I know that our timing sucked because it was a holiday weekend but for us anyhow, time was of the essence.  Early Friday morning, two of the scheduled homes we were supposed to view canceled and asked us to come back the following weekend.  We tentatively rescheduled and then made our way to NY anyhow with the one home that we reconfirmed for 2PM Saturday, and two possible others that were pretty much drive-bys. 

For some reason, when we initially drove by the 2PM house, I wanted to turn around and go home. I wasn't sure I could cope with meeting a potential landlord and having to explain any possible "issues" that might come up with our home here in Maine.  We have absolutely sterling rental refs and I wasn't concerned about that as much as I was what we'd say if he asked about what we were going to do with this house.  I was also worried about being judged because lets face it...fat people are judged a lot more harshly than the beautiful people.

It turned out my fears were absolutely needless.  The moment the homeowner opened the door and embraced my extended hand, a feeling of absolute warmth enveloped my whole body.   He really was very nice and whilst he and his son were repainting much of the home and making a few small repairs here and there, he talked to us at length about the home, the area and the lake that the house is adjacent to.

Despite the severe lack of storage and the home being almost 800sq. ft. smaller than our current home, we were hooked.   The homeowner was even amenable to our bushel of cats!

So m'dears, it does indeed appear that the asylum has found itself a new home for the next however long it's meant to be our home.  While I absolutely dread the thought of packing all this crap up and the process of moving, I am looking forward to settling in and having a most joyful and jubilant Christmas celebration, followed the next day by a very exciting 4th birthday for a certain little girl who just happened to be born the day after Christmas, otherwise known as Boxing Day for all of our fellow members of the Queen's Commonwealth.

Here are a few pics of the new place.  Oh and for all you creepy, internet stalkers - the rental insurance consists of a Glock and a SIG Sauer and there's also a highly trained, lethal, attack cat on the premises at all times.  Just sayin...

click to enlarge images

Right side of the house.  Exciting, no?

 

Look!  A portable dock!  I've never seen one of these but Gareth is already talking about getting some sort of contraption for the body of water across the street from the house.  That's a rather frightening thought.

 

Now we move into the inside of the house.
 From the side entrance you walk into the mudroom where there is some lovely blue tiles that I hope we don't smash.

  

Pardon the mess as we continue our little tour.  Like I said earlier, painting and all...

From the mud room you can go a few places.  Into Matt's room, through the downstairs loo and into Gaby's bedroom, or down a long L-shaped hallway and into Gaby's bedroom through the other door, or out into the living area.

 
This is the view to the south east, over the lake, from our dining area.  The downstairs eating and living area is one huge space that seems pretty massive.

  

Kitchen

 

Matt and Gaby goofing off up in the loft which overlooks the living areas downstairs...

 

Looking down from the loft.  You can only see about 1/3 of the living area from this view...

 

The master-suite is kind of oddly shaped.  It's U-shaped with the loo right in the middle.

 

Through the master-suite you can access the loft...Matt was horsing around up there when I took this shot...

 

And that concludes the tour of the new Barking Mad Asylum.

Oh, wait a minute, I found another photo!  Here's the view from our driveway!

 

Looking back, it's odd how everything worked out the way it did.  All of our worries were basically unfounded and both Gareth and I felt at ease with our decision to go ahead and rent this house and do what we can to make it our home...for however long it's meant to be.

Gareth has a strong feeling that in the long run we'll be back here in Maine at some point.  No matter where we put our heads down at night, Maine will always be the place we call our heart's home.  There's just something about this place, despite how hard it can be to survive here full-time, that draws us close to it and beckons us to it's shores.  It has since I was a little girl. 

Slowly I'm coming to terms with leaving for however long I have to.  I'm not going to promise that there won't be the occasional weepy, homesick post where I do little but whine and complain about missing Maine.   But I have a feeling that upstate NY will be good for us.  I think the change is what I need right now in order to continue to heal my body, mind and soul from the past two years.   I'm going to do everything I can to embrace our new life and all the adventures that await us.  After all, this is me you're talking about...adventures are bound to loom around every corner!

**************

 

Tomorrow I'm kicking off the Barking Mad's Crazy Christmas $300 Target Giftcard Giveaway!  It's going to run from December 1st to December 14th.  I'll overnight the gift card to whomever wins it so that you have it in time for Santa's Big Day! 

Mr. Linky will be involved so get ready to tell us about what makes you joyful and share your favorite Christmas traditions as well!  Or something similar anyhow!  Oh and for this one, you absolutely MUST have a blog in order to enter.  No exceptions! 

See ya tomorrow!

 

Joy...Unexpected and Unexplained

 
image courtesy of art.com

For the first time in nearly two years I can say, with complete and unabashed honesty that what I am experiencing right now is a sense of almost overwhelming joy.

If I were being brutally honest, I don't think I've experienced this kind of pure, unadulterated joy since we found out that Gaby was out of woods and would live, after a very scary entrance into the world.   So I guess it's been longer than two years.

Since January of 2006, when we knew we'd bring home a healthy, whole, and very happy baby girl, our lives have been a whirlwind of almost constant motion, change, crisis, more change, stress, yet more change and then trauma of an unspeakable and foul nature.   It seems like we hardly get a chance to sit down, gather our thoughts and center ourselves before the next thing comes at us.  Some of it I have chronicled here at Barking Mad, whilst other things are contained within the walls of our family and not meant to be shared with the world at large.  

Through the tumult of the past two years especially, our little family has clung fast to one another and rode the waves of all of the stress, trials and tribulations.  We cling to one another much the same way a person tossed overboard at sea would cling to a life raft.   We'll continue to hold tight to one another as we navigate the waters of yet another change...a happy change for once!

Regardless of what I've shared or omitted out here, those of you who I've grown close to via this funny little community called the Blogosphere, remain steadfast in our corner, offering us support, compassion, encouragement and unfailing friendship.  You've reminded us to have faith - be it in God, a higher power or the Universe itself, and most importantly to have faith in ourselves that we can persevere though anything!  Miraculously, I have held fast to your words and tried to see past the self-loathing, hatred and depression and the quagmire of mud I've been trudging through and have dragged my family into.   You've all been standing around the corners of this abyss, reaching out to us, via friendship, phone calls, emails, texts, and embraces in person, to reassure us that we will get through this all. 

I have always said that I wanted to be a survivor.  I don't ever think I realized how badly I wanted it until I had the dream in which Josh spoke to me.  Then when the other shoe dropped and Gareth lost his job I had been at the point where I knew I wasn't done with all the struggles and that we had some hard choices ahead of us, but we'd get through it, start over if need be and come out the other side.  The loss of his job was devastating - like being punched in the gut.  Despite how awful it was, something pulled me along and assured me things would be OK.  Don't get me wrong, I had visions of us living out of our car or having to go back to southern California and crash at my little sister's place until the economy regained it's footing and we regained ours.  However, I didn't let those feelings overwhelm me or control how I responded to the situation.  What good would it have done?  It would have done my husband, who was absolutely reeling from the shock of being unemployed for the first time ever, absolutely no good, and it would have set the worse example for my children.

But there was something, like a tiny silver strand of silk, pulling me along, helping me stand up straight and control how I reacted rather than in a typically destructive and emotionally out-of-control way.  I started to grasp the small seeds of faith that had been buried deep inside me - seeds of faith that ultimately I was in control of how I handled this, not the other way around and I could either slip back into the depths of despair, or get my act together and help my family get through this.  I also had to do something I haven't done in ages...well, probably since I lost Joshua.  Place my faith back in God and trust that he'd take care of us.  I've been so angry with him for so very long.  I've been angry at him, and it's been a misplaced anger.  I got even angrier when The Very Bad Thing happened and honestly, it wasn't Him I should have been angry with.  I know that now.  Like any relationship that's been damaged, it's going to take me time to make things right with Him again.  I do know that ultimately it's been Him that has carried my family through this and He who has held tight to me as I walked a tight-rope between trying to decide whether I wanted to live or die.

My relationship with God has not been an easy one.  At times I've wanted a divorce.  Something tells me that God doesn't do divorce and he leaves us with our free will to do as we please.  At times I still waiver and am not completely sure that it's God that is responsible for this joy in my heart and faith that I will be a survivor.  But the undeniable fact is that I am filled with a rather unexpected sense of joy and hope for myself that I've not felt in a very long time and whether it's God finally figuring out that I've been dealt a bad enough hand for a while, or just the fates aligning, I am grateful for this feeling.  

I know we still have some tough times ahead.  Oh believe me, we have a lot of hard decisions that have to be made...especially those that have to do with our home here in Maine, now that we're relocating to upstate NY.  However, I no longer feel like those decisions and whatever the outcome is (and they're probably going to be pretty nasty), will be more than I can handle. I've come a long way and I don't want to lose this feeling that's blossomed inside me.  I'll use this new found joy to help carry me through whatever might come my way, leaving Maine and starting a new life in NY and dealing with the changes that are bound to come along with it.  Change doesn't have to always be bad.  I know that now. 

So, once more I come to you, my friends and readers, and ask for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers as we head to upstate NY in just a few hours to look around the area we'll be living in and try and find a place to rent.  I'm excited and nervous and hoping that the knocks we've taken financially over the past two years won't be too big a hindrance in securing a place to live.  Gareth starts his new job on Monday...as in THIS COMING MONDAY.  We head back here to Maine late Saturday night and then he turns around and goes back Sunday afternoon and won't be back until late Friday night.  I'm either going to need an extra dose of prayers to help Matt and I get through all the packing that we have to do, or a hell of a lot more Xanax!  We're hoping to be over there and in the process of getting settled, by Christmas. 

I'll be back with a new post either late Sunday night or Monday! Be sure and come back because Monday, for absolute certain, I will be kicking off the Crazy Christmas $300 Target Gift Card Giftaway! More than anything I want to share some of this joy!  What's the good of being this completely happy if I can't share it? 

 

It is the Happiest of Thanksgivings!

 
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

~ Albert Schweitzer~

We have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving...

Our four beautiful children, Matt, Meg, Zack and Gaby.

Our oldest daughter Meg who proudly serves her country. ***Edited at 1:35PM EST Thanksgiving...Meg called home!  I got to talk to her for 40 (forty!!) whole minutes!  BLISS!  I am so grateful!  Remind me to tell you all about the "M-16". ***

Our families who support and love us through thick and thin regardless of what coast or country they are in.

Our wealth of friends, including you all, who have reached out and supported us, encouraged us, prodded us on, and loved us through the last two years and most especially this last uncertain four weeks.  We are so richly blessed by your presence in our lives and grateful for your extension of friendship and compassion.

And we are certainly grateful for the offer of employment that was extended to Gareth which he accepted yesterday!

We wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving! 

 

I Can't Breathe!

 

I was NOT going to post about this on the blog until we knew one way or another.  And I'm not going to post all the details because, well just because I'm not. I do feel like I'm walking around on pins and needles though and I can scarcely take a breath in.  I'm not exactly sure if I'm having a cardiac event or a massive anxiety attack.

Long story short, Gareth traveled to a job interview over the weekend and just phoned me, after having spent the entire morning and most of the early afternoon meeting with several people and he LOVES it!  Another big bonus of this potential position is that there seems to be a huge Ex-Pat community there (for those that don't know what that means, it's just a fancy way of saying there are a lot of Brits there and in the surrounding community...people who won't constantly ask him whether he's from Australia and who will know what the hell he's talking about when he says shedjoole and calls someone gobshite or a wanker!), which is great for Gareth. 

Don't even ask me, if they make him an offer, when they want him to start because I don't happen to have a defibrillator nearby and I'm seriously needing one right about now. 

This Friday will mark four weeks since Gareth was laid off. This will have been his 4th interview.  The others went well but no one is in a position to offer a job right now, especially in his industry.  We know that this is a relatively short amount of time to be unemployed compared with national averages, and we're aware that millions of others have been waiting months and months for a job to come around.  It makes me feel guilty to even talk about it because I don't want to come across as boastful or vain and I know that others out there are struggling with unemployment and depression and are in a very scary place.  We're rapidly approaching that place.  Gareth's unemployment benefits haven't even started yet because there is a massive backlog in Maine and he still has to go through a phone interview with a case-worker there to sort out some things and that won't happen until the second week in December.  Until then he won't get a dime of unemployment.  Although they already determined he's eligible, they have to figure out when exactly those benefit weeks will start because of the pittance of a severance he received. 

We have realistically been preparing ourselves for the worst, knowing we'll get through it, but just mentally getting ready for that wave of crap to wash over us.  I'm really trying NOT to get my hopes up.  I am.  I swear I am.  Whatever happens, in the end we'll be OK.   I just want this so badly for Gareth.   He sounded so upbeat and positive and I've noticed lately that he's been pretty frustrated and I think the reality has been hitting him pretty hard.  He's never been unemployed before and this has been a huge blow to his self-esteem, professionally and personally.  Even though it was a lay-off for purely financial reasons and wasn't because of anything he did, it still hurts. 

It's now been several hours since I originally started this post.   My sister Amanda called and when the two of us get on the phone it's never a short "Hello, how are you and the kids, OK great, talk to ya soon!" sort of thing.  She talked me down off of my ledge and reminded me that no matter what happens, we'll be OK.   Gaby can't figure out why I feel as if I'm walking around on pins and needles and all she wants is for her daddy to hurry and come home because, "Mumma, you better at playing tea party but not so good at Legos!" so at least one of us in the house has our priorities straight.  And honestly?  Gaby is right.  I'm crap at Legos!  I have no eye-hand coordination and she and her daddy build these amazing structures and lots of other things that I couldn't even begin to comprehend trying to how to put together! 

Oh and by the way...Meg got to make her first call home last night!!! Gareth was so sad to have missed it!  I can not even begin to tell you how wonderful it was hearing her voice.  There were lots of tears to begin with and then Gaby grabbed the phone and there were even more tears!  However, she sounds good though.  She's hating it a little less and still trying to figure out what the hell she's doing but she's OK.  It was such a short call and we tried to fit in so many words into ten minutes! Mine overlapped hers and hers overlapped mine in between the sniffles and nose-blowing and laughter.  Words...words of love and pride and joy!  So many words crossing vast miles and a time zone.  It was just so lovely to hear those words coming from Meg's mouth.  I'm so very proud of her.  I know this is the hardest thing she has ever done and at times she really hates it, but she's pushing through it and will come out on top!  As proud of her as I am, I love her so much more.   Her phone call was an amazing gift and I'm still sitting here replaying it in my head. 

I guess this has pretty much been a huge waterfall of verbal vomit huh?  It's the nerves.  It makes me rambly and sound like I have ADD.  Just ask my sister.  She just spent and hour listening to me say things like, "Oh he sounded REALLY positive and he talked to so many people and he said something about, oh wow, look at those damned lady bugs..."  So if this post doesn't make much sense, don't feel bad because I think Amanda's head is still spinning!  

 

Bliss

 
His name is "Little Bliss"...I didn't have anything on my own hard drive that epitomized "bliss" so I stole him from these guys... he is kinda cute! 

***

I know that I totally suck lately as a blogger.  I keep saying I'm going to write more and I mean to, because there is SO MUCH I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT!  And I still want to shake things up and "go there"...but I get so distracted by everything else going on that I don't know where to begin.  Then today something wonderful happened...

I FINALLY got a letter from Meaghan!  It was wonderful and heartbreaking and thrilling and frustrating and awe-inspiring all that the same time.  I miss her so much...but I love her so much more and I am so very proud of my beautiful daughter.  This one letter means the world to me! I knew she was OK but it's been the longest I've gone without talking to Meaghan since she came to live with us more than two years ago.  Even when she was in college we would text, phone or send messages via email and Facebook.  So hearing absolutely nothing has been hard, to say the least!

She's tired.  She's worn down, empty, feeling defeated and exhausted, but she's pushing on.  She knows the first 4-5 weeks the TI's intentionally rip the kids down and then they spend the last 4 weeks building them back up so that they are on top of the world and feeling better about themselves than ever!

Meaghan said that one of the things she's having the most trouble with is trying to keep from laughing in the TI's face when they get up in her face and start yelling at her.  To be honest I'm really surprised she hasn't already!   She went on to say that she loves the physical aspect of it and how challenging it is (oh how I wish I had some of that stamina and willpower!) but she's getting tired of all the other girls in her flight, there are 47 of them, bitching and complaining, moaning and groaning about everything.  She says when they sit there and cry and complain through the drills that she just pushes on and screams.  That's my girl!

I'll try to scan the letter in a little later as she told me I could share it with you guys if I wanted to. That is, if I can figure out why the scanner isn't communicating with the computer. It's never done this before and I'm at a total loss as to why it's just started doing it this week.  There have been some other documents I've needed to scan in and it just won't work!  Grrrrrr.

However, it will be the ONLY one I'm going to share publicly (by sharing the actual letter itself, via scanning in and displaying on the blog), regardless of whether she gives me permission to share any more or not.   I'll keep everyone up to date on what's going on, but very selfishly I want to keep the rest of this story - her story, to myself and my family. 

There is so much other stuff...potentially GOOD stuff going on right now and I want so badly to share it with you guys, but we've decided to keep a couple of things very close to the vest.  Ya'll know what a big mouth I have, so you know that this is really hard for me.  I also know that none of this may transpire and even if it doesn't, we'll be OK.  I know we may have to muck through more mud and slime, but we'll do it together, as a family...the way it should be.

Finally, thanks for putting up with me and keeping me strong, and helping me stand upright when all I want to do sometimes is fall over and not get back up again.  I've been such a total flake lately and I'm so consistently inconsistent that it's a miracle anyone reads this drivel at all any more.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again - even though it's been uttered previously, it hasn't lost any of the heartfelt sentiment I say it with...

Our little family that inhabits the walls of this virtual asylum doesn't have a lot right now, but what we have in the way of friends and those who surround us with love, prayers and friendship makes us wealthy beyond measure.   We are so very blessed and for that, I am eternally grateful...grateful for each and everyone of you who have reached out in one way or another to us.  Perhaps you will never know how much it means to us and how much it matters.  Thank you.

Now that I've said all that, I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor and go up and click the button that says Praying For Anissa on my upper left sidebar.  I don't know how many of you are aware, but this incredible woman, Anissa Mayhew, suffered a stroke on Tuesday afternoon.  She is incredible and totally full of awesomesauce...so much so that I can't really touch on how great she is without writing a book.  She's touched so many lives with her candid chronicle of living with a child with cancer...a child, Peyton, who has now been happily been cancer-free for an entire year!  She's witty and brilliant and just a really wonderful woman.  You might know her from her former blog, Hope4Peyton, or her other merry troupe of colorful bloggers, Aiming Low.  Or you just might have heard about her via the Twittersphere.  Either way, could you take a second to click that button and go offer a couple of words of encouragement, support, or prayer to her family?  And if you feel led to, I know they could use a donation right now, either in the form of a gift card, or via paypal.  Information on how to do that is available via the site that button links to.