image courtesy of art.com
For the first time in nearly two years I can say, with complete and unabashed honesty that what I am experiencing right now is a sense of almost overwhelming joy.
If I were being brutally honest, I don't think I've experienced this kind of pure, unadulterated joy since we found out that Gaby was out of woods and would live, after a very scary entrance into the world. So I guess it's been longer than two years.
Since January of 2006, when we knew we'd bring home a healthy, whole, and very happy baby girl, our lives have been a whirlwind of almost constant motion, change, crisis, more change, stress, yet more change and then trauma of an unspeakable and foul nature. It seems like we hardly get a chance to sit down, gather our thoughts and center ourselves before the next thing comes at us. Some of it I have chronicled here at Barking Mad, whilst other things are contained within the walls of our family and not meant to be shared with the world at large.
Through the tumult of the past two years especially, our little family has clung fast to one another and rode the waves of all of the stress, trials and tribulations. We cling to one another much the same way a person tossed overboard at sea would cling to a life raft. We'll continue to hold tight to one another as we navigate the waters of yet another change...a happy change for once!
Regardless of what I've shared or omitted out here, those of you who I've grown close to via this funny little community called the Blogosphere, remain steadfast in our corner, offering us support, compassion, encouragement and unfailing friendship. You've reminded us to have faith - be it in God, a higher power or the Universe itself, and most importantly to have faith in ourselves that we can persevere though anything! Miraculously, I have held fast to your words and tried to see past the self-loathing, hatred and depression and the quagmire of mud I've been trudging through and have dragged my family into. You've all been standing around the corners of this abyss, reaching out to us, via friendship, phone calls, emails, texts, and embraces in person, to reassure us that we will get through this all.
I have always said that I wanted to be a survivor. I don't ever think I realized how badly I wanted it until I had the dream in which Josh spoke to me. Then when the other shoe dropped and Gareth lost his job I had been at the point where I knew I wasn't done with all the struggles and that we had some hard choices ahead of us, but we'd get through it, start over if need be and come out the other side. The loss of his job was devastating - like being punched in the gut. Despite how awful it was, something pulled me along and assured me things would be OK. Don't get me wrong, I had visions of us living out of our car or having to go back to southern California and crash at my little sister's place until the economy regained it's footing and we regained ours. However, I didn't let those feelings overwhelm me or control how I responded to the situation. What good would it have done? It would have done my husband, who was absolutely reeling from the shock of being unemployed for the first time ever, absolutely no good, and it would have set the worse example for my children.
But there was something, like a tiny silver strand of silk, pulling me along, helping me stand up straight and control how I reacted rather than in a typically destructive and emotionally out-of-control way. I started to grasp the small seeds of faith that had been buried deep inside me - seeds of faith that ultimately I was in control of how I handled this, not the other way around and I could either slip back into the depths of despair, or get my act together and help my family get through this. I also had to do something I haven't done in ages...well, probably since I lost Joshua. Place my faith back in God and trust that he'd take care of us. I've been so angry with him for so very long. I've been angry at him, and it's been a misplaced anger. I got even angrier when The Very Bad Thing happened and honestly, it wasn't Him I should have been angry with. I know that now. Like any relationship that's been damaged, it's going to take me time to make things right with Him again. I do know that ultimately it's been Him that has carried my family through this and He who has held tight to me as I walked a tight-rope between trying to decide whether I wanted to live or die.
My relationship with God has not been an easy one. At times I've wanted a divorce. Something tells me that God doesn't do divorce and he leaves us with our free will to do as we please. At times I still waiver and am not completely sure that it's God that is responsible for this joy in my heart and faith that I will be a survivor. But the undeniable fact is that I am filled with a rather unexpected sense of joy and hope for myself that I've not felt in a very long time and whether it's God finally figuring out that I've been dealt a bad enough hand for a while, or just the fates aligning, I am grateful for this feeling.
I know we still have some tough times ahead. Oh believe me, we have a lot of hard decisions that have to be made...especially those that have to do with our home here in Maine, now that we're relocating to upstate NY. However, I no longer feel like those decisions and whatever the outcome is (and they're probably going to be pretty nasty), will be more than I can handle. I've come a long way and I don't want to lose this feeling that's blossomed inside me. I'll use this new found joy to help carry me through whatever might come my way, leaving Maine and starting a new life in NY and dealing with the changes that are bound to come along with it. Change doesn't have to always be bad. I know that now.
So, once more I come to you, my friends and readers, and ask for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers as we head to upstate NY in just a few hours to look around the area we'll be living in and try and find a place to rent. I'm excited and nervous and hoping that the knocks we've taken financially over the past two years won't be too big a hindrance in securing a place to live. Gareth starts his new job on Monday...as in THIS COMING MONDAY. We head back here to Maine late Saturday night and then he turns around and goes back Sunday afternoon and won't be back until late Friday night. I'm either going to need an extra dose of prayers to help Matt and I get through all the packing that we have to do, or a hell of a lot more Xanax! We're hoping to be over there and in the process of getting settled, by Christmas.
I'll be back with a new post either late Sunday night or Monday! Be sure and come back because Monday, for absolute certain, I will be kicking off the Crazy Christmas $300 Target Gift Card Giftaway! More than anything I want to share some of this joy! What's the good of being this completely happy if I can't share it?
