I know I know...I said I'd post more photos from Meg's BMT graduation and I am still sorting through all 1500 of them and really REALLY regretting that I shot in dual RAW and JPG mode. It's takes me twice as long to post-process them and at this point, I'm just about ready to forget playing with the RAW images and go with the JPG's because it's so time consuming and at times, irritating. I genuinely love taking photos I just find the post-processing part of it, monotonous and at times, difficult. I suppose it's made more difficult because I find using PhotoShop intimidating in the extreme and would really just prefer to shoot the shot right the first time, rather than having to deal with my white balance, tones, saturation, etc, after the fact.
BMT photos aside, something has been bothering me, eating away at me deep down inside since I got back from Texas. I can feel it chewing away at my conscience and at times, goading me into doing something that would be less than stellar, and possibly hurtful in the end.
A while back Deb from Bird on a Wire and the brilliant mind behind Girlfriend's Guide to the Business of Blogging asked me to speak at this year's inaugural conference. She wanted to me to speak about the business of being authentic and I accepted wholeheartedly and embraced the opportunity. Deb and I talked about the fact that often times I "put it all out there" and she wanted me to talk about that aspect of my blogging and how it's opened me up to the blogging community as a whole and what it means to me personally. Unfortunately, a mere day before I was supposed to speak, I became seriously ill and was unable to fulfill my commitment to Deb or the conference. I was heartbroken and disappointed.
It's true, I don't often hold back out here. Granted, not all parts of my life or that of my family is fodder for the blogosphere, but for the most part, I'm an open book.
I'm blessed to have a marriage that most only dream about and a husband who is not only supportive, loving and attentive, but respectful. I have a great marriage. However, that doesn't mean I want to spread the intimate details of my marriage all over the internet. There are some very prolific bloggers out there who will easily and very openly share the details of their sex lives as easily as they would open their panty-drawers for viewing to a stranger who walked into their home and they're rewarded for their openness by huge readerships and in some cases, financial gain. Being bluntly honest- some aspects of my life, present and past, are simply none of anyone's business and that includes my sex life!
Yes, I do bear all when it comes to my battle with depression, morbid obesity and bulimia. I've discovered that in doing so, I've forged some very dear friendships and let others know they aren't alone. In return I have gotten some of the most amazing and encouraging emails from others who have been through the depths of hell and survived and support me in my endeavors to do the same. I do not believe for a minute that when the time comes that my youngest child reads my words, or if the time comes when her friends read my words, that it will have any ill-effect on her at all. My older children read every word I write and have never had an issue with it. True, there have been a couple of times when I've very openly and abrasively called out a couple of their friends and ya know, that's my right. They get it. My kids know that I hold nothing back when it comes to their safety and those they associate with.
Oddly enough, for those of you who recall this post and the outrage and ire it caused amongst the teenagers and young adults out there, I've made amends with the "young lady" and we had a long talk about the impetus for that post. I never once made light of the fact that she's an incredible young woman, beautiful and talented and one of my favorite people. It doesn't change my mind about some of her actions, but just the fact that she came to me and wanted to talk to me and spend time with our family before we moved to NY says a lot about who she is as a woman and as a person. My point is, even posts like that aren't all bad and have their place and often times serve a useful purpose - a purpose that might not be realized for a while but eventually gets the point across. I have very strong opinions and feelings about certain things and you can trust me to express them when the opportunity arises. That post was just an example of me putting it all out there.
I've connected with other women and parents who have lost children. The bonds are just as real and important as if we'd met at a support group held in the basement of a church. The only difference being that we found one another via the internet.
I was able to meet a couple of parents who discovered my blog through my writing about Meg joining the United States Air Force - and embrace them at the BMT graduation ceremonies in Texas. Together we celebrated the amazing accomplishments our children had made and formed a tight-knit group of parents whose pride was most probably visible from outer space!
In the course of writing about my life in this blog, I've upset plenty of people, pissed off even more, made people laugh and others cry, inspired some and even made some shake their heads in disbelief.
I've also had an opportunity to share the jewels in my crown with you...my children. At times I've written some things that have not been the most flattering when it comes to some of the questionable things they've done. Oh sure, there are several occasions where I've embarrassed them, but never to the point of humiliation. I don't think I've ever crossed any lines with my kids though. We're very open about what I write out here and if there's something they absolutely don't want me to share, it doesn't get shared, which leads me to the conscience niggling issue I'm dealing with right now.
Oh and believe me, I know that I could become, easily in fact, one of those bloggers who has a readership that envies the elusive "A-Listers"...I could "use my words" to satisfyingly eviscerate a person who made it their goal to make my life hell recently. I'm sure, that by being very open about this, there are few who wouldn't support my anger and extreme distaste for this person.
In the end though, what purpose does that serve at all, aside from my own? All it does is make me feel better about being able to tear a person to pieces and have those who follow me, do the same.
At the end of the day, I might get more hits and more ad revenue, but the single most important result is how it would hurt someone very close to me and probably alienate me from that person.
And seriously? Anyone who needs, NEEDS to feel better by making someone else feel smaller or to hurt them intentionally is not someone I want to know or to be part of my life and it's definitely NOT the person I aim to be.
It doesn't mean I'm not tempted. Of course I am. I've spent the last two plus years reaping the rewards of letting others make me feel like shit and not expressing and feeling the anger that I should have. The lack of the ability to do this has cost me dearly and turned me into an emotional midget with an eating disorder. I talked to my therapist about this, this morning, and while she agrees that I have a lot of work ahead of me as far as finding the anger and assigning blame for The Very Bad Thing to the people who deserve it and not to myself, is important, it's not the same as what's happening right now and that I'm not going to be letting this person walk all over me if I don't take the opportunity to verbally shred them. In fact, it's holding my head high and simply letting it go.
This blogging...this "Business of Being Authentic" is important to me, but more than that, in my goal to always be authentic, I don't want to intentionally hurt those that mean the most to me. I don't deny that it's a very fine line I walk at times...those of us who blog, all walk it. Some cross it with ease, others never even see the line to begin with, or alternatively steer as clear of it as possible. And then there are those of us, like myself, who are always cognizant that it's there and spend a lot of time contemplating the repercussions of crossing it, despite the obvious gains we might earn if we do. We all have our own definitions of what makes up this line. One of the most important for me though is to not hurt my children intentionally. Really, at the end of the day it's not that important. This person, this thoughtless soul, is simply not that important to me.
So, do I really want to be the kind of blogger who, in an attempt to right a wrong, openly tears down another person, and in the process of doing so, hurts a person she cares about deeply?
No...NO! I do not want to be that kind of blogger!
