You know you really need to sit down and just write when your four year old tells you that you're annoying her and then asks you to "Please mumma, go write lots of words on your computer! You don't play Princess and the Frog like I want you to!" Of course, somehow I always mange to end up being the frog. Never once have I landed the sweet gig of being the princess. Heck, I can't even manage to ever be Cinderella when we play that game! I don't even get to be one of the mean step-sisters, or even the evil step-mother. Nope! Who does Gaby deign to let me play? Gus, one of the mice. That's right...the rotund (albeit he's very cute, at least I've got that going for me!), less than coordinated, newcomer to Cinderella's merry troupe of vermin mice.
So when I asked Gaby if she wanted to work on our "Kindness Project", (I mentioned this in yesterdays brief post), she just rolled her eyes and very emphatically told me, "Later! Now just move offa my swamp!" So much for blog fodder...blog fodder which I was really excited about, because she was really excited about doing it. "Was" being the operative word.
In a way it's kind of a good thing that we didn't get around to finishing our project today because something has been eating away at me for a few weeks and I wasn't sure if I could find the words to write about it, without sounding like the girl who never gets asked to dance.
I have written a lot about being "that mom", the one who has lost the child and is forced to wear that loss like a huge scarlet A across my chest. That's not something that will ever go away. I won't ever completely fit in around other mothers who are unbroken and whole. I've also written a great deal about my life as a morbidly obese woman and how I have struggled with that for more than two decades now. The weight will go away. I'm more determined now than ever to become healthy and strong...not only physically but mentally as well. However, as much as the stigma of belonging to the "That Mom" club will be ever present in my life, I wonder if the shame of being so physically repugnant will ever go away?
Let's be honest, shall we? Fat people, especially really, horribly morbidly obese people are overlooked, made fun of, laughed at, belittled, demeaned, and denigrated in almost every way possible. Not only do we often times not physically fit in (airplane seats anyone?), we also don't socially fit in...regardless of where we are. Oh sure, there's the funny fat guy at almost every party, but outside of his sense of humor, how much do you really know about him? Do you know what his passions in life are or what he thinks about anything outside of being funny? What is the funny guy like outside of the social setting where you're likely to come across him for a few minutes? Do you even honestly want to know anything more about him?
You probably don't because you see people like him much the same way people view those with leprosy. Here's the thing though...fat isn't contagious. If I sneeze near you, or cough in your general direction, you won't automatically sprout love handles, nor will the buttons pop off of your blouse or trousers, and you probably won't end up having to sign up with Jenny Craig after sitting near me on the bus. The way some people act around us though, you'd think we were no better than a common criminal.
Simply put, we don't fit in with all the cool kids.
Oh sure, you're probably sitting there going, "But Audrey, some of my closest friends are fat!" And maybe that's true. Perhaps you're able to see beyond the excess weight, the clothes that don't fit well, the unease this person has when he or she eats around you because they think you're watching everything they put in their mouths...maybe you are in fact able to look behind their eyes and see the human being that lives underneath all that adipose tissue. The fact remains, you're one of the few that can actually do that. Most people see us as gross blights on the pretty landscape of the earth.
Of course, at the rate Americans are gaining weight, I suppose many of us don't even realize that we aren't just overweight, we are obese! Maybe some of us just don't see it. Don't want to see it.
I see people look at me with disgust every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. That photo (I apologize for the quality, I took it at night on my way home from the store, and it was raining!), I posted above? That's the sign that greats you as you drive into the small town I live in. I live in Saratoga Springs, a beautiful, affluent area of upstate New York, situated at the foothills of the Adirondacks...and one of the things this area is famous for is health. HEALTH! And then there's me. I just moved here, I'm having a difficult time adjusting, and everywhere I look there are beautiful people with horses who are proud of their history...oh and their health. Did I mention the health thing already?
If people don't look at me with disgust, they just don't see me. They see right past me, like I'm not even there. I go into stores where men will open the door for every attractive and fit woman that walks in, but when I walk in, it's as if they don't see me. Don't get me wrong, I can open the door myself. It's just a common courtesy that I notice is not extended to me...even when I have Gaby with me. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have seen this happen before, not just with me, but with other obese women. They are not offered the same courtesy as those who are fit and attractive. It's not just doors that aren't opened (I can't even begin to count the number of "career" doors that have been slammed in my face because of my weight. Yes radio Program Directors, I'm talking about YOU! Yes employment agencies, I'm talking about YOU!) for the obese, it's the level of service we don't receive, the niceties that people neglect to give us, the smiles that go un-returned because of what we look like.
What happens when I lose the weight? Are you still going to see me as the woman who used to be fatally obese? Will you worry that I'll gain it all back and therefore be unattractive again? Will I fit into your world once I fit into normal size clothes? Are you all of a sudden going to open the door at Macy's for me? Run out to grab my cart at the grocery store on your way in with the rest of the carts? Smile back at me when I smile at you?
More than wondering if you'll all finally accept me for the person I am, I wonder if I'll ever see myself as acceptable? I know, within every cell of my being, that I'm worthy of the changes I'm making, but I wonder how I'll ever wash off the stigma that's been so very long associated with who I am?
One of these days I'm going to stop hiding behind my family and my kids when we take pictures together. I won't feel like I have to hide the horribleness of myself behind others...
Will you finally notice me then?
