A few days ago when I mentioned something along the lines of wanting to post more (and I do), I should have added the disclaimer that what I posted wouldn't necessarily make any sense.
As I slid down the Benadryl coated rabbit hole last night (I think I saw a few of you down there as well?), I was absolutely overwhelmed with a craving for Cookie Crisp cereal. The odd thing about this...well aside from the fact that, HELLO I'm a 41 year old craving a teeth-rotting-diabetic-coma-inducing kid's cereal - the odd thing is, I have never once had Cookie Crisp cereal. Not once! I grew up on oatmeal, Cheerios, Shredded Wheat, and occasionally, Rice Krispies. My parents never caved to our incessant wailing and whining of "Please, please, please, I'll clean up my room every day and do my chores and won't pull my sister's hair ever ever ever again, please just please can we have one teeny, tiny box of Obesity O's or Cap'n Crack?!?!?" Nope, they never once caved. Of course, on the weekends I spent with my Aunt Meta, I'd usually get my fill of breakfast at Bob's Big Boy or a teaspoon of sugar on my Cheerios, so it all evened out. Or so I thought.
Lately I've been having a horrendous time sleeping. Actually it's the getting-to-sleep part that is just about to kill me. Once I'm down, I'm out. Well unless a certain 4 year old who still isn't sleeping through the night decides to wake up. But we're not going to talk about that because speaking of a certain 4 year old, who is not yet sleeping through the night (this is not a nightly thing, THANK GOD!), causes my right eye to twitch uncontrollably and at times, I start to drool.
Try as I might I can not fall asleep. I have tried everything. I am on a first name basis with the sleep sheep who are quickly growing tired of the fact that as often as I have them over to count them, nothing happens. They remind me that they're on the clock and have other insomniacs to visit. I've tried sleepy-time teas, reading boring books (they suddenly became interesting), no sugar/caffeine/fun past 5PM (sorry hunny!), a warm bath, and exercise. You name it, I've tried it. I don't want to go the Ambien/serious big-league-drug route because I tried Ambien during my final trimester when I was pregnant with Gaby. Oh my God! Not even Demerol or Morphine left me with the kind of narcotic induced hangovers that Ambien did. Combine the hangover with the fact that I started to sleep-walk whilst on it and you've got a big fat no-no in my book! This is where Benadryl comes in. I can take a children's dosage of Benadryl and sleep like a rock (no, I am NOT going to say baby, because in my experience, the baby never sleeps through the night. Haven't we already covered that?), for twelve uninterrupted blissful hours.
Wednesday night I never went to sleep. Oh, I started to finally fall asleep around 3AM and then Gaby woke up due to a raging thunderstorm outside. I wanted to cry. Maybe I did. I was so seriously sleep deprived by the time the sun finally came out late Thursday morning that I was less than lucid. By the time Gaby went down for good last night at 8PM I was ready to crawl into bed and not crawl out for a good long time! However, I didn't want to just trust the fact that I was so completely exhausted and thus would sleep like the dead. Nope, I was going to insure myself a good night's sleep in the form of some Benadryl.
After gagging down (if the pills didn't take forever to work, I'd take them! That liquid is the nastiest stuff out there!), the thick, syrupy, and sickeningly sweet red stuff, I sat on the sofa playing with my droid, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a craving for Cookie Crisp cereal. I mean, OVERWHELMED! I was salivating at the thought of a huge bowl of sweet, yummy goodness. Despite never having had it before, I just knew it was going to be awesome. I was starting to get a little sleepy and practically begged Gareth to go out and get me a box. "Please please please, pretty please, I'll never ask you to ever run out and get me tampons again! Pretty please with a cherry and a blow job on top?"
Even after the temptation of temptations, he wouldn't budge. The man would not go out and get his wife a damned box of cereal. It wasn't even 9PM! So as I sat there on the sofa, my mouth imagining what a spoonful of yummy cookie goodness covered in ice cold milk would taste like, I dropped my droid. While I was bending over to pick it up and trying not to fall out off of the sofa, I said the hell with it. I drowsily climbed the stairs up to our bedroom, cranked the AC to high, passed a toothbrush over my teeth (at this point, I can't even guarantee that there was actual toothpaste on it.), slipped into a tee-shirt and climbed into bed. That's the last thing I remember until I woke up, out of a dead sleep, at 2AM absolutely drenched in sweat!
I can promise you that it was not hot in the bedroom, yet there I was, my hair plastered to my face, neck and back, my tee-shirt completely soaked through and the rest of me glistening in perspiration. Yes, I did check just to make sure I hadn't wet the bed, and can assure you that wasn't the case. As I sat there soaking wet in my Benadryl stupor, I was completely overcome by something akin to someone throwing hot sand all over my body. I responded to this by breaking out in even more sweat.
I can only assume this was my first official hot flash followed by the most ungodly case of the night sweats imaginable. Either that or Benadryl has a fun, new side effect I've never experienced before. However, because I'm 41 I'm pretty sure it's not a little mentioned side effect, or the results of a neglected craving. I'm assuming that I am entering peri-menopause. Hell, for all I know, the Cookie Crisp craving is just a lovely little precursor to peri-menopause.
Don't misunderstand me, I hate hate hate hate HATE my monthly visitor. One of my favorite things about being pregnant was the fact that Aunt Flo skipped me for nine beautiful months, longer if I was breastfeeding. I despise that time of the month. But, as much as I hate "The Curse", I'm not quite sure I'm ready for "The Change." Yes, it's true, when my mom told me how old she was when she hit menopause, I was all, "What the Hell? I've got HOW MANY MORE YEARS OF THIS TO PUT UP WITH???" I pictured myself at the grocery store picking up both denture cream and tampons at the same time and nearly cried. Not only that, she told me she didn't really have much of the whole hot flash, night sweats thing. I have pretty much followed in my mom's footsteps when it comes to all things girly-related. I assumed this would be the case with menopause as well.
When I asked my gynecologist about this she told me that I could very well still hit my mid-50's before menopause sets in and simply be peri-menopausal for the next FOURTEEN YEARS!!! What the hell? I have a 4-going-on-14 year old that I have to manage to raise into a happy, healthy, human being while I'm going through this? I'm not ready to start buying incontinence pads, wear bi-focals, or start watching reruns of Matlock and Murder She Wrote all while dealing with the torment of Gaby's pre-teen years and subsequent full-on teen years. That's cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me! And like hell if I think it's going to be fun teaching her how to drive and then asking her to pull over because "Mommy needs to find a bathroom RIGHT NOW BEFORE SHE PEES HER PANTS!"
Now that I've had a little while to sit and think about this, I think perhaps a celebration is in order. I mean, it's better to look on the bright side, right? RIGHT? When I had my first period at just a month shy of 12, my Aunt Meta took me shopping and we went for a special lunch at my favorite tea garden restaurant. I felt like a grown up. So I think it's only fair, now that I'm entering this next phase of life that we have a little celebration.
In honor of this special passage into a new chapter of my womanhood, I think it's only fitting that Gareth bring me a box of Cookie Crisp cereal.
