Some people are envious of the cars others drive, some are envious of larger more opulent homes with expansive lush green lawns and fantastic views, while others covet designer shoes and clothing. With me, it's teeth. White, straight, shiny teeth. OK OK, I do covet Volvos. Older Volvos and a certain small, sleek, absolutely sweet little number that a glittery, glammed up vampire drives in one of those Twilight movies. But in all seriousness, I am envious of people with nice teeth.
I love teeth. Straight, white teeth is where it's at for me. I have a bad case of teeth-envy. I want one of those smiles where, when I flash it at people, a little shiny star flashes off the corner of a tooth and you hear a slight "dingly tinkling" in the background. Am I silly? Maybe. Do I want beautiful teeth? YES!
My own teeth would be pretty awesome if it weren't for the huge fact that a few of them are missing. It's something I go to great lengths to hide and cover up. Due to some trauma from my past I've had to have three of my upper teeth removed and they are in very visible spots. I have not really and truly smiled in over ten years. This is hard for me to admit because, like I said, I go to great lengths to make sure no one notices it. I've already got a huge strike against me with my weight - which is impossible to hide, and therefore I worry a great deal over what people think when they notice I have these whacking great gaps in my teeth.
Ironically enough, I'm just getting back to the point where I want to smile again...genuinely smile! I'm so proud for being able to keep myself from slipping back into the near-suicidal depression I have been suffering from since The Very Bad Thing happened, and while I'm not through the tunnel yet, that light at the end of it it getting bigger and brighter and I can start to feel the warmth from that light on my face! So it's a little bittersweet that my smile doesn't reflect the inner knowledge that I am indeed surviving my own personal tour of Hell that I've been on.
Restorative dental work is prohibitively expensive...mine is going to cost upwards of $10,000 to complete. So I haven't really pursued having it done because I've yet to discover the money tree that my 4 year old daughter insists is growing right outside our front door.
Most of you know that I have a couple of potentially big things coming up in my life (one thing I will be able to share with you - just as soon as I receive the word from my contact that I can open the flood gates!) and it has been suggested to me by a certain someone that I might want to see about having my teeth "seen to." Ha! Easier said than done. I'll be honest though and tell you that this has been a constant source of worry for me for a couple of months now - more so than usual - simply because of some things I have going on right now. I confided in some close friends that I was worried that my teeth were going to keep me from realizing certain dreams.
I have also shared with those who are close to me, my extreme fear and apprehension of dental work in general. Those of you who avoid seeing your dentist regularly know what I'm talking about. When I'm lying back against the cool leather (or pleather, or vinyl, or even plastic in some cases) of a dentist's chair, in that prone position, I obsess over what the hygienist and dentist are thinking about me and right about the time I think I'm at the apex of fear, that's when they come at me with that MONSTER hypodermic needle! Are you breaking out in a cold sweat yet? I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it!
Unbeknownst to me, a couple of my closest friends got together and searched for an esthetic dental professional in my area and then once they did some research into this dentist, they phoned and made an appointment for me with Dr. Gerald Benjamin, D.D.S, P.C. I knew very little about it before hand other than that appointment had been made and that come Hell or high water, I would be there!
Because I'm all about being bluntly honest out here, against my better judgment, here is a photo I took of myself before I left for my appointment with Dr. Benjamin on Thursday afternoon. You can clearly see my teeth...or um, lack thereof. On your right, there's a huge gap where two teeth should be. You can't see it in this picture, but on your left, there is another smaller space, further in the back where another tooth has had to be removed.
I waffled and wavered and tried to come up with any excuse to not go to the appointment. For one, I already know that what I need to have done is costly and I am unable to afford so much as a cleaning treatment right now (dental insurance sucks!). Again, I was sure I was going to be met with judgment and little more than Dr. Benjamin telling me something along the lines of, "Well, yep, you need implants and those are gonna cost you, dearly!" I had heard of something called a "dental flipper" but wasn't sure that was a good option for me, even only temporarily.
I hadn't visited his web site before (people, he even has a blog!) my appointment and really didn't know much about him except what I was told by my friends - who, in all honesty, told me little more than, "Get your butt to the appointment, no arguments, no excuses!"
I walked into the comfortably furnished office of Dr. Benjamin and was immediately greeted by a very lovely receptionist with a warm smile and friendly attitude and nice teeth. See, I'm always looking at the teeth. Especially in dental offices.
Have you ever noticed how dental offices all smell the same? There is a particular antiseptic/minty/medicinal smell that almost all dental offices have. It's not a bad smell, it's just that smell. After I sat down, the smell hit me and the butterflies in my stomach immediately started up their three-ring circus! Right about then, the dental assistant/hygienist came out and told me I could go back into the examination room. She immediately put me at ease with gentle reassurances and her very comforting nature.
I walked into the examination room and saw the chair. Looked over at the tray and then up at the light that is always present above the examination chair and was pretty sure I was either going to pass out, or throw up...possibly both! Thankfully the examination chair was right there and I pretty much collapsed into it. The little dental drape was placed around my neck and then slowly and a little cautiously, Dr. Benjamin appeared in the doorway with a beguiling and comforting smile on his face. He reassured me that everything was going to be alright and then asked me if he could look inside my mouth. "Oh, here goes nothing!" I thought to myself as I opened my mouth and he began to look around.
Dr. Benjamin gently probed the inside of my mouth and said, "Oh this isn't bad at all. Not too bad. We can fix this permanently, in time, when you're ready, and I'm positive we can help you out with a temporary solution until you're ready to move forward with the implants."
I felt my chest loosen up just a little bit and I relaxed my death grip on the arms of the chair, just a little. I spoke to both the hygienist and Dr. Benjamin for a few moments, vaguely, about what was going on in my life, and told them how determined I was to make the life-altering changes I so desperately need to make in order to make the life I see in my dreams, a reality, but that I was afraid that my dental situation was holding me back. Dr. Benjamin asked me if I was really and truly determined and then when I told him I was, he shared with me his own story of sheer determination. I was blown away by what he told me, and instantly moved but more importantly, was inspired. I don't have his permission to share this story with you, but I'm hoping that some day I can.
Dr. Benjamin explained to me that while a dental flipper was one temporary solution for the missing teeth it wouldn't be one that I would like or that he thought was suitable. It would change the way I spoke, potentially be uncomfortable and was not very sturdy. He told me about another appliance that he felt would be a better option for me and that it could be fitted and in, in less than a week. We talked a little about the cost of the appliance, while not inexpensive, is was within our very tight budget. Then he asked me something that almost made my heart stop. "What is your gag reflex like?" I wanted to tell him that just hearing the term, "gag reflex" makes me gag, but instead I told him that I have an incredibly sensitive gag reflex. He explained that he was going to take some molds of my mouth and then his assistant told me she'd help me get through it with some relaxation techniques.
He took two complete molds of my mouth and amazingly enough, I didn't come close to gagging! I've never had dental impressions taken before and I found the whole thing a little odd, but not unpleasant in the least. It goes without saying, I didn't gag once, a fact for which I'm extremely grateful for!
As I rinsed a few little bits of the molding mixture out of my mouth, Dr. Benjamin explained to me more about this appliance (and for some reason I can't recall the exact name of it), how it would fit into my mouth and be the best option for me until I can get the implants placed. I told him that I had been using an at-home whitening system which made my teeth really sensitive but I thought was working. He told me that my teeth looked pretty good and with a couple of fillings and the implants, I should be good to go.
Do you know how relieved I was to hear that? I was sure that I was going to be told that my teeth were so far gone that the next stop for me was a seat on the Polident Express to Denturville. I've had constant nightmares about being a public speaker and then in the middle of saying something, my teeth would come flying out of my mouth and land in someone's lap. I constantly dream of flossing my teeth and then having my teeth all come out, attached to the floss, like some kind of morbid necklace.
I sat there for a moment, once I was done rinsing and spitting (why can I never manage to spit in the basin, even though it's right there under my chin, without getting half of it all over my face and down my chin?), and took a deep breath and completely relaxed. I hadn't realized just how tense I was until I did this. I felt completely at ease around Dr. Benjamin and his staff and at that moment was so grateful for this caring and compassionate professional.
I'm also so very thankful for my close friends that took the time to research dental professionals in my area, make the phone calls and from the looks of it, explain my situation. This is not something I would have undertaken on my own because I just felt like it was not within my reach and that I was not worth it. Thank you so much for this push in the right direction. I love you guys!
I've let my fear and apprehension, not to mention - our financial situation, dictate whether or not I even let someone so much as just look at my teeth and tell me whether or not there was something temporary that could be put in place until I was in a better position to have the permanent restoration completed. It was yet another example of how I've let my feelings of no self-worth rule how I live my life. Now that I know there is something and that I have a chance to see my smile, my real smile - one that reaches my eyes, not just the corners of my mouth; I can't begin to tell you how ecstatic I am. The only thing that makes me every more excited than I am right now is that in a few days time, I'll be able to see what I will eventually look like when my dental restoration is complete. I'm so very happy that in between now and then, there is a temporary solution that will allow me to smile - and really mean it...something I've rarely done in more than a decade, and I'm so appreciative to be under the care of such a compassionate and gifted dental professional; Dr. Benjamin.
Stay tuned for Part II...I'll reveal what my smile looks like with the new appliance in place!
ETA: I was in no way compensated for this post, nor did I receive treatment in exchange for my opinion of services rendered. I am just that completely happy with the wonderful care I received from Dr. Benjamin!
