I love Dave Barry. I've read every single book he's ever written and if his syndicated column were published in our local paper, I'd read that too!
I was trying to have a phone conversation with my sister Amanda, earlier today, in between being interrupted by a precocious four year old telling me every 30 seconds, "I wanna talk, I wanna tell Auntie Amanda 'bout the newfie I want and how I make a hole in Miss Zebra, lemme talk mommy, lemme talk, LEMME TALK!!!!" and in the midst of telling Gaby to "BE QUIET BECAUSE MOMMY IS TRYING TO HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT CONVERSATION", I completely gave up and asked my sister, "So how is 18 months treating you? Because I've got to tell ya sis, four years old is kicking my butt!"
I don't know what moron decided it was the "Terrible Twos" that were the most miserable because frankly, "two" was a breeze with all of my kids. The gap between Gaby and my next oldest is a little over 13 years so I might be a little fuzzy on the later preschool years, but I'm pretty sure I'd remember feeling like I wanted to have a shot of something, hell, even Nyquil, by the time the credits on Sesame Street rolled, if I'd been as close to being driven completely 'round the bend, as I am now! Besides, when the twins were four, they had one another, and when Zach was four, he had the twins. Gaby has...me and three cats during the day.
I went on to tell my sister about a recent exchange between Gaby and I. We were all in the car going somewhere and Gaby was being...well, a pain in the butt. Can I say that without someone calling CPS on me? Can I actually verbalize that yes, my child is occasionally a pain in the butt? So anyhow, Gaby was mouthing off and being rude. I turned around and looked at her at said, "Gabriella, you had better watch the way you speak to me!" And without missing a beat Gaby looked me in the eye and said, "Well I can't because I can't see my mouth!"
Gareth almost had to pull the car over because he was laughing so hard. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from giggling. There was no point in trying to come back with a witty parental retort because in all honesty, she had me there. Gaby is nothing if not logical and very literal!
Another case in point...We're once again in the car and this time it's just Gaby and me. We're on our way into town and we have to cross a small bridge over a lake in order to get there. The town is currently building a brand new bridge alongside the older one and there are cranes and other heavy machinery all over the side of the road. Gaby asked me why they were building a new bridge and I told her, "Because the old one is in bad shape and falling apart." To which Gaby replied, "Why is it falling apart? Why is it old?" I told her that "Everything ages and sometimes when things get really old, they don't work as well anymore so they have to be replaced." She thought about what I said for a moment and then asked me, "Well mommy, you're pretty old, when are you going to start falling apart?" I looked in the rear-view mirror and exclaimed, "Oh look over there Gaby, there's a pig flying over that boat!" She just laughed and told me I was silly, but at least we diverted any further questions in what was turning into The Grand Inquisition.
As I drove to the store I had to laugh because my sister's biggest complaint about my niece, her 18 month old daughter is that she constantly says, "Mommy mommy mommy MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MAAAAAAAAAAA!" and then when Amanda says, "What", Cali, my niece, just giggles and runs away. I had told my sister, at some point in our conversation, "Just wait, it gets better!" And by better, I think I meant what Dave Barry said...
"I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
I can not wait for my sisters, Amanda who has 18 month old Cali, and Diana who has an 11 year old, to enter the full-on teen years with their girls. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to give them any hints about what's around the bend. Why ruin the fun?
