I woke up this morning with puffy eyes and a headache. 1:14AM hit me harder than I expected and in the still, small, dark of the night, I cried and cried. I finally dried my eyes, made sure I knew where the Preparation H was (no, not for 'rhoids, but for puffy and swollen eyes! Works wonders on getting rid of the evidence of broken hearts and broken souls.), turned the air conditioner off upstairs, grabbed my pillow and slept downstairs nearest to Gaby's room. I took comfort in being closer to her through the restless hours of the night.
I also awoke with a plan for the day that didn't include staying in bed and mourning my 2 year old son Joshua, on the 20th anniversary of his death. Instead of the norm, I took the advice of my dear friend Kim D., and got Gaby dressed, went and bought 20 balloons in red, black and yellow (the colors of Joshua's favorite thing in the whole world, Mickey Mouse), and headed for the hills to release the balloons and remember this precious little boy.
I underestimated just how much room 20 balloons would take up in my SUV. They take up a lot of space. I also wasn't prepared for how the combination of the hot muggy day outside and the latex balloons would clash and my car would end up smelling like the inside of a rubber glove. Oh well, that's what those little air fresheners in the shape of pine trees are for...although I made a promise to Meaghan before she left that I'd never ever buy them in bulk again, and then open 5 of them (the dog had barfed in the car - and if you think there's nothing worse than that smell, think again!), at once. Yeah, Cherry Orchard air-freshener, in bulk, tends to smell like one is driving around in a tube of cherry flavored Chapstick! I may break that promise though because right now, "cherry flavored Chapstick" is preferable to "Rubber Glove."
Despite the smell and several balloons infringing on her personal space, Gaby didn't seem to mind the drive up to Saratoga National Park. She was bubbling over with excitement and enthusiasm and I couldn't help but remember that very same excitement Josh would show when ever we'd put on his favorite movies...The Little Mermaid or Wizard of Oz. I've only just recently bought The Little Mermaid for Gaby and she loves it too! She can sing every song from it and there is rarely a week that goes by that we don't watch it at least twice. I haven't been able to sit down and watch The Wizard of Oz since Josh died. His most beloved song was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." The daughter of very dear friends of mine sang that song at his funeral service and I've just never been able to handle watching the movie because I know the song is coming up. Maybe this year?
All the way up the hill to the national park, Gaby sang songs from The Little Mermaid and rarely was there a moment when she wasn't smiling...
When we arrived at the park the thick layer of clouds overhead had begun to burn off to reveal a brilliant light cerulean blue sky dotted here and there by puffy white clouds. I found a place up high that overlooked the American River and pulled into a parking space and looked around and was grateful that there weren't too many visitors to that area of the park. A few couples walked their dogs and a family was reading a momument a little distance away.
I was just a tad hesitant about having Gaby release the balloons as I had images of her being lifted off the ground by those 20 helium filled balloons. I guess I've been watching "Up" a few times too many recently! In spite of my hesitance I asked Gaby to be the one to let the balloons go, which she was only too happy to do!
And then she told me to tell her, "release"...I counted to three and then through tears and as my voice cracked, I said, "Release..."
Gaby peered into the sky and her little eyes followed those 20 balloons for as long as she could...
"I love you Joshua, and mommy misses you but I'll give her extra hugs for you 'till you see mommy when she gets to Heaven."
Almost completely out of sight...
Gaby and I stood there for a few more minutes. She hugged my leg and told me she loved me and then told me that I could wipe my nose and eyes on her blouse if I wanted to. She's real considerate like that. I looked around and realized we had an audience of people in two cars and the family who had been walking around, reading monuments, had been watching the entire thing. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and took Gaby and retreated into the car.
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I'm still pretty emotional, but I'm in a much better place this year, than I was last year, or previous years before. It's incredible the change it's made this year when I took the suggestions to use this day to celebrate Joshua's life rather than the way he died. In future years I hope I can do bigger and better things. I'd love to set up a scholarship fund in Joshua's name for students who want to pursue a career in writing or journalism. I'd also love to be able to donate money to VoluntEARS, an outreach of the Disney (Joshua was such a huge Disney fan!), organization that does so many wonderful things in communities around the world. More than anything, I want my life to exemplify the life I saw when I had the dream about Joshua last year, and once I'm there, I want to pay it forward.
In the spririt of looking forward, I'm bursting at the seams to let you all in on something I've been working on with the wonderful women behind Woman's Day magazine for the last couple of months.
The lovely folks who run Woman's Day magazine asked me if I would mind if they ran a feature on me for their October 2010 issue which is an annual health issue. I was flattered and of course, accepted. Over time the feature evolved into me contributing a piece to the article, which showcases two other bloggers/writers as well. I was asked to write about obesity and how it's affected my life and...well, if you want to find out any more you'll have to pick up a copy of the magazine which hits newsstands at your grocery stores and other retailers on the 31st of this month! If you happen to subscribe to the magazine, you'll get your copy a week earlier in the mail.
Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yeah, I'm just a little excited. I'm also proud of myself. Why? Because my writing gets a chance to shine and I was able to take advatange of a great opportunity to talk about what it's like, (to talk about it in another forum other than my blog.), being an obese woman in America. Something I have written is actually going to be published in a widely circulated magazine! So yes, YES I AM DAMNED EXCITED ABOUT IT!
I like to think, that as the sun begins it's westward descent on the 20th anniversary of Joshua's death, that he's smiling down on me and proud of me, if for nothing else, than for the fact that for once, in a very long time, I'm proud of myself.
