Late last night as I sat here with my finger poised and ready to hit "Publish" I decided that no, no I was not going to publish a post full of whiny, groaning, moaning, drivel. I deleted everything I wrote and decided to sleep on it and see how I felt this morning.
I am so glad I did!
Yep, I've been feeling like I'm losing my tenuous grasp on the edges of the rabbit hole and it's been getting easier and easier to let the constant call of the Mad Hatter and his merry band of lunatics try and talk me back into falling completely into the rabbit hole. I've been sleeping way too much, again, and I opened the door just wide enough for Coca Cola to reach in, grab me and nearly smother me in it's fizzy, brown, sugary, icy cold awesomeness. Just by admitting that little tidbit out here, I run the risk of Jessica coming out here to out little piece of mayfly-infested heaven, and slapping me upside my head for giving into the carbonated devil.
As I lay in bed last night I thought about a lot of things that have been bothering me and possibly contributing to my lack of a sense of well being. Some of it has to do with this never-ending merry-go-round that I've been living on since I announced I was in the midst of the casting process for a weighty reality show. Financial issues and the house in Maine have weighed me down even further. Gaby has become...well, she has decided to embrace being 4-almost 5 in a way which is going to probably drive me around the bend.
Added to all of the above (and that's not even half of it, really.); I found out that the mother of a long-time friend, Kim (she was the one who was with me the night Joshua died) passed away on Thursday. Ida's death hit me so much harder than I could have imagined it would.
Growing up Mormon (I am no longer active, something else I've been struggling with.), I was blessed with so many wonderful woman around me who were positive examples of beauty, grace, elegance and leadership. Kim's mother was one of those women. She, my Aunt Meta, and one other woman who was also pivotal in my youth, were the only people whom I trusted with a secret that would eventually contribute to how hard I am on myself and why I have buried myself in all of this fat. Kim's mom and this other woman didn't so much "know" as suspect that something had happened to me and asked me. My silence gave them the answer they already knew. Neither one ever treated me like I was dirty. They genuinely loved me and cared about me and made sure that I knew that Heavenly Father placed me here on earth for a reason and that no matter what, no one could take away my right to live the life I was meant to live.
Somehow, over the years, after Joshua's death and then as a result of The Very Bad Thing, I lost grasp of that message. When I received word of Ida's death - words she spoke to me years and years ago, washed over me;
"You are so special and blessed to enrich the lives of mankind. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. Heavenly Father loves you so very much, always follow those intuitive seeds that he has placed within your soul. Shower them and tend them much the way you would a garden. As those seeds bloom, so will you."
I folded my arms and let the tears flow...for Ida, for Kim's loss, for all of her family and especially her husband - who loved and doted on her, and finally, for myself. Tears of regret stung my cheeks because I don't think I ever let her know how much of an impact she made on my life and how I've never forgotten the example she set for me, and so many other young women who were in her charge during our years in the Young Women's program of the Mormon church.
I woke up this morning and thought of Ida's words again. I really thought about them. I pictured those words engraved on the strongest of stones set just outside the edge of the rabbit hole, and imagined myself grabbing hold of the stone and hanging on to every single word, syllable by syllable, for dear life. I envisioned myself reaching deep down inside to make sure those seeds were still there and once I knew they were, setting out to shower them with the long-neglected waters of loving myself, letting myself be loved by others, and placing them in the deep rich soil of my soul where they will once again bloom and flourish.
In celebration of the many gifts Ida gave to me, I will not let the Mad Hatter pull me back under, no matter how tempting his pills and potions seem. I won't let his band of lunatics lull me into the complacency of depression and not caring about anything or anyone, especially myself. Those seeds are far to precious to let them be smothered in the darkness of the hole I have fought so hard to crawl out of.
I can take control of my life, and in doing so, let the seeds of love, compassion, and destiny; blossom, or I can die a slow death in a deep, miserable hole, surrounded by all the hatred and hurt I've let eat me from inside out, and let those awful things fester and bubble over into something truly ugly and horrible.
I choose to let those seeds bloom!
