This past weekend in Maine opened up a huge chasm of financial uncertainty in our lives that has left me feeling desperate and like there is no way out of this mess. Despite the fact that we played equally as hard (for us that means going to the beach and letting Gaby run wild, something she LOVES to do!) as we worked, and had one of the most amazing weekends in such a long time, at the end of those three days, we were faced with the grim reality of the ominous foreclosure process. As we inch closer and closer to the bank swallowing the house back up, we realize we have less and less time to get things out of there. We were also hit with several other dire issues that are likely to make trying to get things out the house before we no longer have access to it, very difficult.
We got home and I just felt incredibly empty, even though for all intents and purposes, we had a good time and we got a lot done, and probably made the people at Goodwill very very happy! I won't go into how inconsolable Gaby has been since we got back home...just know that no matter what I suggest in order to get her mind off of Maine and on to things we can do around here to have fun, she's not having any of it.
During a quiet spell today I sat down and let the tears flow. I had a pity party. I wasn't thrilled that I allowed myself to wallow around in a huge vat of misery, but just the same, I did. I think I looked back on the time when we were still in Maine, right after Gareth lost his job and I pulled it together and knew exactly what had to be done and I did it. I had a few minutes of panic and a little meltdown but I pulled it together and made sure I was emotionally and physically available for my husband - who was in shock, and for my kids who were now faced with the uncertainty of what was going to happen to us.
So why I can't I do that now, when Gareth is employed and things aren't quite as grim? Have I just gotten to the point where I can't squeeze anything more out of my "faith" that was the size of a mustard seed? Where is the spirit that I seemed to possess that told me if we got through that, we could get through anything? Why am I feeling so completely overwhelmed by everything now? More than anything, I'm feeling the weight of the guilt, the burden of knowing that it was mostly my own shortcomings that led to where we are now...struggling to fit in amongst people that are [so far] unreceptive to us, losing ground financially, and because of my inability to cope with the trauma associated with one of the most horrific events of my recent past (the "Very Bad Thing"); caused us to accumulate horrendous debt and lose our house.
I know I know...Gareth lost his job and in a word, the economy in Maine, sucks, right now. However, had I been a stronger person and not totally fallen apart, been able to cope with the crisis that one of my children went through, and just been an all-around more mentally and healthy person; I can't help but feel like we would have been in a better position to handle what life dealt us.
I am beside myself with the knowledge that my husband, who sold his home in the U.K., left his home country, a good job, and came over here to start a life with me and raise a family (part of which includes being an absolutely spectacular step-father to three children, who at times, have been a challenge), may never be able to buy another home here in the U.S., in no small part, because of me. Then there's the eating that associated with all of this. I eat to bury the pain of everything that has happened, to assuage the feelings of guilt for what is happening, and to comfort me because I'm aware of what's going to happen. All of this eating isn't cheap either...so let's just heap on another plateful of guilt. It's what's for dinner!
In my struggle to get rid of all of this physical weight, I'm beginning to realize that the greater war which will be waged will be the one to get rid of the emotional weight that weighs me down. Maybe if I had a little more faith that I could win that battle, I'd have more faith that I could defeat the physical weight too. And just maybe, maybe everything else in my life wouldn't seem so insurmountable.
