Barking Mad

Consumed

I've only processed (I shot everything when we were in Maine, in RAW rather than JPG and for some reason I'm moving slower than molasses going up hill in January when it comes to converting the images over so that I can post them to the blog) a handful of photos from our trip.  So bombing you with photos is going to have to wait until tomorrow. 

Also?  I can't sit still.    Why?  Because I'm consumed with what lurks out there on the horizon.   There are some potentially really amazing things happening both personally and professionally in our lives.  Gareth has strictly forbidden me from talking about  a couple of them and that's OK.  I don't want to jinx anything.   Suffice it to say, we're in a very good place right now, regardless of what direction we head.  I know, way to be cryptic.  Sorry. 

It's amazing, the things that can happen in your life if you'd only open yourself up to letting them happen!   Does that make sense?   How many times have you said, "I swear, I have the worst luck!  Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?"    Do yourself a favor here and now, don't ever say that again.  Don't even think it.   Start focusing on the things you want to happen and don't even open yourself up to the possibility of anything negative happening.   I'm not saying you'll never ever have another bad day again, but the less opportunity you give the negative energy to plant itself in your life, the more opportunity you open up to receive whatever blessings God/The Universe/The Powers That Be want to bestow upon you. 

I know I know...I sound like one of Oprah Winfrey's New Age Life Coaches.   Maybe I do, but I'm telling you here and now, that your life and the energy you send out, comes back.  I don't know how to articulate it any better than that.   If you spend any time at all bemoaning the bad luck that seems to fall in your lap on a regular basis, guess what?  You're going to get more of what you perceive as bad luck.   However, if you just take a little time each day to shut out the negative, focus on the solutions or how to achieve the solutions you want, rather than only the problems, you'll start seeing  changes.   They might only be small at first, but I promise you, your attitude and the energy you put out there, determines what you receive back.

Friends, jobs, cars, pets, homes, money, love, objects of all shapes and sizes . . . they come and they go.  How you react to those departures and arrivals makes all the difference in the world.    That's not to say I didn't mourn the recent loss of our cat, Griffy,  or of a close friendship that ended.  I did.  But I didn't sit here and tell myself that I have crappy luck or that I attract crazy people.  I didn't even allow those thoughts space in my head or in my own personal universe.   The very same former friend recently made a remark about my photography not being anything close to professional.   It was like I didn't even flinch when I read what she wrote.   I choose to focus on what is rather than what someone else might think isn't.   I made a conscious choice to not let her opinion change anything about how I feel about what I enjoy doing.    Conscious choices often become habits.  Don't let that little point escape you!

I chose to let go of the anger at the anonymous person who hit and killed our cat, Griffy.   Hanging onto it won't bring him back.  Instead I'm basking in the bright furry, ginger glow of the wonderful memories of him being a part of our family.

Focus on what you have rather than what you don't have.  Focus on what you desire in your life and take the steps to making those desires become physical realities.

In the past couple of weeks, I've let my eating slide a little bit.  While I haven't gained a single pound, I haven't seen the number go down either.   However, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  Why?  Because I know a smaller number is there.  All I have to do is reach out and take it.  It's mine if I'm willing to work for it.   It's just waiting for me to open my arms and embrace it . . .like so many other things in our lives - if we'd just focus on the fact that life is waiting to bless us with the things we desire - waiting for us to accept them; it happens. 

I'm not sitting here telling you that if you close your eyes and tell the Universe you are ready to win PowerBall that when you check the winning numbers tomorrow that you're going to collecting a huge check, but I'm also not telling you it's not going to happen either.     Sometimes we are our own biggest obstacles when it comes to obtaining the things we want and desire.   And sometimes the things we want the most, we aren't ready to accept the responsibility for.   That right there is one of the biggest things, other than ourselves, that stands in our way of accepting the goodness and richness that life waits to hand to us;  we simply aren't prepared to handle the responsibility that comes with getting what we want.  Decide that you're up to the task of getting what you what and then go out there and do what it takes to get it!

Stop being so consumed with what you don't have.  Consume yourself with the wealth that surrounds you in what you do have and what awaits you. 

Here I sit, consumed with the possibilities that await our family, regardless of what direction we go.  It doesn't make the task of deciding which direction to go, any easier, but I think part of that lies in the fact that I keep seeing bumps in the road that might pop up, rather than focusing on the solutions to what are, in all reality, not really problems at all.  It's all about perspective and attitude. 

Maybe you're sitting there wishing I'd bombed you with all those photos after all?   Perhaps, instead,  I just handed you a gift.   Sit a while and open it -  and yourself - up to all the possibilities tha await if you take that gift and run with it!

 

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

image credit

I've seen this meme numerous places all over the internet, not only on the blogosphere but on Facebook and a couple of other websites that have a journal feature.  I have been dealing with not only paralyzing writer's block but not being able to get the nerve up to post some things that I really want to post, so I thought that this would be a good way to work through some of my mental kinks.  I might have a regular (non-meme related) post as well, but my goal is to post one of these "truths" each day, and not necessarily in the order I've seen them on other sites.  

To give credit where credit is due, I found this one over on Avitable's site, you know the one, the site where "tact goes to die."   I realize that he isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I happen to adore him.  There, my secret is out.

Here are the 30 Truths...it will be anyone's guess as to which one I pull out of the hat to kick things off!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I'm going to start off with Day 5 - Something You Hope to do in Your Life

More than anything I want to be an inspiration and motivation to others.  I want them to be able to read something I've written or hear something I've said and be able to dig down deep and grasp those threads of self-belief and self-worth, pull them tight and them weave them together in order to fashion their lives into the incredible tapestry it was meant to be.

I know how incredibly hard that can be.  I am at the very start of this journey and have no idea what exactly my own tapestry is going to end up looking like, but I know it's going to be amazing, and beautiful and wonderful, because deep down inside, I am all of those things.  

More than anything, I want my children, especially my older children who I have a threadbare relationship with, to believe those things of themselves.   If they get one thing and one thing only out of our tumultuous relationship, it's the fact that they hold them power within themselves to transform their lives into incredible works of art - no matter where ever they are in life right this minute.  No mistake is so large as to be unable to correct it, learn from it and move forward. 

My greatest hope is to be able to plant the seeds of inspiration into others, as has been done for me.  Those tiny seeds will one day bear beautiful fruit that will enable me to climb mountains I once thought impossible to ascend, and to lead the  remarkable life I was meant to lead...I'd love to be able to help plant those seeds in others so that they can reap the beautiful harvest of becoming everything they are meant to be.

Looking for the Window That Opened When This Door Closed

I'm just going to put this all out there.  Lay it all out on the line.  Bear my soul.  Bleed all over this here blog.  Over-share. Open myself up.  Besides it wouldn't genuinely be me if I weren't as bluntly open as I usually am.

A while back when I wrote this post, where I opened up more than I ever have about my weight and told you that I was taking certain steps in my journey to accomplish that.  I had absolutely no idea what the result of that post would be, or where the road with that "journey" would take me.   As it turns out, this is the end of the road.  However, let me  be clear about something, the ride was fun, liberating, nerve-wracking-as-ever sometimes, but more than anything, it showed me that I can stand on my own two feet and I am worth saving...my life is worth saving, regardless of whatever road I take to accomplish getting healthy and reclaiming my life!

I'll be honest though, I am a little crushed.  I went back and forth and back and forth and jumped through numerous hoops and made it a long way through the "process."    There were days when I wanted to pull my hair out and moments when I was so high that I'd made it yet another step in the process that I didn't think I'd ever come back down.  At the end of the day though it boiled down to one huge thing...I didn't have a partner going into this and as it turns out, that's what cut me from the process.  It was ultimately decided that the season I was being considered for was going to be a partners season and I didn't have anyone to team up with.   It's not a matter of not being able to find someone else obese - it was a matter of that person being someone I was closely related to.   There is simply no one in my family that would qualify. 

This is where things might potentially get a little messy.  People keep asking me why I was so insistent about losing the weight that way and then insisted that if I genuinely did want to lose the weight, I'd do it on my own, show or no show. True enough.  And ya know something?  I'm 1/5th of the way towards my goal.  I've lost 50lbs on my own since April 20th.   I can do this on my own.  I want to do this for me and no one else, and for once in my life I actually feel like I'm worth it.  I AM WORTH IT!

So what was the big deal about doing it in front of millions of people?  First is the fact that I wanted the constant medical and diet supervision.  When you are as morbidly obese as I am, in an optimal setting you should be supervised.  My insurance doesn't cover anything even remotely associated with obesity.    I also wanted to know that I could push myself harder than I've ever pushed myself, in other than ideal settings where things got confrontational at times and that I wouldn't back down or crumple into a heap of tears and run to the cupboards or fridge as a result of the pressure.

Finally, and here is where I will probably end up being called an incredible narcissist, I wanted the platform that going that route would have offered me and the opportunities it would have afforded me, to speak to others about standing up, recognizing your worth and achieving your goals.  I wanted to be able to go further than this blog allows, to reach out and touch people and extend my hand and say, "I did it and you can, you're worth it!  Believe it!"  I wanted the doors that this would have opened for me.  More than anything I just wanted the opportunity - I think if I could have just gotten the door open a crack, I could have shoved myself the rest of the way through it, on my own.

I was talking to someone about this earlier today and this person said to me, "Well why can't you just be satisfied with who you are now?  Where you are?  I mean, not the fat you, but you know, get healthy and just be done.  Why do you have to have anything more?  Why can't you just settle for what you have, the life you have?  Isn't it good enough?"   I didn't have an answer right then and there. Or rather, I couldn't articulate what I wanted to.  I also got a little pissed off because I felt like this person was saying to me, "Well what makes you think you're so special?"   The more I thought about it, the angrier I became until I remembered a quote by Marianne Williamson that resonates so deeply within me:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I know some of you might disagree with me, but lately it seems like no one wants to stand up and be great, be an example to others or an inspiration.  We're being told that we should level the playing field and that no one else should really strive for anything better...just settle for the life you have.  Settle for mediocrity.   Be OK with just getting by, besides, why do you think you deserve anything better in life?  Why should you be the one to stand up and inspire someone else?  Why should you realize your dreams when the person sitting next to you might not be able to do the same?  What makes you think you're any more deserving of those dreams than the man down the road who struggles every day and just can't seem to make ends meet?

Do you know what I say to all that?  I was created to lead an extraordinary life.  I'm taking responsibility for that life and I refuse to hide my light anymore just because there's a slim chance it might outshine my neighbor's.  I want the chance to shine and in my heart of hearts, I'd want for my neighbor to want to shine just as much as I do...but I'd want him to want it for himself.   It doesn't make me more deserving than him - it's the desire and the knowledge that I'm as deserving of this bright shiny light as anyone else.  Given the chance, I'd extend my hand to my neighbor and help him stand up, brush himself off and help him realize his dreams, too.  Yes, I do think I'm great (OK, well I'm learning to think that...it's a journey.) and if my own self awareness of that helps liberate others, then I'm going to keep embracing that greatness!

I know this has probably come across as me being a flaming narcissist and if that's how you see it, so be it.  My point is probably lost underneath all the words I've used to try and make that point.

In the end though, it's not all about me. It's about what I can do with the gifts I've been given and then taking advantage of  whatever opportunities I'm presented with, to help me lose the shroud of self-hatred and then realize those dreams and help others stand up and feel worthy enough to enter into the light.   It's about not "playing small", but is about liberating myself from the fear that's kept me tied down for so long.  Right now, I'm kinda feeling like I'm going to have to be smart enough to see the window that opened when the door closed...because, you know, there's always one... A window always opens when a door closes.  Sometimes if you're lucky, another door even opens.