Barking Mad

My Little Pill Problem

 

 

I'm sort-of picking up where I left off in my last post, my update on my weight loss.   I didn't want to shove this in with the rest because it wasn't germane to the topic.  

 Anyhow, here goes!

At my office visit back on Friday the 13th, in addition to the normal stuff like weight and blood pressure (it's still borderline high) my doctor ran some blood tests and I found out I'm seriously anemic, as well as being deficient in potassium and magnesium.   I'm working on getting back on track with healthy eating so that I can correct those deficiencies, but I'd be lying if I told you that I was shocked to find out that I'm "seriously anemic."

Anemia is something I've dealt with for a very long time.   I've been told to take iron supplements for the last 20+ years.  I always hesitate because I've read how constipating they can be, and if there's one thing I've never been, it's constipated.   Even when I have upped my consumption of foods that are naturally high in iron and taken a supplement, I still end up anemic.   We don't eat a lot of red meat; once a week would be considered "a lot" for our family.  It's more likely that we eat red meat perhaps once a month!  I've upped my intake of fresh spinach (don't even think about asking me to eat the cooked stuff!  I can't stand it!), and I'm including other vegetables in my diet that are naturally high in iron.  Apparently it's not been enough.  

One thing I have never been aware of until now, and now I'm acutely aware of it, are the consequences of being "seriously anemic."     Rapid heart rate (ding ding ding!), shortness of breath (ding ding ding) and extreme fatigue are all symptoms of being anemic.   Once my doctor explained this, the bigger parts of a huge puzzle I've been dealing with for the last six months or so, started to fall into place.   

I have been plagued with almost paralyzing fatigue since the middle of the summer.  At first I chalked it up to the move from the house on the lake to our current home, and then my diet, then I thought it was a symptom of my depression worsening - but I didn't feel more depressed, just insanely tired all of the time.   When we first joined the Y, instead of feeling an overall sense of more energy despite the muscle pain, I was just tired.  All time time.  I have been sleeping close 16 hours a day at this point.   I'd wake up, get Gaby ready for school, walk her to the bus stop, walk around the block a couple of times, come back home and sleep until noon, or sometimes until 2pm.   I just could not seem to get enough sleep.

In an effort to try and get more sleep earlier in the evening, I started taking two Xanax before bed along with my anti-depressant.   Before I knew about the problems being anemic could cause, I chalked everything up to not getting enough "good" sleep at night.  Increasing the Xanax just made everything worse.   Now that I know what the problem is, I'm trying to wean myself off of the Xanax, and to put it in the simplest terms possible, it's hell.    One Xanax is usually enough to make me pretty drowsy, but I wanted to get myself to a deep sleep and stay that way.  So if one is good, I reasoned that two must be better.    Well, I never claimed to be a genius.  My prescription is for a maximum of three per day.   So I wasn't going over that, but I wasn't doing myself any favors either by taking two at bedtime. 

So, now I'm taking Melatonin again at bedtime and dealing with the massive anxiety attacks I'm having on a daily basis while trying to get off of the Xanax altogether.     I'm not sure I can do it though.  I'm only leaving the house when I absolutely have to because I have been having panic attacks (Sitting through Gaby's most recent cheer competition this past Sunday was sheer hell!  I don't even take her to tumbling classes any more because of the stress that the fear of the social interactions causes me.) and nothing I'm doing to try and deal with the anxiety in a natural way, seems to be helping.  Hence the reason I haven't been at the Y since becoming really sick.

Xanax has been a daily "Mother's little helper" in my life for the last year.  Between that tiny white pill and my once daily Lexapro, I can get a handle on things and I'm better able to deal with the pressure that social situations place me under.  Right now though?   I kind of want to retreat into my hidey hole again.   I don't socialize unless someone comes to me and initiates conversation.  I don't return phone calls or emails.  And I'm beginning to obsess over what everyone thinks about the "outer" me.  

It's weird though because I'm not despondent nor am I worried about not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm not having any really dark thoughts at this point.  It's not the blackness this time.  What it is, is the overwhelming anxiety.   If I don't get it under control, it's going to lead me back down the path I don't want to travel again, under any circumstances.

For the most part I'm happy.  I have to work at it, but overall, I'm happy.  However, I can start to feel the tiny spider-leg like cracks that the anxiety causes, start to chip away at that happiness.   I'm not sure I can manage without the Xanax.   I used to think I couldn't live without Coca Cola and that if I didn't start my day with a glass of frosty cold, sugary goodness, I'd feel like crap.   Obviously, I'm doing just fine without that stuff in my system.   

But...

I don't know if I can do the same with the Xanax.   I'm starting to worry that all these little hairline cracks are going to end up shattering me completely if I don't get the anxiety under control.  And, I don't know if I can handle admitting that I might have a problem with prescription pills.   This is the one thing I've never wanted to happen - to be so completely reliant on a medication that I have horrible issues when trying to get off of it. 

Consumed

I've only processed (I shot everything when we were in Maine, in RAW rather than JPG and for some reason I'm moving slower than molasses going up hill in January when it comes to converting the images over so that I can post them to the blog) a handful of photos from our trip.  So bombing you with photos is going to have to wait until tomorrow. 

Also?  I can't sit still.    Why?  Because I'm consumed with what lurks out there on the horizon.   There are some potentially really amazing things happening both personally and professionally in our lives.  Gareth has strictly forbidden me from talking about  a couple of them and that's OK.  I don't want to jinx anything.   Suffice it to say, we're in a very good place right now, regardless of what direction we head.  I know, way to be cryptic.  Sorry. 

It's amazing, the things that can happen in your life if you'd only open yourself up to letting them happen!   Does that make sense?   How many times have you said, "I swear, I have the worst luck!  Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?"    Do yourself a favor here and now, don't ever say that again.  Don't even think it.   Start focusing on the things you want to happen and don't even open yourself up to the possibility of anything negative happening.   I'm not saying you'll never ever have another bad day again, but the less opportunity you give the negative energy to plant itself in your life, the more opportunity you open up to receive whatever blessings God/The Universe/The Powers That Be want to bestow upon you. 

I know I know...I sound like one of Oprah Winfrey's New Age Life Coaches.   Maybe I do, but I'm telling you here and now, that your life and the energy you send out, comes back.  I don't know how to articulate it any better than that.   If you spend any time at all bemoaning the bad luck that seems to fall in your lap on a regular basis, guess what?  You're going to get more of what you perceive as bad luck.   However, if you just take a little time each day to shut out the negative, focus on the solutions or how to achieve the solutions you want, rather than only the problems, you'll start seeing  changes.   They might only be small at first, but I promise you, your attitude and the energy you put out there, determines what you receive back.

Friends, jobs, cars, pets, homes, money, love, objects of all shapes and sizes . . . they come and they go.  How you react to those departures and arrivals makes all the difference in the world.    That's not to say I didn't mourn the recent loss of our cat, Griffy,  or of a close friendship that ended.  I did.  But I didn't sit here and tell myself that I have crappy luck or that I attract crazy people.  I didn't even allow those thoughts space in my head or in my own personal universe.   The very same former friend recently made a remark about my photography not being anything close to professional.   It was like I didn't even flinch when I read what she wrote.   I choose to focus on what is rather than what someone else might think isn't.   I made a conscious choice to not let her opinion change anything about how I feel about what I enjoy doing.    Conscious choices often become habits.  Don't let that little point escape you!

I chose to let go of the anger at the anonymous person who hit and killed our cat, Griffy.   Hanging onto it won't bring him back.  Instead I'm basking in the bright furry, ginger glow of the wonderful memories of him being a part of our family.

Focus on what you have rather than what you don't have.  Focus on what you desire in your life and take the steps to making those desires become physical realities.

In the past couple of weeks, I've let my eating slide a little bit.  While I haven't gained a single pound, I haven't seen the number go down either.   However, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  Why?  Because I know a smaller number is there.  All I have to do is reach out and take it.  It's mine if I'm willing to work for it.   It's just waiting for me to open my arms and embrace it . . .like so many other things in our lives - if we'd just focus on the fact that life is waiting to bless us with the things we desire - waiting for us to accept them; it happens. 

I'm not sitting here telling you that if you close your eyes and tell the Universe you are ready to win PowerBall that when you check the winning numbers tomorrow that you're going to collecting a huge check, but I'm also not telling you it's not going to happen either.     Sometimes we are our own biggest obstacles when it comes to obtaining the things we want and desire.   And sometimes the things we want the most, we aren't ready to accept the responsibility for.   That right there is one of the biggest things, other than ourselves, that stands in our way of accepting the goodness and richness that life waits to hand to us;  we simply aren't prepared to handle the responsibility that comes with getting what we want.  Decide that you're up to the task of getting what you what and then go out there and do what it takes to get it!

Stop being so consumed with what you don't have.  Consume yourself with the wealth that surrounds you in what you do have and what awaits you. 

Here I sit, consumed with the possibilities that await our family, regardless of what direction we go.  It doesn't make the task of deciding which direction to go, any easier, but I think part of that lies in the fact that I keep seeing bumps in the road that might pop up, rather than focusing on the solutions to what are, in all reality, not really problems at all.  It's all about perspective and attitude. 

Maybe you're sitting there wishing I'd bombed you with all those photos after all?   Perhaps, instead,  I just handed you a gift.   Sit a while and open it -  and yourself - up to all the possibilities tha await if you take that gift and run with it!

 

31 Days of Giving!

Life is an echo.

What you send out - comes back.

What you sow - you reap.

What you give - you get.

What you see in others - exists in you.

Remember, life is an echo.  It always gets back to you.

Sometimes simply hearing the phrase "Holiday shopping season" is enough to send cold chills down your spine, make you break out in an icy sweat, compel you to curl up under the covers until all of the madness has subsided, or even repeat "Bah humbug!!!" over and over at passers by.   It can get a bit crazy.    The pressure to buy your loved ones the perfect gift and the stress that accompanies the cost of doing so can be downright depressing, especially with an economy that has not taken a turn for the better . . . yet.

I actually ventured out on Black Friday with Kim, her sister, and another friend of mine, Kim (I tend to collect Kims, Kellys, and Cindys/Cyndis at an astonishing rate!) after swearing off of Black Friday forever a few years ago when my little toe was broken in what can only be described as a stampede to get their hands on the hottest toddler toys of the season.    That same year my oldest daughter Meg and her friends were trampled at the mall on Black Friday.   I swore I'd never do it again.  However a full tummy and 3/4's of a bottle of wine during Thursday's Thanksgiving celebrations left me vulnerable to peer pressure and I caved and went anyhow.   Gareth was also sitting there prodding me on, "G'on and have fun.  You know you want to!"   They obviously don't do Black Friday in the UK, where Gareth is from! 

When we arrived at the big box store it was still early and it wasn't too frightening.  I was still a bit hazy from the wine.   A shove in the back from a cart followed by a dirty look from the person pushing the cart, sobered me up pretty quickly.  Mind you, I wasn't stumbling-inebriated, but still fairly buzzed.     I tried not to get too irritated with the incident with the cart but I could tell my patience was ebbing rather quickly so I smiled, apologized and got out of the way of the antsy customer.   There was hardly room to move my own cart so I made my way back to electronics and stood there and stared at the numerous flat screen, high definition TV's mounted all over the back wall until I was pushed from that location by patrons wanting to get the best deal on a massive television.

Kim's sister found me in the towel section while I stood there looking for the perfect shade of pink washcloths to go in Gaby's bathroom.    I looked around at the swelling masses of people, pushing their way into the store with determined expressions on their faces . . . Come hell or high water, they were going to get what they wanted.   Kim's sister looked at me and said, "You look like you really feel sorry for all those people.   It's pretty pathetic, isn't it?  It's all about consumerism." 

I wasn't sure if I was sad, angry, overwhelmed, or what exactly I was feeling.  I think sadness is as close as I can get.  I remember when the Christmas season was a genuinely jolly time.   Sure, people were in a  bit of a rush, especially the closer it got to the big day, but for the most part, they were happy.     I think nowadays the economy, the pressure to have as much, if not more, than the Joneses, and the overall emphasis on buy! buy! buy! has put a lot of people into a bad mood, or at least a not-so-jolly one!

While I did find a couple of things that I was looking for, I didn't feel any sort of major joy at saving a few dollars when I know there are people out there who will be placing nary a single thing under their Christmas trees this year, and some might not even be able to afford a tree to trim.   There are others who struggle during the holiday season as it brings grim reminders of better days gone by, the memory of lost loved ones (this is one I myself struggle with), or just a general melancholy fog that descends during what should be a time of joy, merriment, and celebration. 

When my Thanksgiving hangover had passed, I sat down and realized that I wanted this Christmas season to be more . . . more  . . . but I didn't know what sort of "more" I wanted.     While this is indeed the season of giving, I'd hazard a guess that a lot of us are stretched pretty thin right now and the thought of having to give anything else might be too much.    But here's the thing,  you can give something else this season and it doesn't have to cost you a dime!     The greatest gift you can give to another human being is the gift of you.

It's simple.  Here are some great suggestions (OK, so I thought them up myself and I guess I'm patting myself on the back, but you have a chance to chime in and add your own suggestions!) of simple, and often times free, things you can do to brighten someone else's day during this holiday season, and in doing so, you might just bring a little more merriment into your own life!

~Take your neighbor's dog for a walk. 

~Offer to drive an elderly friend or relative to the store and help them with their shopping. 

~Call a friend you haven't TALKED to in ages (Facebook and email do NOT count!) and reconnect. 

~Make breakfast in bed . . . for your kids! 

~Send a Christmas card to a complete stranger. Better yet, send a Christmas card to someone in the military! 

~When filling out your Christmas cards this year, take ONE CARD and SEND it to this address: A Recovering American Soldier, c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center, 6900 Georgia Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20307-5001. (thanks Claire for posting about this on Facebook!)

~Smile at every single person you come across. You'd be surprised how that simple little act can change someone's day! 

~Do your children's chores for one day. 

~Drop an inexpensive Poinsettia off at your local retirement home. 

~If you're able, pay for the person behind you in line at Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts (I find this works better in the drive-through- less awkward!), or the toll booth! 

~Forgive an old grudge. 

~Volunteer at a soup kitchen for an evening. 

~Bake some cookies for your post-person, or other familiar delivery professional. 

~Offer to take a busy friend's children for the afternoon so she can have a bit of time to herself. 

~Give everyone in your immediate family a hug for no reason and remind them how special they are. 

~Tell a co-worker how much you value them. 

~Prepare a romantic meal for your significant other and put a love note on their pillow before bed.

~Prepare a meal for a busy working mom that you know.  This will be appreciated more than you know!

~If you are one of those extreme coupon clippers, why not take some of the excess and drop it off at a local women's/homeless shelter? 

~Have some spare change rattling around in your pocket?  If you're downtown and walking by some parking meters, how about dropping in a few dimes/quarters into some meters that are about to run out? 

~Do you have a child who is learning to read and loves to read?  Why not grab a few books and head out to your local retirement center and spend a little time reading to the residents.  Better yet, have a musically gifted child?  A lot of these homes have pianos in the recreation centers and the residents would enjoy an impromptu concert.  This would be appreciated no matter what sort of (portable) instrument your child plays. 

~Have some clean Mason or Ball jars sitting around?  Why not put all of the dry ingredients for your favorite cookie recipe inside, create a colorful label for the outside of the jar along with the recipe, and then tie it all with a festive ribbon and drop it off anonymously!  

~Host a mani/pedi day for your little girl and a couple of her friends!  The smiles, giggles and general happiness is sure to put a smile on your own face!

~For my blogging friends, comments are so appreciated.  Take some time to leave some thoughtful comments on the blogs you enjoy reading. 

You can add to infinity to this list.  The possibilities are endless.   Has someone done you a kindness?  Pay if forward.   It's such a simple thing to give of yourself.   And it's often the best gift another can receive and the most appreciated.

I'm challenging each of you reading this post to take some time out of each and every day and do something for someone else, no matter how big or small the act.  Just do it.    Then come back and let me know.    I'm going to be posting each day and at the bottom of my post, I'm going to write about what I did, not in the vein of "Oh look how awesome I am!" but more along the lines to encourage you all to reach out and do the same!   I'm going to attack this challenge in an effort to pull myself out of my own little holiday funk and not be sucked into the never-ending aggravation that is all too often present during the holidays.   If enough of us pay it forward and give a little more of ourselves,  we can extend the joy of this holiday season, perhaps throughout the entire year.  And you never know, through your own actions, you might just inspire someone else to do the same.   

In the spirit of kicking off "31 Days of Giving"  I am hosting a $150 VISA gift card giveaway!   

I wish that I could give away ten, twenty or a hundred of these.   Sadly there is only one.   But I'm hoping that it will be just in time for the holidays for whoever wins it!

There are a couple of ways you can enter the giveaway.   The more items on the list you complete, the extra entries you get! 

• Leave a comment for me on this post. 1 ENTRY
• Follow me on Twitter if you aren't already and then Tweet this post to your followers and then come back and leave me another comment with the link to that tweet (clicking on the time stamp on the tweet will take you to the URL of the actual tweet). 1 ENTRY
• Every day that you tweet this post (you can tweet it once a day!) come back and leave me a comment with the URL to the tweet and you'll get another entry! UP TO 9 ENTRIES - the contest ends December 9th at 10PM EST.
• Mention this post on Facebook and then come back and leave me another comment letting me know you did. 1 ENTRY
• This next one will earn you FIVE EXTRA ENTRIES . . . Take the 31 Days of Giving challenge and post about it on your own blog.    Make sure you link back to this post, and if you want to, you can use the graphic above.  Just make sure you come back here and comment with the link to your post!    Then tweet your own post and include/cc @Barking_Mad in your tweet!  5 ENTRIES

You have a total of 17 possible entries for this giveaway.

Contest starts at 12:01AMEST December 1st, 2011.

Contest ends at 10PM December 9, 2011. 

The VISA gift card will be overnighted (sent out December 10th) to the winner.  

All of your entries will be individually numbered and then I'll use the random number generator to choose a winner.   PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ON EACH COMMENT ON THIS POST so that I can contact you in the event that you win!

Now for the boring but necessary legal stuff, AKA the fine print! Void where prohibited...which really is just my fancy way of saying that if you gave birth to me, if I gave birth to you,  if you are a sibling (rivalrous or not), or in any, way, shape, or form related to me, you are not eligible to enter for a chance to win the giveaway.   Dear FCC, no one paid me or compensated me for this post, or the gift cards. They were self-provided!

 Good luck and happy giving!

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