Barking Mad

My Life for the Next 30 Days

Let's remove, from this equation, the fact that we're moving, that I have a massive dissertation due to the IRS (OK it's not really a dissertation, but for all intents and purposes, it sure feels like one.  Oh and remind me to tell you, the IRS thinks I'm funny!  No really, they do!), and that I have a freshly herniated disc in my back ("Bend vit you knees, You be bending vit you back ven lift da heavy box and and you get bulging disc! Ven you bend, BEND VIT YOU KNEES!  That was my nurse, ripping me a new one about, can we all say it together, "BEND VIT YOU KNEES!") .  No biggie, right?

Well, the Zombie Hands of Doom - the Sequel: "Oozing Green Fingers of Destruction" hit my personal screen, and life once again came to a screeching halt.   Stress tends to cause flares of my chronic eczema and the move combined with a couple of other minor issues have caused a flare so epic that I'm pretty sure living life with a hook in place of my right hand would be more pleasant than what I'm dealing with now.  

Take for instance this photo of my thumb. 

I took it last night after they debrided out the raging infection in all the fingers in my right hand. The huge, red, angry spot in the middle?  That was completely swollen to the size of a small grape and filled with...well, filled with YUCK!   I saved the really gross pictures because I don't want to be responsible for any episodes of mass vomiting.  Yeah, they were that bad.  And the scary thing is, they went from "Early flare" to "Massive infection -  CODE RED!!!!" in less than 24 hours.  Scary stuff.   So back to the doctor I went, pretty much stressed to the hilt and completely at the end of my rope with my hands, my back, and life in general.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, in or my case, as short as I can humanly make it which really isn't very short because we all know that I'm a chronic over-sharer who was blessed with an active "verbosity gene" and is also fond of run-on-sentences.  Not only did I get a new asshole ripped last night by Nurse Helga, I was loaded up with so many drugs that I'm not feeling much of anything today...except, oddly better for some reason. 

Instructions from Nurse Helga that I wanted to laugh at, but didn't because I value my body (minus the fat) in it's current configuration:

"You vill not be lifting anythink at all until you get the machining (I later found out she meant MRI) for you back. NO LIFTING. NOTINK!  Dat liftink make you back much vorse!"

"You vill not be vashingk you hands unless you haf a vowel moofment.  Vater not goot for bad hands."

"You vill be taking lots of many pills.   Here haf  da sheet dat tell you how to take the many pills!"

She was not kidding when she told me I would taking "lots of many pills!"

I'd already taken the huge horse pill antibiotic.   Besides, there's already a photo of that ugly thing in the post above, that I linked to. 

They tripled my Prednisone, put me on TWO ANTIBIOTICS - the horse pill has made a reappearance as well as a uber-smelly Rx for Keflex.  You've not lived till you've burped after taking one of those!  That'll clear the room faster than the aftermath of giving Rover a can of beans!

I'm loading myself up with as much yogurt as I possibly can.  We women know the lovely side-effects of massive dosages of antibiotics.  That is something I can not deal with gracefully.  So I'm trying to head that off at the pass if at all possible.  Can I just tell you that Oikos Vanilla Greek Yogurt is wonderful!  So yummy! 

They also gave me a topical steroid cream that sounds curiously like Cyanide.  It's not.  The name just sounds like it.    Then the nice doctor lady gave me more Xanax and the nurse told me the following:

"You needing more Xanak to calm you nerves.  You vill take dis.  Dere nothink wrong vit takink da medicine.  You too crazy anxiety.  Dis make you calm down and den make you hands calm down.  You vill like it. You have 5 year old, no?  Yes, you vill like the Xanak!"

The long and short of it all is that the dosage of Prednisone I'm going to be on for the next 30 days is sort of insane.   I've done the Prednisone Shuffle before but this is just...well, nuts. 

I have to take 6 pills twice a day for 5 days and then 3 once a day for 25 days.   Here comes the 'roid rage and Prednisone pig outs.  That?  I've dealt with that before.  Yes, I am concerned about gaining weight, but I'm also concerned about a lovely little side effect called "Hirsuitism"...just what I need right now. ..to walk around looking like The Wolfman's long lost sister.    No wonder Nurse Helga imparted upon me that the newer dosage of Xanax was so important.  I'm going to have a freaking heartastroke if I wake up and immediately need to shave my face!   Oh yeah, I was stupid and went out and Googled the side effects of massive dosages of Prednisone.  I saw a photo of a lady that could have been Michael J. Fox's stunt double in "Teen Wolf"!

**********

Hirsuitism be damned!  I woke up this morning feeling not-so-bad.  My hands are still a mess but the swelling seems to be going down.  My back, amazingly isn't the agonizing tear-inducing hell that it's been.  I was told that the Prednisone might help reduce the swelling around the herniated disc.  Score! 

And I was a good girl and took the Xanax and ya know?  I'm going to FINALLY stop beating myself up for needing a little help from that stuff.   I don't feel nearly as panicked or like I'm literally at the end of my rope.   I'm attacking the packing that I can do ("You not be liftink anythink!") and dealing with things, for once, without having a nervous breakdown in the process.   Yes, I still have a ton of work ahead of me when it comes to dealing with the things that stress me rather than letting the stress deal with me.  But ya know, big deal!  I'm taking Xanax.  It's not the end of the world and I need to stop acting like I should be Super Woman.  It's OK.  Really it is.  It's finally starting to sink in the I'm not inferior because I need a little pharmaceutical help.

Well OK, and it doesn't hurt that a little sugar helps the medicine go down!   Alright alright....in this case, a lot of sugar, in the form of imported Mexican Coca Cola!   Love the stuff.  I have one a day.  NO HFCS in it and it tastes the way a real genuine Coca Cola should taste.  And for now,  I'm not going to beat myself up about it...or the lovely white glove I have to wear for the next 30 days.  Small children every where will thank me...the sight of that hand is not pretty!  Hell, maybe I'll bedazzle it (I have several of them actually!  I could get really silly with some of them!) and learn to do the moon-walk!

My life for the next 30 days?   It's gonna be OK.   If I have anything to say about it, it will be more than just OK...it will be great!  On that note, I'm off to have a Coke and a smile and get on with the rest of my day! 

Housecleaning...the Emotional Kind

I've been doing a lot of physical housecleaning lately while trying to pack up and get us moved into the new house.   However, there have been some "emotional" housekeeping duties that I have become very lax at and someone close to me reminded me that when dealing with the "Emotional Fat" and trying to work through all of that in order to lose the physical fat, there are regular housekeeping duties that one needs to do in order to rid their lives of the stuff that clutters up and keeps them from truly healing.  Similar to the way that cobwebs, dust and other day-to-day detritus builds up in our homes and can prevent us from living in a clean home, keeping the emotional detritus at bay is just as important to as the physical.

For the longest time I've been the kind of woman who didn't care enough about herself to defend herself against the people who don't have her best interests at heart, have lied to her, have walked all over her, or who have treated her like she was inferior.    I've never really thought enough of myself to stand up to the people who have done this to me.

The same person who reminded me about the emotional housekeeping told me that these are the same exact people who have helped keep me in my own valley of shadows and fear, self-deprecation and hatred and who have pushed me to the point believing so little in myself that I've seen no other path but to eat myself into an early grave.   Much like the way in which an alcoholic or drug addict has friends and influences in their lives which not only enable them and are bad influences, and then the addict realizes that in order to recover they need to cut all ties with those in their lives who hold a negative sway over them, I need to do the same.  

I've probably used way too many words that turned into run-on sentences in order to say this...

If you've lied to me, threatened me, belittled me, demeaned me, let someone absuse me, never believed in me, took advantage of me, broken my trust in you; or are the kind of person that wants to keep me down in order to make your own pathetic life seem more superior, take notice - we're done.  

I don't want you in my life.

I don't need you in my life.

I deserve to be surrounded and to surround myself with people who can see beyond the nose on their own face and are not so self-involved as to not notice the bigger picture and the world around them.  I deserve to show my daughter - the one I still have a chance of raising the right way - that I care enough about myself to include people in my life that are emotionally healthy and not those who bring me down or constantly cause me stress.

I don't deserve to put myself through the emotional hell I have been because your presence in my life sucks all of the happiness out of it.    While I don't wish you ill or hate you, I don't want the negativity that allowing you in my life brings to me and mine. 

I realize that there are those who will think that I am incredibly selfish for doing this.  You know something?  They're right.  It's about time I was selfish enough to do something like this for myself.

**********

Speaking of life-lessons, I recently reviewed a book for BlogHer's Book Club that dealt with that exact topic! 

I am a huge Jane Austen fan and have been reading (several times!) her novels since I was a young girl.   When the opportunity to review "A Jane Austen Education"  by William Deresiewicz came up, I jumped at the chance.   Did I love Deresiewicz book as much as I thought I would?  Find out by heading on over to my review and find out!

Feed the Pig

If it's Tuesday, that must mean it's time for another post. 

I really did mean to start posting more, but last week was sort of a cluster**** leading up to Memorial Day Weekend when we were insane enough to have our first ever yard sale.  

We decided to sell everything.  Well OK, not everything but damn near!   We had intended to have a pretty massive yard sale anyhow, but because our financial need was pretty huge, and the house we're moving into is pretty small (think tiny house living, except with maybe 500 more square feet than the Tumbleweed I linked to.  For us, that's a huge deal because we went from 3700 sq ft in Maine to 2200 sq. ft.  here in NY and now we're moving into a home that's roughly 900 sq ft.  Thank gosh it has a full basement and garage - something we don't currently have!)  and we have a lot of stuff that we don't need and had to get rid of, including...

Our dining room table and 6 chairs that we bought less than two years ago.

Solid Oak futon and brand new mattress .

Dressers.

Book shelves.

Coffee table.

Entertainment unit.

night stands.

200+ DVD's.

150+ books.

4+ years worth of baby and toddler clothes.

Brand new swing that Gaby used once and hated.

Pack N Play.

Nealy new car seat and high chair.

And hundreds of other things that we've accumulated over the years and really have no use for.

We just had no clue what we were in for when it came to organizing something like this, especially when the weather was iffy and we had furniture that was cumbersome and heavy to move.   I can tell you, without hesitation now that it's all said and done, I won't ever undertake anything like this anytime soon again!

Don't get me wrong, we needed to get rid of everything we did.  Not only will we not have the room for a lot of this stuff, but we hadn't used a lot of it in ages.   Most important of all, by selling it to people who could use it, we made up almost all of the financial need we still had, outstanding.  We're only a little under $300 shy of where we need to be and I have faith that we'll be able to pull the rest of it together.

Despite the stress and strain, not to mention utter brain and physical drain of the weekend, we were blessed not only in a financial way, but a huge blessing came in the guise of meeting someone who can only be described as an angel.  A very funny, very generous (she bought ALL of our big ticket items...even when we put out new stuff, she bought it!) , kind and serendipitous soul who happened to come across our yard sale, but who was really more of a kindred spirit than anything else.  "AC" not only helped our family out in a huge way, but she put my mind at ease about the new school district we're moving into and helped reassure me that even though we were moving out of one of the best school districts in NY, the school system we are moving into is just as good!  

AC also confirmed my impression of our new neighborhood as one of little to no pretension and very friendly.    That's the one thing we have not had here and the thing I think has made my adjustment to life in NY so hard...too much pretension and zero sense of neighborhood where we live.  

I wish you all could have met AC.  There's just something wicked-special about this woman that you can't help but be drawn to.    She has a charisma and joy that I haven't seen in a long time and one that I'd love to be able to emulate myself.

The weekend also brought out the entrepreneur in Gaby! 

She wanted to have a lemonade stand during the yard sale but I was hesitant to do that so I suggested she sell bottles of water, pop, and fruit flavored water packs.   And ya know what?  The kid has some mad sales skills!

I made a deal with her that she could keep half of the profits from her "Icy Cold Drinks" table.  Well that was the original plan.  I gave her $22 on Sunday and she was so excited to "feed her pig" and I was so wooed by the huge smile on her face, that I gave her all of the profits...all $44 were hers to keep.  She did such a great job on both Saturday and Sunday with absolutely no coaching from Gareth or me.  She asked almost everyone she came across how they were.  She smiled and then she asked them if they'd like a cold drink...it was such a hot day and she had lots of icy cold drinks.   I don't know about you, but I would be hard-pressed on a day when it was nearly 90F outside, to resist the smile on her face, or her charm. 

I also let her make the choice to either take her money and spend it on two of the new Monster High dolls she doesn't have but wants, or save it for a while and get something even better down the line, or keep saving her money for however long she wants.  I reminded her that once she's spent her money, unless she does something to earn more money, it's gone.    We've really been trying to instill financial prudence in Gaby because this kid wants every thing she sees!  She is especially interested in the above mentioned Monster High dolls, and lately, clothes! 

So, what did she decided to do...?

Take a look!

She loves her pig and wants to it grow fat and big and healthy! 

Gaby also told us that she wants to take her pig to the "big people bank and put it in a giant pig there!"  You have no idea how happy that made us, especially considering up until the past couple of years, Gareth and I were a couple who always had a healthy cushion in the bank.  We hope in time, to rebuild that.  I can't even, nor do I want to, begin to imagine how much worse things could be for us if we didn't have that cushion there when we did.  Especially after Gareth lost his job and in the midst of ongoing medical bills, a move and adjusting to the outrageous prices of everything, here in NY.     While there was absolutely nothing that could have prevented us from being where we are now (well, that's not true...we threw good money after bad by trying to keep the house in Maine despite a poor market, no rental market and having to pay rent and expenses here in NY at the same time!),  we were fortunate that the money we did have, held out until the end of 2009. 

So here I sit, late at night, sun burnt from a weekend spent hawking a lot of stuff (because seriously, that's all it is!  It's stuff.  Stuff we don't need and that someone else who doesn't have a lot of money to spend, could use!), sore from moving incredibly heavy furniture, and wondering what life without a table to eat on is going to be like...but I'm happy.  Most of all, I'm blessed.  Blessed in a way that I haven't felt in a very long time.   More than that?  I'm blessed because I'm finally regaining the ability to realize that I am blessed in ways that are so much more important than the material, superficial and outward. 

**********

As a small aside, yes I did take down the "ChipIn" widget after only one...ONE complaint from "Savannah" in or around Saint Meinrad, IN.   It was enough to make me not really want to deal with anymore "Savannah's" or anyone else that might have come over as a result of me calling out a certain prolific blogger for her lapse in judgement and potentially careless and reckless handling of animals.  

This  particular blogger who has stated over and over again that her goal is to be as Christ-like as possible and to live a more Godly life, then went and mocked the people who commented out of a genuine concern for these animals (one of which was less than TWO WEEKS out from major surgery) she was taking on a willy-nilly road-trip across the US, and openly allowed her commenters to use obscenities when describing those people who were expressing their trepidation over her judgement - including myself.   You then come over here in the droves (I deleted most comments as they were demeaning, defamatory and a couple mocked my older children), and judge me for reaching out and asking for help?   

Rather than deal with any more of her devoted followers, I took the widget down.  I have enough stress and don't want to have my own ethics called into judgement.  I was skeptical about putting it up there in first place, especially when I had witnessed the vitriol slung at other writers and bloggers who had done something similar.    Those close to me said I should have left it up and perhaps they were right.   However, I took it down anyhow. 

Gareth and I are so incredibly grateful for those who "chipped in" not only because of their generosity, but because they know the in-depth story of everything that's gone on and why the need was there in the first place, unlike the "Savannahs" of the world, who don't know jack shit about my family's life or what led us to be where we are.

At the end of the day, it's all good.  Whether it's God, The Universe, or The Powers That Be...we're going to be alright.  Every little thing is going to be alright.