Barking Mad

I'm Pretty Sure Social Media is Going to be the Death of Me, or at Least Cause me to Have a Heartastroke!

Alright, I'm crying Uncle! I never thought I'd see the day when Iwould wave the white flag and completely surrender to the fact that I am a Social Media Flunkie (SMF)!  Of course, there's always the chance that adult-onset ADD could play a part in this, but we'll leave that discussion for another day and just cover the fact that I'm a huge SMF!

You can't have a pulse in the blogging community and not be overwhelmed on a daily basis by all the blogs, sites, conferences and people telling you how you should be utilizing every aspect of social medial available to you, to grow your blog/business.   I'm not gonna lie, I want people to read my blog.  But more than that, I want more than just other bloggers (and this is where I'm probably going to be flayed alive, or crucified, or ostracized from the blogging community as a whole!  Or hell, maybe all THREE!),  to read my blog.  I want to build my audience! 

I want an audience of people who care about what I have to say, are entertained, maybe educated (or in turn, can educate me from the feedback in the comments or email), and want to follow the story of how I am changing my life in order to save it...as well as the occasional fluffy cat posts, raging rants, and the sporadic photo-bomb post filled with pictures of my gorgeous children.  So now that we have that straight, I guess I can just come right out and say that I want to conquer the world!  Well, alright, that's sort of being a smart-ass about things, but I really would love to have a network of readers who I know appreciate, are entertained, moved, or inspired by my words.  If that makes me a complete narcissist, so be it.

Here's the thing I absolutely abhor about this whole blogging thing though...it's all the bits and pieces that are so interconnected with it.  It's driving me nuts.   It's assumed out here that you have the same goals as every other woman (or in more and more cases, man) who sits down at her computer and decides she wants to be the next Heather Armstrong (Dooce) or Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman), and come hell or high water, you're going to do it!  So, accordingly there are a million sites out there that are going to tell you how to attain blogging Nirvana.  They're going to suggest you become a corporate whore and shill your words for free products, or paid posts or trips to DisneyWorld/Land, or even blogging conferences...but you have to follow the "plan" and know your "brand" which, oddly enough tries to mimic all the successful blogs out there. In doing so, these organizations/people/companies want you to pimp them via Twitter, Facebook and your blogs.   I'm really no one to talk, because hey, look to your right and you'll see that I'm part of BlogHer's advertising network...The point I'm trying to make is that a lot of these sites want you to think there's some sort of cookie cutter recipe you can follow in order to get to the top of the dog pile and by spending an inordinate amount of time on Twitter or Facebook, you'll get there even faster.  

Whatever happened to being unique and original and telling your own story?  Believe me, your words, told in your own voice have a power that can't be copied.

The thing about those successful blogs...the women behind them are, for the most part, talented writers, or there has been something that's happened in their lives to bring them attention or even in some cases, success.  It's their words, or their circumstances that keep people coming back.  Each blogger is unique and the honest-to-God truth is that you can't replicate that.  You have to get by out here on your own merits and not by copying what you think is going to drive traffic to your site, and sometimes that includes pimping yourself out on all these other social media sites!

I've used Twitter, well probably over-used it to promote blog posts.  I try and not pimp posts more than twice, but sometimes I get a little attention-whore'ish and want the traffic, so I'll toss the link up there one more time.  With Facebook I post the link to new posts once, and the Networked Blogs posts it again.  I do actually get a lot of traffic from Facebook, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I've got a lot of friends and family that use Facebook as a "feed" or "reader" of sorts...they aren't bloggers and don't know anything about feed-readers/RSS feeds and rely on me slapping that link up there.  So I'm not likely to stop using it anytime soon.  However, I need to get my ass off of Facebook in general, and stop lollygagging out there.   There are those who would disagree with me though.

Certain marketing gurus think that in order to have a successful blog, you need to be networking every available minute of the day on Facebook or Twitter and I just don't have the patience for that kind of thing, especially not when I can use that time to insert both feet into my mouth by posting dumbass things on my husband's Facebook wall like, "Please bring me some wood tonight!"   I'm sure you can imagine the comments that earned me.  What I meant to say was, "Sweetie, I am freezing my rather large posterior off, and seeing as how we haven't chopped that wood outside the deck, can you stop and pick up a bundle of firewood on your way home from work?"   Instead, I ended up with a huge group of people thinking I wanted him to bring home the kind of wood you burn in bed, rather than in the fireplace.  Sorry mom, for the mental image.

Then there's Twitter.   I have a serious love-hate relationship with Twitter.  I've asked countless people who are marketing managers and social media directors for their organizations if Twitter really is important, for someone like me - if it's important that I maintain a presence out there?  The answer was a resounding YES! However, this is me we're talking about... The Queen of Verbosity.  Having micro-conversations (140 characters or less), out there is not something I'm good at.   Occasionally I strike up the rare conversations with some incredibly beautiful, talented and intelligent women, but those are few and far between.  Plus, I am not part of the ongoing conversation between the Twitterati - also known as the "A-listers" in the blogosphere.  And if you haven't already gotten the memo, if you don't have their attention, you don't have anyone's attention!  

Seriously though, I'm OK with not having their attention.  I can't keep up out there anyhow.  Hell, half the time I forget to check my "@" replies until a month later.   Then there's the issue of not following back everyone who follows me and Oh-my-freaking-God...there's no way I can do that!  I can't keep up with the 700+ people I follow anyhow.   I feel bad enough as it is that I get out there and don't thank those that do follow me, with a personal DM.  Then there's the guilt that I'm not holding up my end of the mommy-blogging credo by not tweeting every frigging thing that goes on around here during the day.

For instance, I was wiping Gaby's bum yesterday and she asks me, "Mommy, how much longer do you think you'll be wiping my bottom?" 

I looked at her and said, "Are you telling me you're finally ready to start wiping it yourself?" 

Gaby thought about it for a minute and then pulled her panties up, flushed the toilet and said, "Well, I'm not even 5 yet, do you think we could maybe wait till my birthday before I try this on my own?"

Do you know what the very first thought in my head was, after this exchange?  "OMG should I tweet this, or put our conversation as my new Facebook status message?"   Of course I didn't, but all those "in the know" would probably have suggested that I should have.  Hell, I don't even like texting, because HELLO...160 characters just pisses me off!  I can't be that concise and I refuse to sink to the level of every 15 year old out there and resort to "text talk."   Not only that, but not everyone out there needs to know that there may be a chance that I'll be cracking open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate my emancipation from wiping my daughter's bum!  By all accounts, my failure to alert the Twittersphere and Facebook crowd about this exchange between Gaby and me has deemed me an SMF!

The fact of the matter is, I don't feel like slapping my "brand" all over God's green (or is it Al Gore's)  universe/internet.  I don't even know what my brand is.  This blog is me.  I'm not a brand...or maybe I am.  I don't know.  What you see is what you get.  I'm too lazy and just too apathetic to maintain the dialogue out there, that those, "in the know" say would make me a success.  I want my words to carry my weight...my words out here.  I can't convey, in 140 words or less, my story and frankly, I'm pretty tired of having every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there who have self-published a book on SEO, telling me I need to Tweet this or that, or annoy my friends and family on Facebook with my networking attempts.

This is my blog, my space out here to reach out, to vent, to just be.  I'm not some MLM hack trying to build my pyramid.   There's no sin in wanting to try and earn a little bit of a living from my words, and if this gives me the boost to do that, so be it.  But I'm not going to follow the recipe of someone who's never been there and only thinks they know how I could become the next Dooce, or Pioneer Woman.  I don't want to be them. 

I don't want to be anyone but who I am.  

I write because my soul feels better when I do...not because I want WalMart, Nestle, or McDonald's (I'm NOT dissing the wonderful women and writers who are part of their collectives!), to add me to their select groups.   I write because I think I'm good at it.   I write because I have a story to tell and I'm entirely positive that I am not coordinated enough to do that and write about my experiences with X.Y. or Z.  That's not to say I haven't tried, but it's not really what I like, or what I'm good at.  I'm simply calling a spade a spade.

At the end of the day, I can't keep up with all this social media.  I hate feeling guilty for not responding to each and every status update of the 1500 people on my Facebook friend's list, or replying to everyone I follow on Twitter.   I'd rather spend that time reading your words, and building the conversation that way, rather than trying to squish all of that into 140 characters or less.

Maybe I have this all wrong.  Perhaps I spend a little more time networking in order to build my blog.  But I just wonder if by doing that, I'm "preaching to the choir" so to speak?  How do our conversations grow any louder, or reach a bigger audience if we're just networking to one another?

With my luck, I've probably just burned every bridge I've built, out here.

  

Jumping on the "Stream of Consciouness" Bandwagon

  

image credit

I had a post about breastfeeding (I am very passionate about this issue and after a couple of recent really heated breastfeeding-related topics in Bloggywood, I finally got pissed off enough to just say, "the hell with it!" and write my own!), but I was overcome with an overwhelming urge, after reading this post, by the gorgeous, funny, and oh-so-very-talented Marcy, to just go with what was rumbling around in my head.

I've seen a lot of posts lately that are written in the stream-of-consciousness mode, and whilst I'm not exactly sure I get what that really means, I'm just going to run with whatever my own interpretation is and follow the words that are in my heart and mind. 

I'll preface this by saying that what I'm about to toss out there might be rambly and at times, incoherent.  A lot of that is due to almost debilitating insomnia I have been dealing with lately.  For the last couple of months I have been unable to sleep...well, unable to fall asleep.  I usually don't crash until almost 3, sometimes 4AM.  I'm to the point now where I am going to go and see someone about it. I've put it off out of fear of being put on Ambien or something similar.  I had an absolutely awful experience with Ambien when I was hugely pregnant with Gaby and unable to sleep.  I can't risk any Ambien-hangovers in the morning either.  Being present, really and truly present for Gaby, is just too important. One of my biggest hurdles right now, in trying to take care of myself, is to stop drinking so much soda, especially Coke.  Especially in the evenings and I'm sure that doesn't help the insomnia either...although even on the evenings when I drink no soda, sleep still evades me. 

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I think I'd almost rather have a drug problem right now.  I know the soda isn't helping the insomnia, but it's a sonofabitch to get rid of.  It's literally the first thing I think of in the morning and if I could survive on Coca Cola and nothing else, I probably would.  The more stressed I get about trying to cut back on soda and eliminate it altogether, the worse my addiction becomes.  A few weeks ago I was down to one 16oz bottle a day...if even that much.  Often times I'd open one and get 2/3 through it and just forget about the rest of it and slam as much water as I could the rest of the day.  Now I'm back to 2-3 bottles of Coke a day.

See, I told you it was a 'stream of consciousness' type of thing.  Everything is just coming out of my head and through my finger tips.

One of the things that struck a chord with me in Marcy's post was when she mentioned "...Need to stop running in circles trying to make friendships with people who clearly have no time or space in their life for anything other than acquaintance level friendships."  I am so guilty of doing exactly that!  Especially when it comes to Bloggywood and the psuedo-friendships I've been forming over the past three years that haven't really been friendships at all, yet something akin to a mere acquaintance.  I think I've been too focused on trying to befriend the people that everyone else tells me I need to know, in order to get ahead out here.  You know what?  I don't really give a damn!  That's right, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! 

I'm tired of living my life based on what everyone else says I should be doing, especially people who don't really know me, or don't want to take the time to get to know me!   I want real, lasting friendships with the people I respect, who make me laugh, who I can relate to and who share a piece of themselves that draws me in and makes me genuinely want to get to know them on a deeper level.  I'm tired of having people in my life (and this probably extends to those in my everyday, offline life as well!), who are only interested in being here when it benefits them and not because they truly crave anything deeper than that.  This includes the people who don't think I know that they've stabbed me in the back, shared my personal emails to them with others who in turn have gone and said some of the most heinous things about me to others...I know about it but for some reason I just haven't been able to cut you out of my life.  Well, that's going to change!

I know some of you might think this has to do with me applying to be on The Biggest Loser...but it doesn't, not really.  When I was able to finally get to the point where I could put the video together and accept the help that one of the most wonderful, funny, and beautiful women in the entire world offered, that's when I knew I'd turned the corner and that eventually, I'll be OK...actually, I'll be better than OK, I'll be damned awesome!  When I realized that I was able to accept Jessica's offer of help without obsessing about what she thought about me, and that I honestly wanted the help, that's when I knew I had gotten past living under this self-imposed rock I've been curled up under for nearly three years! In the bargain, I ended up making a wonderful, genuine friend!  OK, so our late-night phone conversations are probably not helping my insomnia, but what the hell!  Women like Jessica are worth a mine full of the rarest diamonds and to be able to call her a friend means the world to me! Sleep be damned.  Besides, I can sleep when I'm dead!

Even if I don't make it onto The Biggest Loser (and from here on out, I'm not going to talk about it any more, because I won't be able to, if I'm chosen), I know that I'm capable of so much more and I'm worthy of so much better...and that includes friends.  Being open about TBL really and truly showed me who my friends are.  These are the kind of people I want to draw near to me and get to know...not someone who someone else told me I need to read and comment on just because it's going to boost my own popularity! I don't want to be that kind of writer, and I don't want to be that kind of friend either.  

I want to focus on the real, substantial, tangible things in my life and not waste time on going after things that don't add joy, happiness and a real sense of friendship and camaraderie.  I want to be able to look back and smile on my life and not spend any more time regretting the things I chased that didn't really exist to begin with.

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." ~Spencer Johnson~

 

Do I Really Want to be *THAT* Kind of Blogger?

 

I know I know...I said I'd post more photos from Meg's BMT graduation and I am still sorting through all 1500 of them and really REALLY regretting that I shot in dual RAW and JPG mode.  It's takes me twice as long to post-process them and at this point, I'm just about ready to forget playing with the RAW images and go with the JPG's because it's so time consuming and at times, irritating.  I genuinely love taking photos I just find the post-processing part of it, monotonous and at times, difficult.  I suppose it's made more difficult because I find using PhotoShop intimidating in the extreme and would really just prefer to shoot the shot right the first time, rather than having to deal with my white balance, tones, saturation, etc, after the fact.

BMT photos aside, something has been bothering me, eating away at me deep down inside since I got back from Texas.  I can feel it chewing away at my conscience and at times, goading me into doing something that would be less than stellar, and possibly hurtful in the end.

A while back Deb from Bird on a Wire and the brilliant mind behind Girlfriend's Guide to the Business of Blogging asked me to speak at this year's inaugural conference.  She wanted to me to speak about the business of being authentic and I accepted wholeheartedly and embraced the opportunity.  Deb and I talked about the fact that often times I "put it all out there" and she wanted me to talk about that aspect of my blogging and how it's opened me up to the blogging community as a whole and what it means to me personally.  Unfortunately, a mere day before I was supposed to speak, I became seriously ill and was unable to fulfill my commitment to Deb or the conference.  I was heartbroken and disappointed.

It's true, I don't often hold back out here.  Granted, not all parts of my life or that of my family is fodder for the blogosphere, but for the most part, I'm an open book.

I'm blessed to have a marriage that most only dream about and a husband who is not only supportive, loving and attentive, but respectful.  I have a great marriage.  However, that doesn't mean I want to spread the intimate details of my marriage all over the internet.  There are some very prolific bloggers out there who will easily and very openly share the details of their sex lives as easily as they would open their panty-drawers for viewing to a stranger who walked into their home and they're rewarded for their openness by huge readerships and in some cases, financial gain.  Being bluntly honest- some aspects of my life, present and past, are simply none of anyone's business and that includes my sex life! 

Yes, I do bear all when it comes to my battle with depression, morbid obesity and bulimia.  I've discovered that in doing so, I've forged some very dear friendships and let others know they aren't alone.  In return I have gotten some of the most amazing and encouraging emails from others who have been through the depths of hell and survived and support me in my endeavors to do the same. I do not believe for a minute that when the time comes that my youngest child reads my words, or if the time comes when her friends read my words, that it will have any ill-effect on her at all.   My older children read every word I write and have never had an issue with it.  True, there have been a couple of times when I've very openly and abrasively called out a couple of their friends and ya know, that's my right.  They get it. My kids know that I hold nothing back when it comes to their safety and those they associate with.  

Oddly enough, for those of you who recall this post and the outrage and ire it caused amongst the teenagers and young adults out there, I've made amends with the "young lady" and we had a long talk about the impetus for that post.  I never once made light of the fact that she's an incredible young woman, beautiful and talented and one of my favorite people.  It doesn't change my mind about some of her actions, but just the fact that she came to me and wanted to talk to me and spend time with our family before we moved to NY says a lot about who she is as a woman and as a person.  My point is, even posts like that aren't all bad and have their place and often times serve a useful purpose - a purpose that might not be realized for a while but eventually gets the point across. I have very strong opinions and feelings about certain things and you can trust me to express them when the opportunity arises.  That post was just an example of me putting it all out there.

I've connected with other women and parents who have lost children. The bonds are just as real and important as if we'd met at a support group held in the basement of a church.  The only difference being that we found one another via the internet.  

I was able to meet a couple of parents who discovered my blog through my writing about Meg joining the United States Air Force - and embrace them at the BMT graduation ceremonies in Texas.  Together we celebrated the amazing accomplishments our children had made and formed a tight-knit group of parents whose pride was most probably visible from outer space!

In the course of writing about my life in this blog, I've upset plenty of people, pissed off even more,  made people laugh and others cry, inspired some and even made some shake their heads in disbelief. 

I've also had an opportunity to share the jewels in my crown with you...my children.  At times I've written some things that have not been the most flattering when it comes to some of the questionable things they've done.  Oh sure, there are several occasions where I've embarrassed them, but never to the point of humiliation.  I don't think I've ever crossed any lines with my kids though.  We're very open about what I write out here and if there's something they absolutely don't want me to share, it doesn't get shared, which leads me to the conscience niggling issue I'm dealing with right now.  

Oh and believe me, I know that I could become, easily in fact, one of those bloggers who has a readership that envies the elusive "A-Listers"...I could "use my words" to satisfyingly eviscerate a person who made it their goal to make my life hell recently.  I'm sure, that by being very open about this, there are few who wouldn't support my anger and extreme distaste for this person. 

In the end though, what purpose does that serve at all, aside from my own?  All it does is make me feel better about being able to tear a person to pieces and have those who follow me, do the same.  

At the end of the day, I might get more hits and more ad revenue, but the single most important result is how it would hurt someone very close to me and probably alienate me from that person.

And seriously?  Anyone who needs, NEEDS to feel better by making someone else feel smaller or to hurt them intentionally is not someone I want to know or to be part of my life and it's definitely NOT the person I aim to be.

It doesn't mean I'm not tempted. Of course I am.  I've spent the last two plus years reaping the rewards of letting others make me feel like shit and not expressing and feeling the anger that I should have.  The lack of the ability to do this has cost me dearly and turned me into an emotional midget with an eating disorder.  I talked to my therapist about this, this morning, and while she agrees that I have a lot of work ahead of me as far as finding the anger and assigning blame for The Very Bad Thing to the people who deserve it and not to myself, is important, it's not the same as what's happening right now and that I'm not going to be letting this person walk all over me if I don't take the opportunity to verbally shred them.  In fact, it's holding my head high and simply letting it go.

This blogging...this "Business of Being Authentic" is important to me, but more than that, in my goal to always be authentic, I don't want to intentionally hurt those that mean the most to me.   I don't deny that it's a very fine line I walk at times...those of us who blog, all walk it.  Some cross it with ease, others never even see the line to begin with, or alternatively steer as clear of it as possible.  And then there are those of us, like myself, who are always cognizant that it's there and spend a lot of time contemplating the repercussions of crossing it, despite the obvious gains we might earn if we do.  We all have our own definitions of what makes up this line.  One of the most important for me though is to not hurt my children intentionally.  Really, at the end of the day it's not that important.  This person, this thoughtless soul, is simply not that important to me.

So, do I really want to be the kind of blogger who, in an attempt to right a wrong, openly tears down another person, and in the process of doing so, hurts a person she cares about deeply?

No...NO!  I do not want to be that kind of blogger!