Barking Mad

Blown Away

Those two little words hold so much meaning, both negative and positive. 

Despite my overflowing happiness that we have finally found a house to move into (nearby to good friends and well within our budget and more inexpensively heated than our current mayfly-infested lake-front home!) I have been sitting here for the past hour catching up on the news of the devastation in Joplin, MO.   A town literally blown away, and my own reaction...being blown away by the loss, sadness, destruction and...well so much else. 

Trying to find a less expensive home to rent has been so all-consuming lately that I've only paid the slightest bit of attention to the news.  I've been so wrapped up in the constant and all-encompassing frustration of being turned down for home after home, or being asked for triple and sometimes quadruple-security deposits because of the what the foreclosure on our home in Maine has done to our credit, that I haven't noticed that there are people in real, dire need around me...worried about family members they haven't heard from in MO, or mourning the loss of a loved one after the tornado ripped through the town.    The last bit of news I had focused any energy on at all was President Obama's misguided speech about Israel needing to return to the pre-1967 borders.   Once the heat and ire died down inside me, I went back to the business of being upset over trying to find a home.   

Instead of blathering on about our little bit of good fortune - or casting any negativity over it because there is still a financial need there, I'm going to post some information about ways in which you can help those who are in need right now - those who have lost everything and don't even have a clean shirt, or so much as a pair of shoes, or know where they're going to sleep tonight. 

You can donate $10 to the Joplin Relief Fund, via your cell/mobile by texting  “Joplin” to 864833.

If you'd like to volunteer or to look for loved ones, please call 417-659-5464. 

First Responders who would like to help in the relief effort; please call 417-832-9500. 

The American Red Cross -  To make a donation, visit www.redcross.org, call 1-800-RED CROSS or text the word REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation. Contributions may also be sent to your local American Red Cross chapter or to the American Red Cross, P.O. Box 37243, Washington, DC 20013.

Via info found on cbsnews.com: 

Missouri's State Emergency Management Agency links on its website to a page with non-profits that operate in the state and provides tips to avoid scams here:http://www.sema.dps.mo.gov/recover/donations.asp 

Whatever you can do, large or small, please consider doing.   I know it seems like our country has been besieged by disaster after disaster lately, however it's often the generosity of America's people that helps pull her through times like these.   I personally know that my readers have some of the most compassionate and giving hearts out there.   

Gareth joins me in extending our thoughts and prayers to those affected by this tragedy.  

 

Birthin' Babies the Old School Way

Just the mere act of writing the title to this post makes me feel…well, ancient! However, the fact remains that I gave birth to my first child a little more than twenty two years ago. Yes, I said TWENTY TWO YEARS!

In the span of more than two decades since that child made his way into the world, the things that used to be par for the course back then, during labor, are now just a blur in the annals of childbirth.

Reading Rachael’s posts makes me wince sometimes when I think about what an ignorant, uninformed, undereducated (when it came to my body and the process of giving birth), teenager I was.

I was 19 when I gave birth to my first child, Joshua. I was so very excited about this growing baby inside of me and becoming a mommy…until my water broke (“Ewwww! This is sooo, like totally GROSS! Like, I’m going to gag!” were the words I uttered when something that sounded like a balloon popped, between my legs.), and labor began. I was sitting in the car, perched on a pile of towels, as my former husband drove like a bat out of Hell to the hospital, when that first real contraction hit me. I grabbed the handle of the door with one hand, dug my nails into my ex’s arm and...

Continue reading all about my first childbirth experience over at Rachael's blog, where I am guest posting as she has just given birth to baby Daniel...on her bathroom floor!!!! Go on, go over, read my post and show her some MAJOR LOVE!!!!! Congratulations Rachael and welcome to the world, Daniel!

 

Jumping on the "Stream of Consciouness" Bandwagon

  

image credit

I had a post about breastfeeding (I am very passionate about this issue and after a couple of recent really heated breastfeeding-related topics in Bloggywood, I finally got pissed off enough to just say, "the hell with it!" and write my own!), but I was overcome with an overwhelming urge, after reading this post, by the gorgeous, funny, and oh-so-very-talented Marcy, to just go with what was rumbling around in my head.

I've seen a lot of posts lately that are written in the stream-of-consciousness mode, and whilst I'm not exactly sure I get what that really means, I'm just going to run with whatever my own interpretation is and follow the words that are in my heart and mind. 

I'll preface this by saying that what I'm about to toss out there might be rambly and at times, incoherent.  A lot of that is due to almost debilitating insomnia I have been dealing with lately.  For the last couple of months I have been unable to sleep...well, unable to fall asleep.  I usually don't crash until almost 3, sometimes 4AM.  I'm to the point now where I am going to go and see someone about it. I've put it off out of fear of being put on Ambien or something similar.  I had an absolutely awful experience with Ambien when I was hugely pregnant with Gaby and unable to sleep.  I can't risk any Ambien-hangovers in the morning either.  Being present, really and truly present for Gaby, is just too important. One of my biggest hurdles right now, in trying to take care of myself, is to stop drinking so much soda, especially Coke.  Especially in the evenings and I'm sure that doesn't help the insomnia either...although even on the evenings when I drink no soda, sleep still evades me. 

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I think I'd almost rather have a drug problem right now.  I know the soda isn't helping the insomnia, but it's a sonofabitch to get rid of.  It's literally the first thing I think of in the morning and if I could survive on Coca Cola and nothing else, I probably would.  The more stressed I get about trying to cut back on soda and eliminate it altogether, the worse my addiction becomes.  A few weeks ago I was down to one 16oz bottle a day...if even that much.  Often times I'd open one and get 2/3 through it and just forget about the rest of it and slam as much water as I could the rest of the day.  Now I'm back to 2-3 bottles of Coke a day.

See, I told you it was a 'stream of consciousness' type of thing.  Everything is just coming out of my head and through my finger tips.

One of the things that struck a chord with me in Marcy's post was when she mentioned "...Need to stop running in circles trying to make friendships with people who clearly have no time or space in their life for anything other than acquaintance level friendships."  I am so guilty of doing exactly that!  Especially when it comes to Bloggywood and the psuedo-friendships I've been forming over the past three years that haven't really been friendships at all, yet something akin to a mere acquaintance.  I think I've been too focused on trying to befriend the people that everyone else tells me I need to know, in order to get ahead out here.  You know what?  I don't really give a damn!  That's right, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! 

I'm tired of living my life based on what everyone else says I should be doing, especially people who don't really know me, or don't want to take the time to get to know me!   I want real, lasting friendships with the people I respect, who make me laugh, who I can relate to and who share a piece of themselves that draws me in and makes me genuinely want to get to know them on a deeper level.  I'm tired of having people in my life (and this probably extends to those in my everyday, offline life as well!), who are only interested in being here when it benefits them and not because they truly crave anything deeper than that.  This includes the people who don't think I know that they've stabbed me in the back, shared my personal emails to them with others who in turn have gone and said some of the most heinous things about me to others...I know about it but for some reason I just haven't been able to cut you out of my life.  Well, that's going to change!

I know some of you might think this has to do with me applying to be on The Biggest Loser...but it doesn't, not really.  When I was able to finally get to the point where I could put the video together and accept the help that one of the most wonderful, funny, and beautiful women in the entire world offered, that's when I knew I'd turned the corner and that eventually, I'll be OK...actually, I'll be better than OK, I'll be damned awesome!  When I realized that I was able to accept Jessica's offer of help without obsessing about what she thought about me, and that I honestly wanted the help, that's when I knew I had gotten past living under this self-imposed rock I've been curled up under for nearly three years! In the bargain, I ended up making a wonderful, genuine friend!  OK, so our late-night phone conversations are probably not helping my insomnia, but what the hell!  Women like Jessica are worth a mine full of the rarest diamonds and to be able to call her a friend means the world to me! Sleep be damned.  Besides, I can sleep when I'm dead!

Even if I don't make it onto The Biggest Loser (and from here on out, I'm not going to talk about it any more, because I won't be able to, if I'm chosen), I know that I'm capable of so much more and I'm worthy of so much better...and that includes friends.  Being open about TBL really and truly showed me who my friends are.  These are the kind of people I want to draw near to me and get to know...not someone who someone else told me I need to read and comment on just because it's going to boost my own popularity! I don't want to be that kind of writer, and I don't want to be that kind of friend either.  

I want to focus on the real, substantial, tangible things in my life and not waste time on going after things that don't add joy, happiness and a real sense of friendship and camaraderie.  I want to be able to look back and smile on my life and not spend any more time regretting the things I chased that didn't really exist to begin with.

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." ~Spencer Johnson~