Barking Mad

A Piece of My Heart Flies Away Tomorrow

What a way to celebrate Mother's Day...watching Meg leave for the UK, knowing I won't see her for at least a year, possibly longer.  I don't let my mind go to the other possibilities...the ones where I know she'll be going to Iraq not too long after getting settled into her base in the UK.  No, I won't think about that. 

I know I said I was going to post the rest of my breastfeeding but this week is the last I will have had to spend with my eldest daughter for a long time and I just couldn't bring myself to finish writing it when my heart wasn't really in it.

Instead, I've been absorbing every moment of having this brave, strong woman at home with me.  She's so different from the girl I watched pack an overnight bag as she prepared to leave for boot camp back in November.  Her little girl edges have now been honed into strong, defined womanly lines...a woman who knows how to use a weapon in defense of her country and her fellow man.  A woman who spent weeks crawling through the 90F+ sand in the Texas flatlands in order to learn how to ambush the enemy and take down combatant strongholds and grew the kind of backbone some grown men will never have! 

There are tattoos where there was once smooth olive skin...but there is also a mettle to her spirit which makes her stand taller and stronger.   There are now the bright orange embers of cigarettes that rest between her lips instead of school-girl lollypop flavored lipgloss...but there are also oaths of loyalty and commitment that flow with a confident sense of capability.   This child, who grew from but the tiniest seed in my womb, now - some twenty years later, stands proud, determined, and courageous and ready to embrace the adventures that await her and do whatever may be asked of her.

My brain knows all this yet my heart feels the keen pain of a mother about to set one of her own, free...really and truly free, at last.  Yet, as I write the words, and then look over them, it just feels like a tangled up jumble coming out of my head and I don't feel adequately equipped to articulate the cyclone of emotions, thoughts and memories going through my head right now.

I'm so excited for Meg, yet I grieve for the past that we never fully experienced because I wasn't there for 8 years, and I think that my regret over the errors and mistakes I've made, keeps me from genuinely being able to completely let go.  But then, when do mothers ever really let go? 

Despite my inner emotional tug-o-war, I'm coveting every moment of having her close to me, and laughing like a fool at the antics of she and her friends who have come all the way from Maine, Massachusetts and western New York to spend these last stateside days of hers, with both Meg and her family. 

More than all of that, I want her to soak up this time of acting silly, staying up all night, cramming four bodies onto one small air mattress, eating too much junk, and laughing...especially the laughter. There will be time for the business of being an adult, in the days, weeks and months to come.  Right now  I want her to cram as many of these crazy-fun moments in and to hold them close and revel in the light of these times and then be able to call upon them during times when the darkness and harsh edges of the world surround her. 

 

   

 

I want her to...

...remember sitting on the shore with her mom in Maine and just inhaling the salty breeze off of the Atlantic.

...smile when she thinks of Gaby running into to her bedroom with Bunny Bunny Bunny and jumping into bed with her.

 

...laugh when she thinks about having her best friends here at the house and squished around her as they watched Paranormal Activity.

 

...giggle when she remembers wading out into the lake and being splashed by Linda.

 

...feel great about herself when she thinks about how incredibly proud I am of her and how much I love her. 

 

...know how amazing I think she is and how I don't think I could ever ask of myself, the things she is asking of herself and the things her country may eventually ask of her.

My mommy-heart is both bursting with pride and stinging with the pains of letting go.  Only  a mother could experience this sort of painfully happy conundrum. 

 

Next Thing Ya Know, She'll Have Us Up at 3AM Doing Push-Ups!

Meg has informed us that we will in fact, be eating these. Yes ma'am!

 

   

 

   

   

Just wait until you see all the, the...em, errr, ahhhh. well, the crap goodness that's packed inside these things.  I'll post a vlog of the entire ordeal lovely meal once it's all said and done.  We have also been informed that we'll be doing a considerable amount of push ups should we not wish to partake in our government sponsored feast. After all, they're "Warfighter Recommended, Warfighter Tested, Warfighter Approved™"  I guess, if all those warfighters can eat them, then a blogger, her British hubby, and their four year old can manage to choke one down enjoy one as well! 

A lot of you have asked if Meg is enjoying the rest of her leave, here in NY. I'd say so. One of the first things she did was look at our lawn and shake her head...

 

   

Hard to believe it's already Wednesday and by Sunday afternoon she'll be winging her way towards the UK where she'll be stationed until she deploys to the middle east in the next couple of months.  So, we're enjoying every single second of having her home with us.  This is despite the fact that she's had to put up with a whiny mom who has one of the worst sinus colds she's ever had, and a little sister who is so happy to have her big sister home again that she's been bouncing off of the walls almost continuously since Meg stepped foot in the front door.

The drive back from Maine was bittersweet to say the least.  Maine is every bit as special to Meg as it is to me and she was hit by the realization that she probably won't be back in the lobster state for two or three years. 

On the way back towards NY, on Sunday morning, Meg and I climbed all over the rocks at Nubble Light in York, and then just sat there and inhaled the salty sweet perfume of the Atlantic ocean and didn't need to say much because we were both thinking the same thing...how much we hated leaving.

   

At some point our goal is to make Maine our real home again.  I don't know when, but I do know that we will.  Until then, no matter where we are Meg, you always have a home with us...we'll do our best to make "home" wherever we are!

 
P.S. I know I was supposed to post Part II of, "It's Just a Boob" today.  I completely forgot.  It'll be up later tomorrow! 

Stop Sweating the Small Stuff!

I can't even begin to count the number of times over the last couple of months I've made mountains out of what are really little more than the smallest of molehills.  At times, I think I do this to avoid the bigger picture, other times I think it's just a knee jerk reaction because it's the way I've always done things.

So, when I clicked on a this recent picture on Meaghan's Facebook profile, I very nearly had a heartastroke!

 

Meaghan told me a while back that she was going to be getting a tattoo once it was permissible (there is some sort of rule in the USAF about when you can get them, where they can be; that sort of thing) but that it would be small and in an inconspicuous place.  She knows that I'm not really fond of them.  This goes back to her dad (my first ex-husband) and the fact that when our marriage was at the tail end he started getting lots of tattoos.  LOTS OF THEM.  They weren't artistic, or pretty...just tasteless, tacky and trashy.  I've had a thing against tattoos ever since.

Don't get me wrong...there are a lot of people in my life that I love dearly who have not just one tattoo, but many.  I might not like the tattoos, but it doesn't change the way I feel about the person underneath the ink.  I do think there are some really artistic and brilliant tattoos out there.  My ex-husband's aren't among those.  

When I saw the picture of Meaghan's tattoo the first thing that flashed through my mind (immediately after I saw the EMT's trying to resuscitate me after a cardiac arrest...I apparently didn't get to the baby aspirin fast enough!), were my former husband's tattoos.  And then I "accidentally" found out (through yet another Facebook photo that someone else had posted of my daughter), that there was another tattoo gracing Meaghan's body. 

 

I immediately sent Gareth out to the drug store for more baby aspirin and sent Meg a text message pretty much saying, "WTF?!?!?!?!"  Meaghan responded with, "Oh yeah, I was going to tell you about the other one..." I shot back, as fast as my thumbs could move across my cell phone, "When?!?!?  When Gareth is spooning applesauce into my mouth and wiping my ass because a massive stroke has left me unable to do either of those things myself?!?!!" 

The tattoos weren't exactly small, or in inconspicuous places.  Meaghan phoned me and we talked about the tattoos and I felt marginally better once she told me that she had gotten ripped a new one by her Commanding Officer (and was eventually told, because the tattoos were both religious and meaningful, that she was good to go.), and she mentioned that the tattoos were important to her.  I figured if she had already gotten reprimanded by her CO, she didn't need another one from me...but I did manage to throw in a few, "Are you intentionally trying to kill me?", "Do you know what this does to your poor mother!", "You're going to regret this when you're old and wrinkled and no one can make out just what the hell they say!"  I had to make sure I got a few of those choice momisms in or I could easily be accused of slacking on the job.

I took a few deep breaths...in and out, in and out.  Then I started looking through a bunch of photos I have on Facebook of Meaghan.   She is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful creatures on the face of the earth.  I'm her mom, I can say that.  I also happen to think it's true.  I just hated the fact that she got the tattoos and that they were huge!  I was scanning through photos like this one...

 

and this one, her Senior Portrait that I took,

 

...and then this one, taken the same day I took her and Katie's Senior Portraits. This reminded me of what a free spirit my daughter is...

 

And then I came across this photo...

 

If that one wasn't enough to stop me in my tracks, I saw this one that she took for me so I could see what she looked like in her Air Force ABU's...

 

I couldn't help but giggle when I passed this one, of Meaghan and her USAF Tech School BFF, Justine, in their "BCG's"...Birth Control Glasses!

 

The photos of Meaghan in her Air Force blues and then in her ABU's was a shocking reminder of how much of an adult she really is and that as an adult, she's going to make choices I don't agree with, but in the bigger picture, those choices don't diminish the amazing person that she is.  She graduated BMT (boot camp) in the top of her flight, she busted her ass, and continues to do so every single day, for those she loves and a country she takes great pride in! 

Two tattoos do not negate the amazing woman that she is or the extremely hard job that she strives to excel at every single day.  And honestly, it doesn't make her any less beautiful in my eyes.  I take tremendous pride that Meaghan is my daughter and that she's out there busting her ass for her country.

Besides, don't you wish every soldier could look as good as Meaghan and Justine do in their ABU's and then pull this off during their down time?

 

These young women get up insanely early every day, put on more than 25lbs of "battle rattle", roll around in the hot dirt and sand, know how to use a machine gun, grenade launcher, and defend themselves and their brothers and sisters in arms, all while getting hardly any sleep, taking classes to help prepare them to better do their jobs, and ready themselves to leave everything they grew up with to head to bases thousand miles away in foreign and sometimes hostile lands.

After a lot of thought and introspection, I've come to the conclusion that I'm the one who needs to grow up and stop making such a mountain out of what is really just a  very small molehill on the landscape that is this life.

Oh sure, I'm grateful too, it could have been so much worse.  Meaghan could have ended up with something like this...

 

 

Meg Asked me to Relay a Messsage to her Fellow Americans

I'm still in the midst of decompressing and sorting through the emotions (pride, there is a lot of "mama pride" goin' on around here right now!) of my trip to San Antonio, TX to see Meg graduate from the United States Airforce BMT program.  Not only did she graduate amongst the top ten for PT (Physical Training), she proved worthy of becoming a United States Air Force Airman!  I don't know if words are enough to articulate how amazing I think she is. Her accomplishment is something I never could have done.  It takes blood, sweat and tears to make it through something so rigorous and demanding.   

Gaby did beautifully the entire trip aside from some huge bumps like canceled flights, delayed flights, having to rebook another rental car at the last minute and having to get up at 4AM every day.  I could not have asked for a better travel partner.  Gaby was over the moon about being able to see her big sister again.  The smiles on Gaby's face are hard to describe and hopefully the photos will express her utter and complete happiness at being able to see her big sister.  Once I've gotten my bearings again and had a chance to sort through the more than 1500 photos I took, I'll post a couple. 

I've gotten a lot of emails asking me about Meg's personal status and whether she is indeed engaged to the young man she'd been dating for only a mere 6 weeks before leaving for BMT.   The short answer is that yes, she is engaged.   I'm not going to elaborate on it because my intention is not to hurt Meg and that's exactly what I'd be doing if I said any more.  Those of you who know me and know the situation will know exactly what is to be read between the lines.  My daughter's happiness means the absolute world to me and I'm leaving things there. 

Before I left Texas, Meg asked me to tell you all something and to quote her.  I was afraid that I'd misquote her so I asked her if I could video it. 

Here's Meg's message to you all...I hope you'll join me in congratulating her on a job well done and in wishing her all the best for her future, now and always!

Leaving on a Jet Plane...The "Audrey and Gaby Go to Texas" Edition

 

Last month we watched Meg board an airplane bound for San Antonio, Texas to begin her adventures (although I dare say she would call it an adventure!) in Basic Military Training with the United States Air Force.  It hardly seems like nearly two months have eclipsed since she left, yet here we are, mere days away from her graduation from BMT.

It's been a roller coaster for all of us, that's for sure.

Between Gareth getting laid off, Meg leaving for BMT, Gareth finding another job...in New York, moving to New York, realizing we didn't have the money to attend Meg's graduation from BMT in Texas, learning that Meg had been proposed to, OVER THE PHONE by her boyfriend,  Matt going back to Seattle, getting a phone call on Christmas from Gareth's brother and his wife in England asking if they could help make sure we attended Meg's graduation, Christmas itself (where I managed to NOT mutilate the prime rib!), and finally, Gaby's 4th birthday the day after Christmas...well, it's enough to make anyone's head spin! 

I am beside myself with gratitude and love for my BIL and SIL and their generosity.  This means the world to me - to be able to see Meg take this step in what's been one of the biggest accomplishments of her life, to date.  More than that, it means a great deal to Meg herself, to have me there, as I've missed a lot of the milestones in her life.

Being that we've made all the travel arrangements at the last minute, I'm running around like a madwoman trying to get packed and figure out how to make sure I have everything I am going to need to keep a four year old occupied and happy on 3 airplane flights!  It goes without saying, I will be the one sporting the color-coordinated Xanax necklace when I board each of those flights.  I'm carrying extras in the event that I need to offer some to those seated around us. 

All travel-anxiety aside, I'm so very proud of Meg and all that she's accomplished these past 8 long weeks.  I'm so excited to see my girl and look into her eyes and tell her what an amazing woman I think she is. She and I have traveled a long and sometimes rocky road these past 2+ years and despite deep chasm we had to bridge in order to get to this place,  I could not be any more in awe of this young woman than I am now.

Tim and Jill...thank you for being so persistent in your offer of help.  I often have trouble accepting help from others and with Gareth's nudging, I said yes.  Know that I will forever be grateful for this opportunity to see Meg take this step and to be a part of her graduation from BMT.