Barking Mad

Read (or Better Yet, Don't!) at Your Own Risk!

I was going to blame my desire to write this post on the fact that taking Prednisone is making me really bitchy.  However, I've been wanting to write this kind of post for a long time, I just never had the balls to write it.  So, being that I couldn't work up the nerve to ask the hubby to borrow his (contrary to what a lot of people out there think, I do not in fact, carry them around in a little silk bag in my purse!), I suppose maybe the Prednisone might have nudged me to actually publishing the damned thing.

I think it's fair to say that there is a whole wide world of blogs out there for you to choose from.   There are blogs on every topic from the very basic mommy-blog, to blogs about cars, music, and cooking, to zoology and a million more in between.    There's pretty much something for everyone out there.  Hell, you don't even have to read a blog.   Pick up a book, a newspaper or even the back of the tampon box while you're sitting in the loo!   But that's kind of my point.  There's a reason you're reading the blogs you do, whether it's because you relate, you empathize, you wince, you laugh, you agree or disagree or you just enjoy the the writer's style of telling his or her story.  

Even if you're sitting there shaking your head and rolling your eyes so far back into your head that you might be mistaken for Linda Blair from The Exorcist, you are in fact still sitting there reading the blog.

Lately I've gotten comments and emails that go a little something like this...

"Audrey, I can't stand that you're dealing with your past in such a public way.  It's killing me to watch you do this!  It's too painful!"

"You're a baby killer and God taking your son is an eye for an eye for having an abortion!  You should be ashamed of yourself for even writing about this!  An idiot could put two and two together and figure it out!"

"I wanted to write to you and tell you that you shouldn't handle your life in the wide world like this.  It's not proper."

"Not only have you doomed yourself to hell for killing an innocent child, but there's a special place in the Devil's home for people who abandon their children.   Your blog upsets me so much!  I spit on you!"

From an email forward:

"I cannot believe she is exploiting her life the way she is, especially exploiting her dead little boy.  That just takes a lot of nerve!  What is it with women trying to make money off of their dead babies?  And what does she want pity for her foreclosure?  Shouldn't have bought more house than they could afford!  It's people like her that are the reason good people like my brother can't get a mortgage!"

OK so you see where I'm going with this, right?  

First of all, no one can force you to read a blog.  NO ONE.   If the content of the blog upsets you so much that you felt compelled to write to me (or someone else, because I know I'm not the only person in the blogosphere that gets a lot of crap for the content she posts on what is her personal space!),  and complain, then by all means, close the window and don't read my blog.   Then, once you've done that, if you still feel like you have a broken heart, or are in some kind of pain, take an aspirin and go lay down for a while.  Trust me, the outrage will pass.

As far as suggesting to me that the way I'm handling my past is improper, are you a licensed professional that can make that sort of judgment without having sat down with me and gone over my life in precise detail? Or do you just get off on playing armchair psychiatrist?

For those of you who insist on characterizing me as a baby killer, your time would be better spent casting aspersions on those who are actually guilty of committing a crime and not trying to condemn a grown woman for something she did over 25 years ago - a decision she made that was the best for her at that time.  

If I have indeed sentenced myself to an afterlife in the fiery pits of Hell, well, I'm going to make the best of it!  Perhaps I'll get that tan that has eluded me for most of my grown life.

I've saved the best for last.  The snarkers, the haters, the people who claim that our blogs make them stabby or apoplectic.   Yet they can't seem to pull themselves away from their damned computers long enough to take a deep breath and realize that the only reason they keep reading and then snarking on certain blogs is because it fills some sort of vacancy or deficiency in their own lives.   They're the rubberneckers in the blogosphere, just like the ones in the cars who slow traffic to a grinding halt because they are compelled to stare at the carnage on the asphalt in front of them; some even whipping out their cell phones and capturing the blood on the highway to post to their Facebook or Twitter streams.    

If what you're reading upsets you so badly, then why the hell are you reading it in the first place?  I don't get it so I'd love it if you could explain it to me.  Oh, and please use small words that a simpleton like myself can understand.    You won't though.  You'll just stop and gawk at this post and then go and spew more garbage on the walls of your snarker kingdom because it fills some sort of sad void in your life.

I really take umbrage with individuals who waste time writing about those of us who have lost children and have chosen to write about how that loss has shaped our lives or have used this medium - our personal space on the web, to deal with the pain, anguish and feelings of utter sorrow in order to help deal with the grief.  Then they turn around and accuse us of exploiting our dead children.  

Mothers like myself, we use our words in this place we call the blogosphere in order to try and purge some of the pain we're feeling.  Maybe those attempts are futile but in some small measure, for most of us, it gives us a tiny bit of release from the constant throbbing reminder of the huge empty space that now inhabits our bodies where once a beautiful child existed.    I think I can speak for several bereaved parents who openly write about their loss when I say that we are grateful for those other parents or family members who take the time to reach out to us and empathize with our sadness, or for those who offer love and support in our time of need. 

The above could also apply to people who are in the throws of a deep depression, financial crisis, or even those who have traveled a similar road that I have when it comes to being an absentee parent.   You might not ever know the immense solace I take when reading an email from someone who has written to tell me that they have never had the courage to write  [or even speak openly] about their depression, or the fact that they were a mother who didn't have primary custody of her children.   It's reassuring to me to know that I'm not the only one out there who is going through or who has gone through this.  

My point is, there's no basis in reality to the claims that we're exploiting anything, be it our dead children, our depression, our struggles,  or in some cases, our current children - another topic popular with snarkers everywhere...that this generation of children being raised by the more prolific bloggers out there are going to be a generation that spends it's free time on the couches  of therapists the world over.      I'm not saying it doesn't happen.  What I am saying is that I think the word "exploit" doesn't apply in the case of most of us using this medium to share our life experiences. 

For those of you who are so upset over what's being written all over the walls of the blogosphere by the gifted and not-so-gifted writers alike, here's a suggestion.  It's simple.  Close the window.   No really.  CLOSE THE WINDOW.    There is no one sitting there threatening to throw you in Gitmo if you don't read the propaganda (I'm using your words, not mine!) we're spreading.     There is a plethora of other material available for your perusal. 

However, if you still find yourself sitting there, unable to close the window of whatever blog it is that makes you see red, could it possibly be that you're taking great pleasure in the fact that your life seems somehow superior to the person you're reading about?    Maybe you're celebrating the fact that you're not losing a home,  that your financial situation is healthy, or that you haven't ever had to give your former spouse custody of your children?   Or maybe you're sitting there wrapping your arms around yourself and saying a simple prayer of thankfulness that you've never had to bury one of your own children?  

Whatever it is that brings you to the blogs you claim to hate, or those that upset you, it's not something that's holding you here.   You have the freedom to close the window and walk away and celebrate your perfect lives.

Why I Don't Attend Blogging Conferences

I'm going to try and write this without coming across as a jealous douche, but I'm not going to promise that it won't end up being interpreted as that.  I can promise you though, I'm not a jealous douche.  I'm not disgruntled that I've never been asked to speak at a conference (because that right there would be a lie, I have been, however I became ill and was unable to speak, literally.), and honestly, for the caliber of speaker that a lot of these conferences are looking for, who am I to be on any sort of panel?  

I'm willing to admit, having never even attended a single blogging conference, that perhaps I missing something that might enable me to understand why someone would want to go to several conferences a year centered around the same theme...we're all bloggers.  Well OK, let's rephrase that...we're all bloggers who want to get our A-Game on.  So, help me out here.  After you've read this, school me on why attending a blogging conference would be worth it. 

Yeah, that last sentence sounded faintly douchey.  I'll try and work on that. 

I wanted to add, before I get on my soapbox, that I'm not saying I'll never ever attend a blogging conference, but at this point in time, I don't see the point of attending several conferences a year.

Oh and you back there, sit back down and let me finish!  Get your mouse away from the "x" up in the corner and hear me out, please.  I know I know, you're shaking your head and saying, "But but but but how would you, you little nobody blogger who has never even attended a  single blogging conference in your life, know anything about it? How can you judge?  Maybe if you went to a conference or two you might be SOMEBODY in the community and increase your traffic and revenue!" 

That right there almost answers the question itself.  The statement above, that you may or may not have just looked at the screen and asked me, assumes that if we all follow the prescribed regimen, that countless speakers at conferences talk about, or other bloggers spout on an almost daily basis, that we too will see the same kind of success as Dooce or Pioneer Woman.   Right here and now I'm going to call bullshit on that.  

Going to four or five blogging conferences a year isn't going to bring you the elusive traffic and popularity that you're looking for.  There is no guaranteed formula for blogging success, no cookie-cutter steps to follow in order to have a powerful draw.    It really all boils down to you and your story. 

I get that at some of these conferences there are some technical and legalese type panels that are beneficial to anyone who blogs and makes money blogging.  But what about all the other panels and speakers who show up on the panelist/speaker list at several other conferences throughout the year?   How is their message any different from conference to conference? 

Networking

When I ask other people about blogging conferences and why they go, one of the reasons they usually give me is the "networking benefit" of attending these gatherings.   Really?   Most blogging conferences are attended by the same core group of people, over and over again.  The speakers follow a similar vein from the year before.  Of course there are other speakers who come from non-blogging related backgrounds, but for the most part, you'll usually see, among the panelists, many of the people you probably read on a daily basis.   So, you're at a conference with a huge percentage of the same people you saw at the last conference three months ago.  If you've already networked with them before, what's the gain this time around?   

I've seen people mention on other sites that talk about the value of attending social media conferences, that they're able to "... increase my personal sphere of influence and make myself exponentially more marketable."

Here me out on this.  While the blogging "community" is growing year by year,  there is a vast difference between "community" and "audience."   I see other bloggers use these terms all the time as if they were mutually exclusive and they aren't.  How many of your readers are other bloggers? How many have Twitter?    Are the only people you want reading your blog the "community" itself, or do you want to extend your reach?   There really is more out there than simply having the same people read you day in and day out.  Having your core group is awesome, don't get me wrong, but if you're looking to be read by an ever growing number of people, in my opinion, you have to move beyond the community and build an audience.  That right there is what I think a lot of us want, but don't have a clue how to get.  

So, other than attending a blogging conference where you're handing your business card to the same individuals you handed them to last summer, what are you doing to grow your audience?   Are you genuinely (be honest with yourself) confident that you're learning the keys to this at conference after conference?  

Attending social media conferences isn't cheap.  If you're hoping that by going to each and every conference you're going to earn back, in blog revenue what you've spent on attending the conference, then you have to see this as an investment in yourself.  Are you seeing the kind of return on your investment that you'd hoped for? 

Social Bonding

I recently asked a very good friend of mine, who has spoken at several of these conferences what the benefit of going to these conferences was?   She mentioned that even though it's usually the same thing over and over again, with the exception of the exposure to different corporate sponsors and PR reps, that for a lot of the women who attend the conference, this is the only chance they have to get out and have a little fun away from the day in and day out routine of their lives.  It gives them a chance to meet and cut loose with people they've bonded with via their respective blogs -  a chance they might not have otherwise had.   OK, that I get.  I completely understand the attractiveness of being able to meet some people you've grown very close to.   I think that would be the biggest draw for me, personally, if I were to attend a conference...especially now that I'm feeling better about coming out of my shell and actually being social.  

Building Your Circle of Influence 

Anna Veile of ABDPBT, one of my absolute favorite bloggers and blogging consultants (others have also called her a "mean girl" but I find that label a little hard to swallow), has a very good post on why the investment in these conferences is worth it.   She mentions in the post that her traffic has always seen an upwards spike after attending BlogHer (which is the premiere blogging conference out there.),  and she saw a similar spike after attending Mom 2.0.   However she also states that she made an effort to intentionally go to lunch by herself at these conferences and didn't rely on her friends, 100% either,  and that is was those steps that led to her meeting new people she might not have otherwise been introduced to.   I'm paraphrasing from her post, but you really should read it, in its entirety.   

Here's where I take issue with Anna though.  Most people do not make the same sort of effort Anna does.   They go with good intentions, business cards in hand,  and smiles on their faces, but they don't leave their comfort zone and the safe harbor of their "group."     Maybe this is because Anna tends to view the blogging world through a more businesslike and sometimes cynical pair of glasses.   The rest of us don't typically have that sort of detachment.   She's also been the lightning rod for criticism because of her ability to call it like she sees it and cut through the bullshit, regardless of who she calls out or pisses off in the process.  So after I read her the above post, because I respect her and trust what she has to say,  I was almost convinced it was worth the investment.  Almost. 

When all is said and done I'm pretty sure the biggest response to this post is going to be the fact that I've never been to a conference so who am I to judge?  Maybe you're right..  Perhaps I need to step down off of my soap box and see if what I view as little more than an opportunity to socialize, is really more of an opportunity to increase my own sphere of influence and broaden my own horizons and possibly learn something.   I'm always looking for ways to learn something.  But here's the thing...I'm not going into this thinking that it's instantly going to change my place in the blogosphere and I do believe that a lot of the people that go to these conferences are waiting for that very thing to happen! 

So, after reading all of this, what are your own thoughts on the plethora of blogging conferences out there?  Are they genuinely beneficial to the everyday blogger for practical reasons?  Have you gone and if so, what's your experience been?  If you go to two or three of these a year, how does the experience vary from conference to conference?    What do you wish were different about the conferences you do attend?  If you don't attend, why not?

 

 

I'm Pretty Sure Social Media is Going to be the Death of Me, or at Least Cause me to Have a Heartastroke!

Alright, I'm crying Uncle! I never thought I'd see the day when Iwould wave the white flag and completely surrender to the fact that I am a Social Media Flunkie (SMF)!  Of course, there's always the chance that adult-onset ADD could play a part in this, but we'll leave that discussion for another day and just cover the fact that I'm a huge SMF!

You can't have a pulse in the blogging community and not be overwhelmed on a daily basis by all the blogs, sites, conferences and people telling you how you should be utilizing every aspect of social medial available to you, to grow your blog/business.   I'm not gonna lie, I want people to read my blog.  But more than that, I want more than just other bloggers (and this is where I'm probably going to be flayed alive, or crucified, or ostracized from the blogging community as a whole!  Or hell, maybe all THREE!),  to read my blog.  I want to build my audience! 

I want an audience of people who care about what I have to say, are entertained, maybe educated (or in turn, can educate me from the feedback in the comments or email), and want to follow the story of how I am changing my life in order to save it...as well as the occasional fluffy cat posts, raging rants, and the sporadic photo-bomb post filled with pictures of my gorgeous children.  So now that we have that straight, I guess I can just come right out and say that I want to conquer the world!  Well, alright, that's sort of being a smart-ass about things, but I really would love to have a network of readers who I know appreciate, are entertained, moved, or inspired by my words.  If that makes me a complete narcissist, so be it.

Here's the thing I absolutely abhor about this whole blogging thing though...it's all the bits and pieces that are so interconnected with it.  It's driving me nuts.   It's assumed out here that you have the same goals as every other woman (or in more and more cases, man) who sits down at her computer and decides she wants to be the next Heather Armstrong (Dooce) or Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman), and come hell or high water, you're going to do it!  So, accordingly there are a million sites out there that are going to tell you how to attain blogging Nirvana.  They're going to suggest you become a corporate whore and shill your words for free products, or paid posts or trips to DisneyWorld/Land, or even blogging conferences...but you have to follow the "plan" and know your "brand" which, oddly enough tries to mimic all the successful blogs out there. In doing so, these organizations/people/companies want you to pimp them via Twitter, Facebook and your blogs.   I'm really no one to talk, because hey, look to your right and you'll see that I'm part of BlogHer's advertising network...The point I'm trying to make is that a lot of these sites want you to think there's some sort of cookie cutter recipe you can follow in order to get to the top of the dog pile and by spending an inordinate amount of time on Twitter or Facebook, you'll get there even faster.  

Whatever happened to being unique and original and telling your own story?  Believe me, your words, told in your own voice have a power that can't be copied.

The thing about those successful blogs...the women behind them are, for the most part, talented writers, or there has been something that's happened in their lives to bring them attention or even in some cases, success.  It's their words, or their circumstances that keep people coming back.  Each blogger is unique and the honest-to-God truth is that you can't replicate that.  You have to get by out here on your own merits and not by copying what you think is going to drive traffic to your site, and sometimes that includes pimping yourself out on all these other social media sites!

I've used Twitter, well probably over-used it to promote blog posts.  I try and not pimp posts more than twice, but sometimes I get a little attention-whore'ish and want the traffic, so I'll toss the link up there one more time.  With Facebook I post the link to new posts once, and the Networked Blogs posts it again.  I do actually get a lot of traffic from Facebook, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I've got a lot of friends and family that use Facebook as a "feed" or "reader" of sorts...they aren't bloggers and don't know anything about feed-readers/RSS feeds and rely on me slapping that link up there.  So I'm not likely to stop using it anytime soon.  However, I need to get my ass off of Facebook in general, and stop lollygagging out there.   There are those who would disagree with me though.

Certain marketing gurus think that in order to have a successful blog, you need to be networking every available minute of the day on Facebook or Twitter and I just don't have the patience for that kind of thing, especially not when I can use that time to insert both feet into my mouth by posting dumbass things on my husband's Facebook wall like, "Please bring me some wood tonight!"   I'm sure you can imagine the comments that earned me.  What I meant to say was, "Sweetie, I am freezing my rather large posterior off, and seeing as how we haven't chopped that wood outside the deck, can you stop and pick up a bundle of firewood on your way home from work?"   Instead, I ended up with a huge group of people thinking I wanted him to bring home the kind of wood you burn in bed, rather than in the fireplace.  Sorry mom, for the mental image.

Then there's Twitter.   I have a serious love-hate relationship with Twitter.  I've asked countless people who are marketing managers and social media directors for their organizations if Twitter really is important, for someone like me - if it's important that I maintain a presence out there?  The answer was a resounding YES! However, this is me we're talking about... The Queen of Verbosity.  Having micro-conversations (140 characters or less), out there is not something I'm good at.   Occasionally I strike up the rare conversations with some incredibly beautiful, talented and intelligent women, but those are few and far between.  Plus, I am not part of the ongoing conversation between the Twitterati - also known as the "A-listers" in the blogosphere.  And if you haven't already gotten the memo, if you don't have their attention, you don't have anyone's attention!  

Seriously though, I'm OK with not having their attention.  I can't keep up out there anyhow.  Hell, half the time I forget to check my "@" replies until a month later.   Then there's the issue of not following back everyone who follows me and Oh-my-freaking-God...there's no way I can do that!  I can't keep up with the 700+ people I follow anyhow.   I feel bad enough as it is that I get out there and don't thank those that do follow me, with a personal DM.  Then there's the guilt that I'm not holding up my end of the mommy-blogging credo by not tweeting every frigging thing that goes on around here during the day.

For instance, I was wiping Gaby's bum yesterday and she asks me, "Mommy, how much longer do you think you'll be wiping my bottom?" 

I looked at her and said, "Are you telling me you're finally ready to start wiping it yourself?" 

Gaby thought about it for a minute and then pulled her panties up, flushed the toilet and said, "Well, I'm not even 5 yet, do you think we could maybe wait till my birthday before I try this on my own?"

Do you know what the very first thought in my head was, after this exchange?  "OMG should I tweet this, or put our conversation as my new Facebook status message?"   Of course I didn't, but all those "in the know" would probably have suggested that I should have.  Hell, I don't even like texting, because HELLO...160 characters just pisses me off!  I can't be that concise and I refuse to sink to the level of every 15 year old out there and resort to "text talk."   Not only that, but not everyone out there needs to know that there may be a chance that I'll be cracking open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate my emancipation from wiping my daughter's bum!  By all accounts, my failure to alert the Twittersphere and Facebook crowd about this exchange between Gaby and me has deemed me an SMF!

The fact of the matter is, I don't feel like slapping my "brand" all over God's green (or is it Al Gore's)  universe/internet.  I don't even know what my brand is.  This blog is me.  I'm not a brand...or maybe I am.  I don't know.  What you see is what you get.  I'm too lazy and just too apathetic to maintain the dialogue out there, that those, "in the know" say would make me a success.  I want my words to carry my weight...my words out here.  I can't convey, in 140 words or less, my story and frankly, I'm pretty tired of having every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there who have self-published a book on SEO, telling me I need to Tweet this or that, or annoy my friends and family on Facebook with my networking attempts.

This is my blog, my space out here to reach out, to vent, to just be.  I'm not some MLM hack trying to build my pyramid.   There's no sin in wanting to try and earn a little bit of a living from my words, and if this gives me the boost to do that, so be it.  But I'm not going to follow the recipe of someone who's never been there and only thinks they know how I could become the next Dooce, or Pioneer Woman.  I don't want to be them. 

I don't want to be anyone but who I am.  

I write because my soul feels better when I do...not because I want WalMart, Nestle, or McDonald's (I'm NOT dissing the wonderful women and writers who are part of their collectives!), to add me to their select groups.   I write because I think I'm good at it.   I write because I have a story to tell and I'm entirely positive that I am not coordinated enough to do that and write about my experiences with X.Y. or Z.  That's not to say I haven't tried, but it's not really what I like, or what I'm good at.  I'm simply calling a spade a spade.

At the end of the day, I can't keep up with all this social media.  I hate feeling guilty for not responding to each and every status update of the 1500 people on my Facebook friend's list, or replying to everyone I follow on Twitter.   I'd rather spend that time reading your words, and building the conversation that way, rather than trying to squish all of that into 140 characters or less.

Maybe I have this all wrong.  Perhaps I spend a little more time networking in order to build my blog.  But I just wonder if by doing that, I'm "preaching to the choir" so to speak?  How do our conversations grow any louder, or reach a bigger audience if we're just networking to one another?

With my luck, I've probably just burned every bridge I've built, out here.