Barking Mad

Lollygagging

That's right...I've been consumed by other things lately. Writing has not been one of them.

Things like...

• Watching the ultimate "Bromance" unfold right before my eyes.  In my own home actually. It's a beautiful thing.  Really.  Chris and Tyler...shuddup!  Oh and both of you better start commenting on the blog.  Tyler, I thought, when you started dating Meaghan, we went over "The Rules" which included commenting on this here blog.  See, the folks that read Barking Mad, well some are mighty protective of Meaghan and consider her one of their own.  Step up buddy or I'm revoking your All Access Pass to the asylum!

• Celebrating the fact that Meaghan finally took those damned fake hair extensions out and now her beautiful hair, looks...well beautiful again!  She has the most gorgeous face and whilst she looks amazing with short or long hair (as long as it's her OWN hair!), this current cut just frames her darling heart-shaped face so perfectly!

• Worrying about Geronimo.  He has a serious infection in his ear and he's pretty miserable. We're using heavy duty ear drops and I hope it gets the infection under control.  I love my morbidly obese kitten. 

• Gallivanting up and down the coastal route (Route 1), taking pictures of things that only interest me and aren't particularly attractive to anyone but me.

• On my travels I was looking for this little spot in particular, for Jan. I don't think the pic does it justice but it's a spot that means the world to her.  Maybe she'll comment and share with you all why it's so special to her.

• Standing in awe at the intensity of the fall foliage colors.  Somehow they seem more vivid and brighter this year.  Or perhaps I'm the one who is finally able to see the colors more clearly now that the fog is starting to lift. 

• Watching Gaby's delicate features change in the most minute ways...ways that signal the definite end of babyhood and herald the blossoming little girl in front of me.  This makes me sad.  She amazes me every day with the things she absorbs from the world around her, yet with this amazement comes the realization that my last "baby" is growing up...fast. 

crappy cell phone pic

• Spending time at one of my hidey holes and just soaking in the essence of the ocean and letting it sink into my soul and fill the long open voids. 

crappy cell phone pic

• Realizing that I can not control everything in my sphere of influence and sometimes I have to say yes to doing things I don't like or find distasteful because if I don't, it could possibly make an existing problem worse.  

• Feeling like I have been punched in the gut when it hits me that I only have 35 days left until Meaghan leaves.  If I think about it too much, I can't breath and the ache in my heart is palpable.

• Trying to figure out the story about the goose in the bottle and in doing so, having an epiphany that I think too much.  Sometimes things are, and sometimes they aren't.  It's the things that "aren't" that I need to do away with.  I know, it probably only makes sense in my head.  Ask Bob..Bob knows all and he's just super-duper cool!  He is.  Would I lie to you?

• Wondering just what the hell I am going to do with all 45lbs of these...

...and do not say apple pie!  I hate the stuff.  Can't stand it.   We promised ourselves we were NOT going to pick so many apples this year.  Last year we thought that 25lbs was too much.  I guess we suffered from some sort of head trauma because I'm sitting here with nearly twice as much as we had last year!  

So, um yeah, rather than building up some of the posts in my overflowing draft folder, like; "Goldilocks Politics", or "I Wonder What It Would Have Been Like Had Twitter and Facebook Been Around 21 Years Ago When I Had My First Baby", or even, "Taking My Power Back - My Personal Manifesto", I've been lollygagging. 

Feeling Good, Despite Feeling Like I Have ADD

Photo by me

"Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..
And I'm feeling good....

There are so many things that I have been wanting to post about but so far they remain as half-written posts in a burgeoning draft folder that more resembles a bird cage, packed with hundreds of brightly colored birds - some a little darker than others whilst some so bright that they are almost blinding.  Vivid violet parakeets and navy blue nightingales all beating their wings at the bars of the cage with nary a single space left between them.   That's a little how it feels to be in my head right now too. 

...Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the trees
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me...
And I'm feeling good....

So much going on and I can't slow it all down long enough to sort it out and just let it flow into cohesive words that form sentences and paragraphs. 

The thing is, I feel like I'm starting to see shreds of light at the end of the tunnel.  It's far into the distance but it is there.  I have to squint to see it sometimes, but it's there dammit!  I feel it deep inside my soul.  For the first time in a long time, I feel it.  Despite other people in my line of sight trying to blot it out, I see it.  Despite nagging fears and feelings of self-loathing, I see it.  I am fighting hard to not let go of it. 

...Dragonfly out in the sun
You know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all out having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace
When, the this day is done
And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world
For me...

On that note, can I ask a favor of you? 

Please be patient with me whilst I begin the process of sorting out all of this and start dealing with..., well - me.   My posts might be dense with substance and emotion or light and airy - sort of like my brain sometimes.  The point is, I'm just beginning to feel again and it's an overwhelming process.  But to begin the hard work of healing, I must feel these things.  I have to allow myself to feel them.  Some of them aren't pretty and are from the foul bowel of the hell I've been living in.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.  If I want to survive, and please believe me when I say I do, if I want to spend the next years living that dream I had, rather than spending it wondering how long until I actually sit in that icy cold bathtub full of water and do what I very nearly did last year, or continue to stick my finger down my throat until my heart and my body simply can not keep pace with the destruction, then this hard work of putting myself back together, must be done.

This "feeling good" thing is very new to me.  Some days it's not there, but some it is and I  am just barely in the embryonic stages of it.  I still have to give myself permission to feel good, to feel positive and to feel this fleeting sense of hope; hope that I will survive and come out of this - whole, and well and healthy. 

Even on the days recently when I haven't been completely "feelin' it" there is still that glimmering strand of light that I see in the distance.  I just have to keep reaching it and believing that I deserve my place in the light.

...Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
yeah, freedom is my lie
When you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..."

The below video is Muse performing one of my favorite songs, "Feeling Good" (the lyrics above) live at Wembley Stadium in the UK.  It's a cover, and I can't recall who originally wrote and sang the song, but this is by far my favorite version.  I plan on heading out today for a little bit to do something for Jan and I am going to blast this song, police be damned.  And for those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook, you'll know what I'm talking about.

This is my anthem!